Take a walk in a Woman's shoes

By Kathya De Silva Senarath

Dr. H.R.S. Keerthisinghe

Dr. Sepali Kottegoda

If a man thinks that whistling, clapping, catcalling or brushing against a woman when she is on the streets is “innocent fun” or “paying her a compliment,” he is completely delusional. It is time to wake up as this is sexual harassment punishable by law.

Shanthi, a bank employee, was walking to office on the sidewalk on a Monday morning when she was whistled at and called ‘baby’ by a group of men leaning against the wall. She felt embarrassed and objectified, and tried to walk away before anyone heard them. But the more she ignored them, louder came the whistles and calls making Shanthi quicken her steps on the sidewalk. Knowing she was trying to escape them and seeing nobody else around, the group started following her, telling her to look at them and smile.

Unable to bear this harassment any longer, she took up all her courage and shouted: “Leave me alone. Get away from here before I call the Police.” Then there was a storm of sniggering and shouting, with remarks that was sexual and almost violent.

Fortunately for Shanthi, she came to a more crowded area which made them retreat. She never took the route again and found an alternative route which took her longer to get to work.

Shanthi never feels safe on the streets again.

It is impossible to find a woman who has not experienced any sort of harassment in a public place at least once in her life. Girls and women are traumatised on a daily basis, be it walking on the street, travelling in the bus or simply waiting for public transport in a crowded place. Either a bystander’s creepy stares, honking from a passing car or being leaned against in a crowded bus, women and girls are often objectified and threatened in public places. This reality of sexual harassment and violence against women limits their opportunity to enjoy the freedoms, enjoyed and taken for granted by men. Street harassment limits a woman from being able to enjoy her own neighbourhood.

This is largely a neglected issue. Although laws are in place to protect women, they are not implemented properly as cases of street harassment are considered to be trivial. Women rarely get the attention from the Police when they make an effort to report incidents. As a result they tend to take the law into their hands as was the case in the Wariyapola incident where a girl expressed her anger by slapping the man who harassed her.

Entitlement

The Wariyapola incident, particularly the way the victim responded has given light to many issues so far conveniently brushed aside by society. Many were blaming the victim and judging the level of punishment given to the harasser by her. But who has the right to judge when it was her body and her privacy that were thus violated? Is it right to decide the number of slaps the man should have received when it was she who lost the entitlement to her own body, objectified crudely by a man who has been allowed by society to believe that it was his inherent right? “Boys will be boys” is the excuse that society gives for men who degrade women.

Almost all women who have been victimised on the streets would agree that anger and shame are the first feelings to wash over when you feel that the privacy of your body has been violated. They are disempowered and felt helpless by the sexual harassment exerted on them, turning sometimes into violent outbursts which they may feel is the only way of ‘claiming’ their body back.

The Sunday Observer asked Consultant Psychologist Dr. H.R.S. Keerthisinghe the causes that lead to sexual harassment of women on the streets. “The collapse of the family unit with the breakdown of interactions based on love and respect within the family is a main cause that leads to sexual harassment of the opposite sex,” Dr. Keerthisinghe said.

“It is natural that men and women are attracted to each other. But when a person does not have a good relationship with his family members and when he cannot find a loving relationship with a partner, he searches for ways to unleash his desires. He would seek pleasure by brushing against a woman or passing comments which become a harassment for women who reject these advances,” he said.

Dr. Keerthisinghe added that members of the family must set an example to their off-spring and teach them from their younger days to respect others. Schools must take a more active role in teaching children ethics and about respecting others. When children are not taught moral values and ethics, they could become harassers in later life, he said.

Dr. Keerthisinghe also stressed that schools must teach their children, especially girls, on how to reject inappropriate advances. “When girls experience sexual harassment in the bus, they should learn how to say no and get away from the situation. If they keep quiet, the harasser may think that his advances are accepted and will continue to behave in the same manner. Girls must be told that they need not feel frightened and be encouraged to voice rejection,” Dr. Keerthisinghe said.

Executive Director of the Women and Media Collective Dr. Sepali Kottegoda told The Sunday Observer that almost 99 percent of street harassment is against women.

