Agni Chakra

(Circles of Fire)

(Chapter 27)

By Kathleen JAYAWARDANE

Translated by Ranga Chandrarathne and Edited by Indeewara Thilakarathne

I was interested in the lecture recently delivered by an American millionaire. I wrote an extract of the lecture which appeared yesterday in a newspaper in my diary:

It stated that the idea that he should die soon had helped him in making most important decisions in life. He says that what remains, at the end, of the multitude of hopes that get negated before death, is the essence.

I felt that the fact that he stressed at the Convocation of the University of Stafford in USA as something which was made based on my life. He is Steve Jobs, the Chief Executive Officer (CEO) of Apple Computers and Pixar Animation Studios. He who stimulated my curiosity about the question ‘How to face death’ is among the top ten millionaires in the computer world today.

His statement compelled me to look at wealth and prosperity from a different point of view. I also earned a considerable fortune in this island nation. Comparing his and my wealth, I am like a fire-fly before the sun. On certain points, I have similarities with him. He entered the University of Reed after I had entered University. But, within six months, he had left the University. Steve says that the backdrop for his leaving the University had been there even before he was born. That was because his mother was unmarried. It was at this point, similarities between him and me commenced. He was brought up by a lawyer and his wife. He bade farewell to the University realising that the couple’s entire wealth would have to be spent on university fees.

After leaving the University, Steve could not find accommodation. When he went to a friend, he had to spend the night on an uncomfortable bed. He earned his living by selling empty Coca-Cola bottles while sleeping on the naked floor and would walk seven miles on foot to the Hari Krishna Temple to have a sumptuous meal.

I was amazed beyond imagination on two counts; first how he mustered the courage to reveal his miserable past at the convocation, secondly, the similarities of life experiences between him and me. But I have put my past into a wooden box and nailed it covering it with concrete. I think that the past can not emerge as the spirits the exorcists would seal in cigarette tins and float in the sea.

How hard had I tried to conceal it throughout the life? Were the laments of my spirit piercing through the concrete that emerged as nightmares?

The ‘Apple’ company which Steve founded in a garage with a friend twenty years ago had become a company with 4000 employees with assets worth two billion dollars. His brilliant creation ‘Macintosh Computer’ was released to the market when Steve was thirty. But, during this period, Steve was sacked from the company following a dispute with a manager he himself recruited.

He considers the expulsion of him from the Apple as a wonderful privilege in his life. He says that releasing from the burden of leadership and responsibilities turned an extremely creative chapter in life.

I, once again, began to realise the Buddhist saying ‘the life would be happy not by acquiring things but by renouncing them’. I quickly searched for Ratnaweera’s e-mail address. I could not remember where I had jotted it down in small letters in the vehicle.

Steve , who had obtained an honorary Degree from the Super University of life though not earned a University Degree, had started the two companies ‘Next’ and ‘Pixer’ within the next five years he spent in leisure. I know that the ‘Pixer’ which produced the world’s first animation film became the best studio for animation films in the world. Steve had, once again, joined Apple after Apple bought over the ‘Next’. A turning point in Apple’s resurgence was the technology developed by ‘Next’.

The next story was directly connected to me. It was ‘cancer’ and ‘death’. Steve had also got a cancer. I really did not know Steve’s state of mind when it was revealed following a test that he had got an incurable cancer. The doctors had said that he would live only for six months. I still don’t have to face this situation. The details of his biopsy were also given in the report.

The doctors, who examined a specimen of cells from the pancreas, concluded that it was a rare cancer which can be cured by surgery. Steve completely recovered following the surgery.

A silver line of hope flashed again in my mind. I thought I would visit America and would test myself for cancer. I was afraid that it would be a fruitless exercise. Now I was trying to find out a new dimension to death based on Steve’s remarks on death.

He says none would like death and even those who like to go to heaven are afraid of death. I thought whether it was not death that opened the door to Nirvana or heaven. But can we make up our minds for death to open the door for any kind of liberation?

Steve points out that the death is the greatest invention in life as it changes it.

I thought of what I was living for. Another question arose in me was that should we die in the same body we were born in. It was the final remark of Steve’s lecture which injected life into my fainting heart and weak mind. There he emphasised the need to identify the hope at the bottom of the heart. All other requirements would be nullified once one identified the real want according to one’s intuition.

For a moment, I was bewildered. What was the kind of cry echoed in my heart? What was my real want? Have any of so called intellectuals of our generation including myself, inquired about this? Have any of them solved this problem? Is it this situation that Mahatma Gandhi described as “kingdom of God is within you” and “We are the way we think of “as the Buddha taught?

I saw Shantha coming into the room. It was not clear for sure whether my heart became cold or warm. What she put on my table was a steaming beverage.

“What’s this? “

“Uluhal and garlic brewed”

“Why? For whom? For what?”

“You seem not well. Drink it, it’s good for you?”

My heart became warmed up and I looked at her with intense pain. Is this Shantha who betrayed me? The woman who broke fidelity?

Betrayal…?

Fidelity….?

Now a couple of words which were not in my vocabulary, were echoing? What a marvel was this that those insignificant hopes and concepts which were waning off were gathering force?

“Son called yesterday…you were not here…”, Shantha said sitting on the bed trying to find a clue of the last night’s roaming.

