Treat affairs as a wake-up call

Some years ago, the Time magazine carried a cartoon depicting former US President Bill Clinton sitting at a table with two trays. The in-tray was full of 'affairs'! The out-tray was empty.

The cartoon showed that illicit love affairs are very common and they are as old as the hills. Most affairs start as playful flirting and then move on to an intimate lunch for two. That might lead to a stolen kiss and then sex. And one more marriage vow is broken. All such illicit affairs lead to a broken heart, misery in marriage and family life.

While love affairs between unmarried men and women are quite natural, an affair between a married person and another man or woman can be the cause of marital unhappiness. It is interesting to ascertain why people get into such unholy affairs. Psychology has shed much light on this area. According to psychologists, an affair can begin to avoid a conflict in marriage. When a married couple faces a difficult problem, one of them might begin an affair as a way out of the problem. However, it takes a long time for them to realise that the instant solution is worse than the problem.

Sometimes, the spouses find it difficult to understand each other closely and one of them is likely to develop an affair to get over the problem. Here too, the spouses will take years to understand the folly of their action. People start illicit affairs sometimes for emotional security. One of the spouses may want to discuss family problems with an outsider who can be trusted. At another level, affairs can begin when either of the spouses is addicted to sex. Sexual addicts wish to have sex with different partners to numb their inner pain and emptiness. They need psychological treatment just like alcoholics. In extreme cases, a spouse might start an illicit love affair to get out of the marriage. Such exit affairs are not rare indeed.

Are illicit love affairs good, bad or ugly? The answer may depend on whether you usually make most things go well for you and those you love. It also depends on your subconscious 'self-defeating' or 'self-winning' ways.

The excitement, joyful anticipation and the delicious desire to meet your partner in an illicit love affair cannot be denied. Some people love to brag about their 'romantic escapades'. Then there are others who treat illicit love affairs with some degree of remorse.

Extra-marital affairs are as common today as they were 50 or 100 years ago. The only difference seems to be that today the affairs are much more common and sophisticated. In the past paramours tended to be more discreet. However, today mobile phones, Internet chats, and Facebook have come as a boon to illicit love affairs. Surprisingly, the same technology helps expose such affairs to a great extent.

What happens in an extra-marital relationship can be imagined. The people involved in such an affair leave a trail of emotional suffering in the families. To forge an illicit affair you need a large dose of emotional energy. At the end of it one wonders whether it is worth the price to have such an affair. However, those involved in an affair believe that they have to pay a price to get that emotional satisfaction.

Secret lovers are not satisfied with a few stolen kisses or sizzling text messages exchanged at midnight. The two parties involved in such an affair wish to get closer to each other physically and spiritually. Sometimes, they may want to get married. On some occasions, a spouse may not wish to get a divorce because of children. However, the necessity to merge is ever present.

One way to avoid a disaster in marriage is to refrain from starting a clandestine affair. This can be done by thinking of the utter futility of such unhealthy and immoral relationships. One of the commonest excuses given by those involved in illicit affairs is that they are not satisfied sexually with their partners. Frankly, such people should visit a sex therapist for advice.

The biggest danger in having an affair is that children tend to follow in the footsteps of their parents when they see either the father or mother having an affair. Children tend to think that it is something normal. Only when they become adults they will realise that all illicit love affairs are abnormal.

There are some people who would like to begin a platonic affair with a member of the opposite sex. Platonic relationships are good as far as they go. However, how many of us can be in a platonic relationship for ever without overstepping its limits? Human history is full of instances where platonic relationships ended in illicit affairs. Therefore, those who are in a platonic relationship should be constantly on the alert for that 'Sicilian thunderbolt' that might strike them any moment.

In the final analysis, we must deal with illicit love affairs by handling our emotions effectively. Sometimes, affairs come as a wake-up call to remind us that there is something wrong in our marriage. On many occasions, marriage would survive such onslaughts. Most couples go through a healing process after an illicit affair. We must not allow illicit affairs to ruin the sanctity of marriage.