Policy

“We should refer the policy frameworks with regard to protecting women against sexual harassment. It is clear that any kind of sexual harassment against women, be it domestically, at a workplace or on the streets is unacceptable. The rights of the person who is being victimised must be recognised,” she stressed.

“There should be an assurance of accountability from those operating public transport. Also, an informed response from the general public is needed to protect women in public places. It is never ok to sit and listen or look the other way when women are being molested in the bus. It is not her fault, whatever attire she may be wearing,” Dr. Kottegoda stressed.

An unfortunate fact about street harassment is that men, even those who are educated and in privileged positions in society, and do not intend to be perverts, end up being one for not being able to communicate with women properly. The lack of knowledge and skills to communicate lead them to offend and degrade women. Some actually believe that whistling and catcalling is an appropriate way to show interest in a woman.

Dilan is an undergraduate and vehemently refuses to accept that whistling and catcalling count as harassment. “If I see a woman I like, I might comment on what she is wearing and might even block her way to get noticed,” he said. Asked if his tactics worked, he said women usually ignored him as they were in a public place. Dilan seems to think that their reaction would be different if he had approached them elsewhere.

Neela, also an undergraduate, was walking on the street with two of her male friends when a girl passed by. Automatically, the two started humming a song aiming at the girl. As soon as the girl passed them, the two started laughing and passing comments at the girl who ignored them and went on her way. Neela said even though she did not know that girl, she knew exactly what that girl must have felt and was embarrassed of her friends’ behaviour. When she confronted them, she was told to lighten up as they are being ‘men’ and were only ‘having some fun’. They weren’t bothered that their fun was at the expense of an innocent passer-by.

“The way a woman is dressed does not tell you if she wants to be commented on. If she looks dressed up, do not assume it is to gain the admiration of all men she sees and that you should say something to her. She may enjoy dressing up, she may be dressed up for an event, or she may be dressed up to gain the admiration of a specific person or persons. Unless she has a sign on that says, “Please comment on my looks,” do not do it,” says Stop Street Harassment (SSH) organisation which is committed to bringing awareness on street harassment.

“Stranger rape and harassment are real threats for women. If you find yourself alone with a woman in a deserted parking garage, road, or park, especially at night, keep a respectful distance and do not approach her,” it adds. “Treat women like human beings, with respect and dignity,” it says.

“Unless the comments or actions of men who want to flirt or meet a woman in public to date are welcomed by the woman, they constitute harassment,” SSH says.

Commentary

Shenali, an executive at a leading private firm expressed her views. “Keep your commentary, and your hands, to yourself. Don’t give the excuse of ‘biology’ saying men are behaving that way because it’s their nature. Don’t make biology an excuse to treat women with disrespect,” she said.

“Street harassment does not depend on the way someone is dressed,” Sithara, a teacher added. Even if a woman is wearing a saree or the traditional Kandyan and covered from head to toe, there will be men who pass lewd remarks targeting them on the street,” Sithara said. “Some people blame the victim for receiving street harassment. We are a society that blames the victim, especially in sexual harassment cases. The incident at Wariyapola is one such case where the girl was targeted again and again for slapping a man who deserved a good slapping.

The girl was victimised again and again, blaming her for her reaction. But issues of street harassment were not given a place for discussion," she said.

"People were more offended by seeing a girl slap a man, rather than taking it as an act of bravery on the part of the victim who stood up against harassers," Sithara said.

"If you are interested in a woman who walks on the street and want to initiate a conversation with her, whistling, honking or making kissy noises are not the way to get a woman to notice," said Roshini, a journalist. "Instead you can smile and nod, and say hello. Behave in a non-threatening and friendly manner. If she responds positively, then initiate an adult conversation without making her feel objectified," she said.

According to Bernice Sandler, a senior scholar at the Women's Research and Education Institute, USA, some men have difficulty understanding which behaviours are considered as sexual harassment. It is helpful to assess one's own behaviour or someone else's by asking a few simple questions, she says.

Would I mind if someone treated my wife, partner, girlfriend, mother, sister or daughter this way? Would I mind if this person told my wife, partner, girlfriend, mother, sister or daughter what I was saying and doing? Would I do this if my wife, partner, girlfriend, mother, sister or daughter was in the room? Would I be comfortable saying the same thing or acting the same way to my mother, sister or daughter? When a person objects to my behaviour do I apologise and stop, or do I get angry instead? are some questions you can ask yourself if you are doubtful of your behaviour and do not wish to offend anyone.

