The secret of being liked and popular

By Lionel Wijesiri

Decades ago, when Gamini Fonseka was the most popular cinema star in Sri Lanka, a young boy asked him “What’s the secret of being popular? How do you get people to like you?” Being an extraordinarily modest person, Gamini just smiled and responded: “Do you really think people like me for being myself or for the characters I portray in films?”

Popularity among friends can easily be developed if trained professionally

A philosophical reply, indeed! Maybe, Gamini wanted to leave it at that point. However, for generations, this question has been asked and gurus have come out with different answers. Most of us believe that to be liked, you have to be born with those intangible qualities that make you likeable. Either you’ve got charisma or you don’t!

Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D., a psychologist and expert on mind-body health issues and relationship stress says, “Don’t you believe it! Being likeable is a skill that you can acquire. In fact, it’s actually a very easy skill to develop. Some ‘experts’ will give you a series of simple things to do to become more popular. The problem with these solutions is that they falsely assume that everyone you’re trying to get to like you is the same. They’re not, and that makes developing likeability skills, also known as establishing rapport, a bit more challenging. But with a little bit of awareness, anyone can do it… and that means you can do it, too.”

Do you wish you could have that secret formula to being popular, and having many good strong relationships? Perhaps you have tried hard to be loyal, committed and trustworthy only to find that it doesn’t earn you a good rank in the friendship or romantic stakes. Yes, those things are important, but there is something much more vital that makes connections which then become the foundation for those solid relationships.

Being a good person isn’t enough to make you liked, popular or wanted.

Curious nature

The one secret to being liked and popular is having a curious nature. The Journal of Personality 2012 reported on a series of experiments where friends, relatives and strangers all rated different personality traits for likeability. There was a very high level of agreement between all groups that curiosity in a friend, relative, spouse and colleague made them more attractive and pleasant to relate to.

So what makes a curious person so valuable?

Curious people are by nature open to many possibilities. They don’t stereotype and put you in a box right away, giving you room to be yourself. A curious friend or spouse tolerates your moods without trying to fix it, but rather checks in and discovers what led you to be anxious or upset.

They go on a journey with you rather than judge it bad and try to end it before you have a chance to find out what is going on with yourself. A curious partner, friend or colleague brings humour and playfulness to your interactions, making the worst of times bearable. Their curiosity offers you the chance to see and understand your own predicaments through alternative lenses. Playing around with your views and experiences of life makes it easier to bear and less depressing.

Curious friends, lovers and family members bring you a new set of thinking tools that are unconventional so you don’t feel stuck and hopeless. Your curiosity and interest are piqued by their curiosity, giving you hope and positive goals to aim for.

Becoming curious

Most of all, curious spouses, friends, family and lovers offer you a non-defensive attitude. You can say what you like and they don’t feel attacked, wronged, hurt or wounded. They are instead curious as to what you think and why you said what you did.

The child needs the guidance of the parent. This is also an art which has to be cultivated

They don’t judge you, but are interested in your intent. That makes you feel seen accurately. It makes you feel like you matter and that there really are two people in the relationship.

So, how can you become a curious person?

* Be confident. You’re not going to get too far if you’re too shy to look anyone in the face. It’s fine to be a little quiet and mild, but you still need to show people that you aren’t afraid to face the world. So work on your self-esteem. Do something that makes you feel happy and confident. You don’t have to be outgoing and hilarious, you just have to have a healthy level of self-esteem.

* Be nice. Just start by being as patient and polite as you can with people, yet casual. Listen, and try to help if you can. Do things for people because you want to, not to get something back. No matter how much of a bad mood you’re in, be as nice as you can to people. This is a big step.

* Get involved. If you’re on someone’s soccer team, they’ll take more of an interest in you and give you a chance. If you love dance and join a club, the people there will at least be happy that you love dance too. So get involved. Join one or two important clubs and commit yourself to them. Be nice to everyone you meet there. Help out with any school projects or productions.

* Use emotional self-control. The most likeable people are those who are calm, laid back, and easy-going. People (especially strangers) may get turned off if they see that you are overly neurotic, difficult or paranoid. Try not to get angry or overreact when things don’t go your way. It will only make you feel more stressed out and strangers uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean you should be aloof to the emotional needs of others, but try to help others in a comforting and reasonable way.

* Be yourself. If you keep pretending to be someone you aren’t, people are eventually going to get irritated, or like you for someone you aren’t. So just be yourself. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind and do as you feel, even if nobody else is in it with you. It will earn you respect and people will know the real you.

* Genuinely like other people. Take an interest in other people’s hobbies and interests, they will see that you like them and they will like you in return.

* Bring out the best in people. Make people feel comfortable about being who they are and bring out the best in them. As Henry Ford said, “My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.”

Listen

Finally, to be instantly liked, it’s vital that you listen to others. Constantly talking about yourself, interrupting when people are talking and seeming uninterested in the other person with your gaze wandering will cause people to avoid you. Remember that most people (whether a friend, family member, co-worker or even a dissatisfied customer) want nothing more than to be heard. That’s why those people who are skilled listeners are often the most liked.

So the next time you are listening to someone, resist the urge to interrupt. Don’t listen with the intent to rebut someone’s remarks. Rather, listen to get the whole story, reflect on their words and then formulate your response. The more you can thoughtfully listen, the more people will be willing to open up to you.

The bottom line is that most people like you when you make them feel special. As Cavett Robert, founder of the National Speaker’s Association - USA, said, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” The more you show people you care about them, the more they will like you.