For the heck of it:
It's simple: if we want to achieve true equality with men, then we
must fundamentally change the things about ourselves that annoy men so
much. And men haaaaaaate the way we talk. My fellow women, I'm sorry,
but here's some advice for how to completely overhaul the way you speak
so that you will finally be heard!
Don't say you're sorry so often, but also don't apologize for your
Let your sentence stand on its own, but also have a hint of a
question? But only if you're asking a rhetorical question. Are you? If
you're asking an actual question, then write it down on a piece of paper
and have the male-gendered person standing nearest you ask it out loud.
You are undermining your own authority if you use Vocal Fries-the way
you speak when you attempt to tell someone you're choking on fries.
Tell Sharon, your assistant, that her use of "like" when she intends
to state a preference is annoying and that the elder males at the
company will find it distracting when she's leaning in to present an
We must get rid of nasal uptalk-when you inhale sharply and express
disbelief through a shocked snort. It sounds to grown, suited men like a
French horn player drowning in a tub drowning in a swamp, and gives them
an excuse to pay you less.
I just can't even get started on "just" and saying "can't even."
And let's vocally abandon exclamation yelping, conjugation junk,
glottal clicks, tsk-tsks and tut-tuts, verbal upswing, expressions of
unbridled joy, humblenagging, baby noises while speaking to babies and
kissy noises in response to real kisses.
Never ever use the past perfect: I had never heard of this being
problematic until I read about it in an article telling me not to use it
or risk being called Ice Queen.
Never say you're never not doing something. Even if you're always
ever doing it.
Probably you should speak without any sort of indication of emotion.
I mean, only if you want to.
Speaking of emotion, which you shouldn't, saying the word "emotional"
out loud is the oral equivalent of running your tampon up a flagpole in
the middle of a law firm. Your colleagues will stare at you then quietly
confide to nearby journalists blogging about feminine speech patterns
that "the having of [female] emotions make [the men] scared and less
likely to promote."
You might wonder, "Well, hey! What are the vocal ticks of men?"
Confidence, loudness, the use of declarative sentences without regard
for future publication of a think piece criticising the way they speak.
They vocally 'crush it' 'on the regular' and will tell you, "I crushed
that" with authority, regularly.
That reminds me: ladies, it would help everyone know that you're
confident if you finished every sentence by saying, "I am confident."
Though when in doubt, fall silent and nod, comply.
Not to be repetitive, but now you see that it's simple! Once you
eradicate these problematic speech patterns you were raised to have,
then you will arrive at the only surefire way to get men/the world to
listen: speaking in an explosive barking monotone.
Of course, the other way to get men/the world to listen is to have A+
breasts in a Jennifer Lopez body that never ages, a submissive demeanor,
and the intellect of a less intimidating, 100% sexually open Joan Didion.
If you choose that route, then we will totally support you, sister!