"Most importantly, you must observe whether your behaviour is reciprocated and whether there are indications of pleasure. But, the mere fact that 'she didn't object' cannot be taken as she reciprocated," Sandler says.

There are several ways that women can handle a stranger's harassment, either by embarrassing him in public by raising your voice or reporting him to law-keepers. The Private Transport Services Ministry has introduced a new hotline to lodge complaints against errant bus crew and sexual harassment in public transport. Victims can call 0716550000 or contact through Skype ID 'private transport services'. However, most women are uneasy when the harassment comes from a person they know or from a colleague at work. Sandler says that individuals often need an array of their own strategies to use when sexual harassment strikes and gives useful tips on how to deal with sexual overtures, sexist remarks, sexual jokes etc.

Recognise

Many people who experience sexual harassment and feel uncomfortable may initially not recognise the behaviour as sexual harassment. Women may deny the behaviour by saying "I'm sure he didn't really mean it," or "It's really no big deal," or "I must be imagining this." Sometimes if the harasser is a respected person, someone in authority, or a close friend, denial and shock may set in so that the person who is harassed is simply unable to deal with the incident(s) for several days or weeks, according to Sandler.

One way of dealing with it is to talk directly with the harasser if you are comfortable. Sandler says the "Miss Manners Approach" is a good beginning. "I beg your pardon!" This, coupled with strong facial expressions of shock, dismay and disgust can be used whenever you cannot think of anything else to say or do.

Naming or describing the behaviour is also a good approach. Saying "that comment is offensive to women; it is unprofessional and probably is sexual harassment," and making it clear that behaviour has to stop would definitely make life easier. Sandler says pretending not to understand is particularly useful with sexist or sexual remarks and jokes. "You keep a deadpan expression and state that you "don't get the point of this" or "I don't understand what this means. There is nothing worse for a joke-teller or someone who thinks he or she has made a clever remark than to be told that someone didn't "get it," Sandler says.

Using humour is also a clever way of dealing with harassment, adds Sandler. Yet, sometimes in an attempt to cope with sexually harassing remarks, women may laugh at the harasser's behaviour, joke back at the harasser, or initiate sexual joking or a sexual discussion. Sandler says this behaviour is rarely successful in stopping sexual harassment because the harasser does not recognize that the behaviour is not welcome by the woman and thus continues the behaviour.

Pretending to take down the harasser's comments in a notebook and making a big show is also another way to scare him off. "If asked why you are writing things down, you can blandly say, "I'm just writing things down" or "I'm thinking of writing a book about sexual harassment," says Sandler.

The most important thing is not to ignore sexual harassment hoping that it will go away. The more women ignore it, the more likely it may recur. It would also give the wrong message to the harasser that the victim approves his behaviour. However, it is wise to ignore sexual harassment when you feel unsafe and alone, says Sandler. "Your first priority is to get out of the situation and go somewhere else. You can deal with what happened later," is her advice.

Anonymous

Talking to your peers would be an option if talking directly to the harasser has not helped or if you are not ready to go to higher authorities to report the harassment just yet. Send a copy of your institution's policy or other materials regarding sexual harassment to the person who is making you uncomfortable, signed or anonymous, with the appropriate sections underlined. Victims can talk to a counsellor or other professional if they experience stress. If the strategies so far adopted are of no avail, it is best to report it in a formal complaint. Taking along a friend with you would make it more comfortable, she adds.

Street harassment or any kind of sexual harassment is not a compliment on women, no more than rape is about sex. They are all real threats faced by women on a daily basis. Harassment of women is about a statement of power and control, to intimidate and dehumanise women. It is an exercise of a perceived right to the bodies of women, to discuss and claim ownership of, extended even to school girls who are harassed on a daily basis on the bus, train and school van, mostly by men twice their age, fit even to be their fathers and grandfathers. Society needs to debunk the myth that street harassment is 'harmless fun', that it is just 'boys being boys' or that 'women should take it as compliments.' Instead men should step into a woman's shoes and take a walk on the streets.

Then, think of the mothers, sisters, wives and daughters who take this walk every day.