It is always better to act than react

by Lionel Wijesiri

I walked with one of my friends, to the small bookshop around the corner the other night, and he bought ten blank CDs and two felt pens, politely thanking the young lady who served him. She neither smiled nor acknowledged the greeting, just handed over the bill and balance with a glum, hopeless shrug.

Angry Boss - this boss is no longer in command of his own conduct

A sullen lady, isn't she?" I asked.

"Oh, she's always that way," shrugged my friend.

"Then why do you continue to be so polite to her?" I asked.

"Why not?" inquired my friend. "Why should I let her decide how I'm going to act?"

As I thought about this incident later, it occurred to me that the important word was 'act'. My friend acts towards people; most of us react toward them. He has a sense of inner balance which is lacking in most of us - he knows who he is, what he stands for, how he should behave. He refuses to return incivility, because then he would no longer be in command of his own conduct.

When all religious leaders advise us to return good for evil, we look upon this as a moral injunction - which it is. But it is also a psychological prescription for our emotional health. What really is going wrong?

Scenario

Let's take another quick example:Your child breaks something.

Scenario 1 - You immediacy get angry, perhaps yelling, upsetting the child and yourself, worsening your relationship, not making anything better. This is reaction.

Scenario 2- You notice your anger reaction, but pause, take a breath, and consider the situation. First response is to see if your child is hurt or scared. Second, realize that the object that is broken, in the larger view, is not that important. Let it go, adjust to a world without it. Third, help her clean up, make a game of it, show her that mistakes happen and that it's not something to dwell on. Fourth, calmly talk about how to avoid mistakes like that in the future, and give her a hug. This is response.

Which one is better? You know the answer.

To react to something means to respond to a behavior someone else is exhibiting rather than deciding how to act yourself. Sometimes, you have to react as in ducking out of the way of a basketball that has been lobbed at your head. But there are people who base their actions on the actions of others all the time, which could be seen to be a passive activity.

Allowing others to decide how you are going to feel or behave is not particularly being in control of yourself, and it must be exhausting to do on a regular basis. We run across grumpy or rude people all the time. To respond to them by being grumpy might feel good in the moment, but it certainly does not reflect well on your own behavior-especially if there are other people around or you are trying to be professional.

Reward and Frustration

Every time you act positively on something, you are rewarded in some way. Not every conscious action will be successful. Few may fail at times. But you still get your reward. When you fail, the reward is in learning. You made a choice, you acted in a specific way and you learned something, even if the action was a complete failure

If you react, all you get is frustration. You didn't make a choice, you just reacted to a stimulus. Maybe you wanted something else, but instead of choosing an action, you automatically reacted to that stimulus. There is no way you can get a reward if you're reacting to something. Even if the initial stimulus was positive.

Cool Mother - this mother knows if she reacts, all what she gets is frustration

Most people react without thinking, especially in situations in which they feel hassled or threatened. We're constantly reacting to stimuli-an annoying co-worker, a whining child, a grumpy spouse. Instead of considering what's really going on or the most constructive way to respond, we often lash out in ways that aren't very helpful.

Of course, this usually results in negative consequences. If another person is involved, the result is likely to be hurt feelings, angry responses or out-and-out resistance.

Lesson

Even when people are alone, they often let circumstances control them, instead of the other way around. For example, when you're caught in traffic, you feel powerless, so you make yourself miserable with anger or frustration.But, if you sensible, you will choose to use the time in a way that builds positive thoughts. Do relaxation exercises, listen to some stimulating music, plan what you'll do the rest of the day.

The result - you'll arrive at your destination in a much better frame of mind.Learn to separate what you can control from what you cannot. You cannot control another person, and many situations are also beyond your power. You can only control how you act, so your focus should be on your contribution.

The main lesson to learn, therefore, is mindfulness and the pause.Mindfulness means watching ourselves when something happens that might normally upset us or trigger some kind of emotional reaction. Pay close attention to how your mind reacts.Then pause. You don't have to act immediately, just because you have an internal reaction. You can pause, not act, breathe and breathe deep. You can just feel and watch the urge to act irrationally arise, then let it go away. Sometimes that takes a few seconds, other times it means we should remove ourselves politely from the situation and let ourselves cool down before we respond.Pause.Watch the reaction go away.

Remember, be mindful, pause,and then consider a thoughtful, compassionate response. The serenity of spirit cannot be achieved until we become the masters of our own actions.

To let another determine whether we shall be rude or gracious, elated or depressed, is to relinquish control over our own personalities, which is ultimately all we possess. The only true possession is self-possession.

Pix courtesy Google images.