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Guilty
 A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence
indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defence's closing
statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be
convicted, decided to try a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I
have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into
this courtroom!"
He looked towards the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned,
all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the
lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all
looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is
reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist
that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few
minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?"
the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare
at the door." "Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but
your client didn't!"
- lotsofjokes.com
Communication
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What
are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle
of the property."
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
 "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce.
It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."
- lotsofjokes.com
Smuggling
 A man on a bike was stopped at the border by police assigned to
investigate goods transported across both states. He carried a bag of
sand. On perusing through however, the cop found nothing else in the bag
and therefore let him go.
The next day this man was stopped with his bike and a bag of sand and
the same process carried out. Again, he was let off when the cop found
nothing illegal. This sequence carried on for three years.
One day both men, the cop and the bike guy, met at a pub. "Tell me,
man," said the cop, "I promise I will not tell anyone; but what were you
smuggling all those years?" Surprised, the man looked at this
professional, laughed and shrugged. "Bicycles," he said.
- lotsofjokes.com
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