Il Full moon Poya Day falls on Thursday:

Want a ‘good’ friend? First, be one yourself

By Lionel Wijesiri

With a computer, tablet or smartphone today we can share photos, thoughts and the experiences of the moment with family and friends anywhere in the world at any time. With a quick search, it is possible to find and reconnect with our old friends and even befriend people we’ve never met face-to-face.

The numbers of social network ‘friends’ can grow to the point where one individual quipped that he has more friends on Facebook than he does in real life!

More and more modern research is showing the adverse impact social media and ‘digital friends’ can have on our ability to relate to others in person. But even apart from these modern challenges, how to make friends has been a perennial question of vital interest to people through the ages.

Everyone wants to have ‘good’ friends who are loyal and true, but not everyone knows how to have or be such a friend. According to modern social scientists, there are few qualities that need to be internalised in your own life to gain a good friend and become one, too.

1. Take a genuine interest in others.

Dale Carnegie, author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, said, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.”

Every person has an invisible sign around his or her neck that reads, “I want to feel important.”

Everyone has something to offer this world. We need to search for it, find it, and bring it to the surface.

2. Be a giver, not a taker

Ask not what your friends can give to you but rather what you can give to your friends. What can we give to others? How about a smile, a hug, a kind word, a listening ear, help with an errand, an encouraging note, a meal?

We can come up with many things to give others if we are willing to be attentive to their needs. Giving may take time. It may take us out of our way. But giving and self-sacrifice are part of the definition of love.

3. Be loyal.

Loyalty is a rare commodity in today’s world, but it’s an absolute requirement in true and abiding friendships. When we are loyal to one friend, we prove ourselves worthy of many. One way we show our loyalty is through our words - or lack thereof.

In fact, a key to being loyal is keeping a tight rein on our spoken words. It’s easy to gossip or pass judgment; it’s much harder to keep silent. Jealousy, envy, and a range of other negative emotions can keep us from being loyal.

4. Be a positive person.

We all want friends we can enjoy! People who consistently bring us down with their problems and complaints are generally not the ones we want to pal around with for any length of time.

We want our friendships to be positive and uplifting - and that means we must be positive, uplifting friends ourselves.

5. Build on common interests.

What is it that brings friends together in the first place? There is usually something that draws us to others - a common hobby, a sport, a volunteer project, a children’s activity.

In our busy society, it can be difficult to create times to get together with people. But if we take advantage of the common activities and interests we have with others, we can fit the time for friendship into our schedules.

If you and a friend both like to exercise, work out together. If you both like to read, go to the bookstore together to pick out your next selection, grab some coffee, and talk about the last book you read.

Buddhist concept

Buddhist literature abounds with examples to show that the guidance of good friends is very essential for life here and hereafter. The Buddha describes two types of friends, Kalyana Mitta (the good friend) and Paapa Mitta (the evil friend).

The Buddha describes the four types of Kalyana Mitta:

(a) One who protects the friend and his wealth when needed, helps the friend when in trouble and provides resources when needed.

(b) One who treats his friend equally, both in good health and misfortune - Guards the friend’s secrets as his own as well as tells all his secrets to him, doesn’t leave the friend in trouble and ready to sacrifice even his life for the friend.

(c) One who shows the correct guidance - shows the way to a good life not only in this world, but, in the world after death. Prevents the friend from committing sins and shows the way to a better world by advising him on subjects he is ignorant of.

(d) One who shows compassion to the friend like his own mother and prevents others from criticising him. Praises those who commend him. Happy at the friend’s success and sad at his failure.

The Buddha also defines four types of Paapa Mitta.

(a) One who becomes friendly to take, not give - helps a little and wish for more. Forgets a friendship when he is in trouble to get out of it. Associates a friend only for his gain.

(b) One who talks big and treat his friends only with words - he never ever assists a friend when in need. Tells about his own problems and evade helping the friend.

(c) One who sides with his friend just to make him happy without thinking the consequences of the act - he approves and support his friend in all his deeds whether they are good or bad; but criticises him behind his back.

(d) One who gets friendly to do sins - he associates the friend to indulge in intoxicants, gambling and attend public shows frequently.

It is also in Samyutta Nikaya that once Ven. Ananda approached the Buddha and remarked that “half of the dispensation is based on friendship, companionship and association with the good.” to which the Buddha replied “Ven. Ananda, do not say so. Not half, but man’s entire life is established on friendship, companionship and association with the good.”

The Buddha has explained further how a foe in the guise of a friend (mitta patirupaka) brings about the ruin of a person in four ways. He is a companion in indulging in intoxicants which gives rise to infatuation and heedlessness. He is a ready companion to frequent the streets at ungodly hours. He is a companion to attend theatrical shows constantly and he is a companion in gambling which causes one’s downfall.

Winning friendship

The Buddha has explained how to win and keep friends. We must be generous, courteous and benevolent if we are to win friends. We must rejoice in our friends’ achievements. We must praise any commendable acts and strong points.

But the Buddha says that if you always keep on talking of your friend’s goodness, kindness, greatness and so on, then you are trying to deceive him. In dealing with friends, your word should be as clean as the actions.

Thus, Buddhism points out the basic ingredients to foster a healthy friendship, minimise friction and displeasure, promote good-will, and companionship and ultimately bring about one’s welfare here, and spiritual progress. There is no condition of life that more powerfully influences your development than cultivating wholesome friends and companions. Start with yourself, as you are today, and build on your strengths to become a better friend and companion to others.