The rain drops.... I love to watch the rain. The warmth within.... In one's own house, sipping a cup of tea and looking out of the window. What a bliss....

My mind races though.... To you, of course; I try to hide that deep yearning.

Where could you be at this moment? In the camp? Out there? Creeping, crawling.... panting....? Do you hug your weapon, the way you hug our little one? Do you think of us when you are in the battle field? Did you sleep well yesterday night? Questions rush into my mind. The ordinary questions, an ordinary woman asks from her ordinary husband in an ordinary day of life.... I sigh. You are no ordinary man....

Yes, I think of you. I feel the rain too. It is not a warm rain as you experience within the warmth of our home. It is a piercing rain. ....I am out here, lying on the ground.... in the mud. I think for a moment. Ha... If you see me now. ...I did not change my uniform for two days. I did not brush my teeth. The shoulders strain by the weight of the back pack. I was out in the waist deep muddy water. I can't remove my shoes. There are wounds in between the toe fingers. They smell bad.... I feel a headache, and fish for a couple of panadols. I can't find the pack. We have run out of drinking water. Haven't had a warm meal for 2 days. Bearing all these physical pains, I look ahead. I adjust my helmet. I imagine you hugging our little one. I hug my gun..... I cling to it. I do not see anything else.

It is the only survival for me. I remember the last time when I left our house.... We did not utter the usual good byes that an ordinary man utters to an ordinary woman. You are special. You bear everything. But your eyes said all that I wanted to know.... All the advices you did not put into words.... All the "be careful whens" and "take cares" and "god blesses".... But at this moment, I have only one thought.... To destroy.... to go forward.... at least to own a few more yards....

Why is it? What had become of us? Yesterday Bala visited us. Do you remember him? We were in the same class.... Both of you were running after the other.... fighting for a tennis ball.... You both took part in the bicycle race every year.... He came to your house when it was New Year and you did not miss his Deepavaali... He talked about those days. Those were nice memories.

But he deliberately ignored to ask about your present. I too did not want to drag it. He is doing well. He said when he treats his patients, he remembers you sometimes. Do you remember the game we played with him.... "Bring a doctor"?.... It is so sad that we have gone against one another. Jeyamani and Thangi still come to our office during the lunch hour. We talk about several things, but still there is a kind of uneasiness between us. There is some barrier that we can't talk freely.... For example, the TV was switched on in the lunch room the other day and they have telecast the pictures of the bomb blast. The other crowd shouted their.... "Ahhh, Ohhhh"s as usual.... But we, in our table avoided each other's eyes and fell silent. Can you understand that feeling?

I do remember him. He was closer to me than the others. He always helped me in the class work. I am happy he did not forget us. But, I understand that feeling. Still, when I see a terrorist, I have a glimpse of my friend in him and I stop. But this is a fight and it is about taking chances.... The one who goes first wins. If I stop I am lost. So I go on.... I see death. I see pain in my comrade's eyes. I see the same pain on my enemy's face. But in the battle field I can't let my mind wander. We have to achieve our objective. It is to obey the command. What is our ultimate goal? It is to live in this country peacefully. This is not a fight against a race or nation. This is a fight against terrorism. To have a country to live with all the Balas, Thangis and Jayamanys happily. Can you understand it? To have a country which our children can live without fear, uncertainty and poverty.... To create an atmosphere where our little one also can grow up with many more Balas and Jayamanys.... I have dreams of that day. When I see people here, I want to ask them, "Eppudi Suhkam?" by my whole heart. I want them to unleash their feelings towards us. I want these children to have a smile on their faces. I am not their enemy.

I do understand. You are a soldier and you have your duty. It is for the sake of all of us. It is to create a country beyond barriers. Bala came with his little son. Our son stared at him at first. I ignored. Then they both slowly got closer. Our son took him to his toy box. Our son was talking in sinhala and he was talking in Tamil. They were merrily chasing each other and playing after a few minutes. They did not have any barrier, and they just understood each other. Why can't we have that attitude? Hunger, Happiness, Sadness, Loss.... everything is universal. I see a picture on the front page of a daily paper. The picture is of a woman sitting on a pile of ruins with pleading eyes. Though the picture depicts a foreign country, I understand her. I feel her sadness, loss. The picture shows me in the war. I see her eyes. Upwards.... one hand on the breast, the other on the head.... mouth distorted.... I feel her tears. It is the "loss" everywhere, where there is a war. I look at my son. I wish that you will fulfill your duty soon and make an environment for him - not only him but for all of us to live happily. I feel your pain. I feel your hunger. I feel your headache.

But I know you are brave. So have courage. Have faith in yourself. Have trust. You are in my mind always.

Priyadarshinie Madawala,
University of Peradeniya.