A disciplined lending of the ears

"A wise old owl lived in an oak
The more he saw, the less he spoke
The less he spoke, the more he heard. Why can't we all be, like that wise old bird?”

~ author unknown

I must confess that I chose this title from an article Kalasuri Edwin Ariyadasa who turned 90 last week, wrote on Pandit Amaradeva who also turned 85 the same week. Thanks are due to my good friend Edwin Ariyadasa for the use of this term within the context of his article and to Amaradeva for inspiring him by exhibiting his additional talent, that of listening. I must admit that this phrase used by Edwin Ariyadasa inspired me to write this article.

A disciplined lending of the ears is the art of listening. The art of listening is a special art, which most people have failed to cultivate - for only by cultivating, one can acquire it. Most people only perceive by means of the ear. In other words, they simply hear, but not listen. Here is an illustration:

A customer walks into a McDonald’s and says, “One large fries, parcelled please!”

The girl behind the counter gives a quick automatic response, as trained to do: “Would you like fries with that?”

“I just asked for fries only,” says the customer. “Oh, I am sorry about that. Would you like to upgrade?” responds the girl.

“But, I already ordered large fries.”

The girl apologetically: “Of course! Dine in or take-away…?”

The customer looked askance because he had wanted it parcelled, implying take-away.

This incidence underscores something profound in the present age. Many people instead of listening to what is being said to them are already listening to, what they are going to say themselves. The girl in the above incident was, trained to inquire but not to listen. In our modern world, transactions happen at a flick of an eye.

Be that loading a webpage, response from ATM machines, text messages, responding to emails, staying in touch using your smart phones, and so on, including marriage and divorce - for they too have come down to the level of transactions - have all made a somewhat adverse impact on human concentration and patience. Technological advances are not bad, they may perhaps even be necessary. They certainly do have a great upside. However, they have also robbed us of our time, the time to think, time to contemplate, to cogitate, to plan. Most importantly, they do not give one the time to listen. An overwhelming majority is unable to fully-listen to a song of even three minutes, because their mind wanders off into their world of thoughts after the first few lines.

Once, a man approached The Buddha and said, “I want to become wise. Please tell me, how do I operate better in the world? What do I do to not mess my relationships?” The Buddha spoke: “It is very simple.

You only have to be mindful of two things. Listen attentively to others when they are talking; and even more attentively, to yourself when you are talking.” If we can listen to ourselves when we are talking, what we are talking becomes clearer; and as that gets clearer, nothing we do not want or mean to say can come out.

Those who are good at listening are often good at managing relationships, both personal and professional. Pandit Amaradeva and Kalasuri Edwin Ariyadasa are living examples of managing relationships; and only because both are good listeners.

Often, good listeners’ turn out to be good friends; and a friend who listens, is worth the world to us. Anais Nin, the French-Cuban author, put it beautifully when she said, “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”

The art of listening is a creative process. It is this process, which teaches us to love; and to be loved in return. Who are the people, for instance, to whom we turn for advice? Not to the hard, practical ones who can tell us exactly what to do, but to the listeners; the kindest, the least censorious, least bossy people we know.

It is because, through the process of pouring out our problem to them, we realise, become aware, what to do about it ourselves. The ability of listening is a talent, a great gift that deserves to be cultivated by all should they wish to live happily in this world.

The true listener is much more beloved, magnetic, magnificent, and attractive than the talker. He is more effective, a better learner, learns more, and does more good.

If we are good listeners, we recharge ourselves somehow and find the energy to carry on with the burden of life. As we listen, we are constantly being re-created. There are brilliant people who cannot listen much.

They may be entertaining, but are exhausting too. I think it is because these lecturing types, though brilliant performers they may be, by not giving us a chance to talk, do not permit the creative fountain inside us to spring and flow; to cast up new thoughts, unexpected laughter, and wisdom. That is why, when someone has listened to us, we go home rested and lighthearted.

In the first few years of our childhood all of us were taught to speak whilst we were picking up speech.

In fact, it is an important developmental milestone and a sign that a child is developing normally. However, listening is an equally, if not more important skill that is often overlooked by parents and educators; and even bosses, later in life. I believe, hopefully though, that all of us were also taught to, listen to our parents and to, listen in school.

However, hardly any of us are taught, good listening - the active, disciplined kind of listening that helps us examine and challenge the information we hear in order to improve its quality and quantity and thereby improve our decision-making.

To listen is not merely to make an effort to hear, give ear. The act of listening is to pay attention, to give heed or compliance. To hear is simply to become conscious of sound, to listen is to make a conscious effort to hear. We may hear without listening, or we may listen without hearing.

It could be said that in listening, the ear is intent upon the sound; and in attending, the mind is intent upon the thought; but listening implies some attention to the meaning or import of the sound of what is being said. Listening to the world around us is not often a skill, consciously practised. Nevertheless, it is a skill that is, definitely worth cultivating.

Active and engaged listening can help us to, better understand other people, the interactions of society and the world around us; and, if we wish to capture the hearts and minds of others, we should learn to listen.

The more we listen, the more we learn. A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows something more than what he knew earlier. Hence, seek first to understand; then to be understood.

See you this day next week. Until then, keep thinking; keep laughing. Life is mostly about these two activities.

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