“What did he say? “

“He wants some money to buy some goods. He gave me a list…I could remember only a pair of winter boots. He needs it because winter is around the corner.”

“Hundred dollars is enough for winter boots. He would not have called for that. He wants a big sum? How much is he asking for? “

“He did not mention a specific sum but he will call you tonight. Son had tried several times to call you on your mobile...”

While drinking hot garlic brew, a lot of thoughts sprang and dissolved like water bubbles. Can’t I now directly speak of Kanchana’s affair? Isn’t it the most suited occasion to inform her about my cancer?

But I could not say anything.

I put my hand on Shantha’s shoulders who was removing the pillow case. Shantha putting the pillow without the pillow case turned towards me and put her hand on my forehead. These eyes had the desire and hope to cure me. Why should I destroy that? I was experiencing a warm moment of married life. I lay on my back. Though I wanted to urge her to lie beside me, the mouth was muted.

“It seems that you don’t want rice and curry for dinner”.

“No, I don’t want rice and curry”.

“Then, I will prepare something else for dinner”.

“I would like to have some soup”.

I thought if I did not tell her thus, I could have kept Shantha for a while by me. Now, she got up to make a soup for me.

I was once again overwhelmed with fatigue. The burden of life and problems unfolded before me one by one.

I knew for sure that my disease would incur a considerable cost. I should set aside a sum of money for Prabuddha. For the last semester, I have sent Prabuddha 800 dollars in addition to 1200 dollars which would cover course fees, accommodation and books. That was to cover all the expenses including fee for basket ball and photography. Why does he want money, again, for? Should I earn money throughout my life, for his wife and the offspring that she would produce?

Prabuddha leads a more relaxed life in America than in Sri Lanka. He spends lavishly. I was reminded of how thriftily I spent money when I was at Cornell University. I used to count everything in terms of rupees when making purchases in US dollars. So I could hardly enjoy anything. I, who used to spend twenty five rupees for a haircut in Sri Lanka, had to spend twenty five dollars or two hundred and fifty rupees, for a haircut in America. I felt as if I was parting with a part of my body in paying for haircut. In the US we used to pay our bills separately after having a meal together at a restaurant.

But I noticed that Prabuddha had also violated this habit. During the four years I spent in the US as an undergraduate, only once, I had gone to see the Niagara Falls. But Prabuddha said that he had visited Niagara four times during the previous year. It was during one of these visits that he had met the Brazilian woman he married later. She, who was an actor and singer, had posed for her next album before Niagara Falls. Prabuddha would have been enticed by her looks.

I thought like many other parents that whether we were also worrying over our decision to send Prabuddha abroad for higher education. I realised as never before the complexities that the novices, who could not complete schooling here, would face within the mystic dream abroad for further education. To the very sense of the word, it was a further education. But what was the benefit that an idiotic person like an unturned pot could derive from foreign culture? Would it leave behind anything for that man, his country or his parents? Would not the conceptual decay of such a man who would inherit the future in the field of business convey to the masses through media? Would it be strange that they who guide the nation by being owners of electronic and mass media harbour a subtle grudge against the motherland? Would it not be certain that they would develop a grudge against the country due to the unavailability of facilities to complete their education in the motherland?

The other day, I had to go to Vavuniya in connection with activities of the ‘Bridge’ organisation. I got Shantha to join me for the journey in order to get rid of her worries over Prabuddha’s marriage. We who had left Vavuniya and were travelling through Anuradhapura stopped at a humble restaurant in an impoverished village for tea. It was the early dawn. The doors of the restaurant had just opened and water was boiling in the boiler. We thought of drinking tea as the restaurant had hardly anything else to offer. As the restaurant keeper and his wife were hurriedly pouring tea, their son began to sweep the court yard humming a tune. I remembered that he hummed the tune of the song “Peenamuko Kalugange kiribabalena handapane…”. (Let us swim in the River Kalu in a moonlit night) Shantha with mixed feelings of happiness and sadness gazed at him and said “what a blissful life is this!” I silently sighed. I was afraid and doubted whether Shantha heard it.

Telephone was ringing. A hope splashed in remembering the e-mail sent to Ratnaweera. I quickly took up the receiver.

“Professor...Puyumika has stopped the affair on your advice.. Are you happy now? “

“You are sadly mistaken “, I replied in a shaky voice.

“I have not seen that girl for a month!”

I heard an ear-splitting laughter mixed with hatred and irony from the other end.

“Puyumika, the girl… oh… is she so distant? “

I was overwhelmed by repentance and anger. No wonder that Puyumika de-friended with this monster. But, why should I take responsibility for that? Recently I had not had a relationship with Piyumika. Since two or three months, the female university student I have been associated with was Amritha.

“I will meet you on the twenty seventh. Get ready for a dual!”

I quickly disconnected the telephone. I could not understand why I listened to this crazy guy. The telephone was ringing again. I remained silent. The call got disconnected. Once again, I heard the same voice. I took up the receiver with anger.

” Siri, why didn’t you take up the receiver? I tried several times…”

That was Ratnaweera’s voice. It was a great consolation for me.

Do fear, doubt, happiness and despair come at the same time?

Footnote

Nirvana- state of eternal bliss according to Buddhism.