Ramblings

As a kid I never liked the monkey bars. Not just because I was afraid that little boys would peek under my skirt, but I always thought it an unnecessary exercise. Nevertheless, I’ve had a lot of practice since, hanging onto dear life, on the bars of crowded private buses. When you take the sort of bus I take you don’t need to work out.

If you are a poor soul who’s forced to take the bus to Pettah every day, for all its worth I want you to know I know what you go through.

You see the private bus is quite different from the good old CTB. There’s complex politics to it. At noon men are perfect gentlemen, when they line up on either side of the door and let women and children get on first. But during rush hour it’s the law of the jungle in the private bus. It’s huge commotion, when women and children are unseen.

Finders keepers?

Whoever gets hold of those bars on the seats should technically be in control right? Wrong! The politics of the private bus is more complex than that. In the unwritten laws of the private bus the saying ‘finders keepers’ means zilch. Time and again the other more aggressive passengers will try to invade your territory. Here are some tips you might find useful on private buses. Tested and approved by yours truly... (Kids please don’t try this at home.)

* Keep your legs as far apart as possible, whether you are sitting or standing.

* Hold tight to two different bars at all times.

* Counter weight and push against being pushed. Never budge, or risk losing your territory inch by inch. (Lose your grip and it’s the middle row for you - chased by an unrelenting conductor, till you give him what he wants-money - where you hang like a monkey from the topmost bar. Too short to reach, well tough luck!).

* Try to be as intimidating as possible by way of snapping, frowning, muttering under your breath or any other means, at anyone who attempts to invade your territory and/or perverts.

* Suck your butt in as much as possible to discourage butt pinchers and Jacksons.

* Beware of the ‘citizen paparazzi’ whose stealthy mini phone cameras elude the intelligence of even the most vigilant.

King coconuts and pumpkins

But if you think that only women suffer on private buses think again. Men have to go through the grueling task of carrying ‘king coconuts’ and ‘pumpkins’ on their shoulders every evening! Just because none of the women is aware how large their body parts are!

The race

No amount of bars can save you from being thrown to and fro if the bus drivers are engaged in a race. It’s sheer white-knuckle terror! All you can do is hold your breath and hope that you’ll get to your destination in one piece. And for what, a fifteen minute head start? Darn good, guess I won’t get a pay cut today!

- Samadhi