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Tongue in cheek:
Ask Jeeves
Funny Woman: Where is the Internet?
Jeeves: Hi, F Woman. Thanks for writing. Perhaps I'll answer your
question with a question of my own: Where the hell have you been? I
haven't heard from you since 12:01 a.m., March 18, 2005 when you asked
me, "How do remove nail polish from linoleum?" I returned over 116,000
results to that (almost) grammatical query in just seconds. And then I
don't hear dick from you for more than a decade? I'm not a robot, Woman,
and neither am I outsourced from India and hired by Ask.com to pretend
to be Jeeves. I'm the real Jeeves, and you've hurt my feelings. A lot.
 Anyway,
the Internet is located on a farm of several thousand vintage Gateway
computers in a bunker near JiLin Province, China. Come visit me
sometime. We have good soup.
FW: This is all a misunderstanding. My "(almost) grammatical query"
was actually entirely correct. You were reading it wrong. "How do" is a
friendly, type o greeting, which I offered mostly as a concession as you
are, Jeeves, a servant, which is why it was followed directly with an
order: "remove nail polish from linoleum." I posed it as a test. And by
the way, that nail lacquer stain is indelible. The time I wasted waiting
for you-your icon back in 2005 (remember? The smile? The lean? Since
when did you start wearing a suit, and where did your silver platter
go?) suggested amiable and immediate physical service, and I guess I was
confused or drunk or just wanted to believe-you let that spot of Other
Woman Red soak in real good. Can we get back to business? I have
questions, and you are supposed to have answers.
In that Destiny's Child song I have heard on my radio, 'Bugaboo', the
lead singer claims she is so bothered by her boyfriend's incessant
contact that she wants to "call AOL and make my e-mail stop." What's
AOL's phone number/ policy on cancelled accounts? Could you just do it
for her? As I mentioned before, you're a butler.
J: I don't normally do this, FW, but I have such fond memories
of you-remember "how to make a pipe from a apple?"; "is the guy from
Blues Clues childrens TV show single?"; "freegan meetup akron ohio?"-that
I'll do you this favor, just this once.
Beyoncé's AOL account ([email protected], which looks like it
hasn't been logged into since 2008) has been suspended. If you have any
further questions, please contact Columbia Records at 212-833-4000.
FW: Thank you! I just checked Beyoncé's Twitter, and it seems
he is still all up in her business. Apparently they made up shortly
after the applepiealamode era, but it seems he suffers from severe
commitment issues. What is the solution to commitment issues?
J: If he likes it then he is obligated to place a piece of
jewellery signifying commitment on the finger next to her pinky on her
left hand.
FW: Huh?
J: I forget, FW, that I helped you cheat your way through high
school and college, and as such need to use as simple a language is
possible. Let me put it this way: If he likes it then he shoulda put a
ring on it.
FW: Thank you, Jeeves! I forgot how attentive and spot-on you
are, and feel poorly for betraying you for the more popular and flashy
altavista.com.
-Funny Woman
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