Signs of a Happy Family!

All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. - Leo Tolstoy

by Lionel Wijesiri

Some families just seem to enjoy one another's company more; to have more fun, and really be happier. What do they know that the rest of us don't?

An excellent new book written by Bruce Feiler, renowned American writer titled 'The Secrets of Happy Families' offers the answer to this question. Feiler is the author of 12 books, including six consecutive New York Times non-fiction best-sellers.

Dissatisfied with much of the advice offered to parents by family counselors, Feiler turned, instead, to contemporary research in a variety of fields. He consulted experts on successful organizations - in business, sports, and the military - in search of the 'ingredients' of family harmony and resilience.

The following are few points he stressed.

Commitment

The commitment to family and home can be seen as a package deal, containing three essential elements: (1) Spending quality time with the family, (2) Doing a proportion of domestic chores and (3) Ensuring the family's financial survival.

Crucial to any family's success is an investment of energy, spirit and heart. The family comes first. Family members are dedicated to promoting each other's welfare and happiness-and they expect the family to endure. Each member of the family must feel valued when they are taking responsibility for a fair proportion of housework. At the same time parents need to feel that the finances are secure for the family. These 3 elements work together to convey our commitment to family and the home.

Time together

Members of happy families agree that doing things together is more important than having money, posh cars or big houses. They spend lots of time together-working, playing, attending religious services, and eating meals together. What you do isn't as important, they say, as doing it.

"We spend as much time working together as playing," said one mother. "There are always dishes to wash, clothes to fold and many household chores. But that isn't bad by any means. We've had some of our best, closest times working together."

What about quality versus quantity of time? Happy families realise the time they spend together needs to be good time. It also needs to be sufficient; quality interaction isn'tlikely to develop in a few minutes together.

Appreciation

Feeling appreciated by others is one of the most basic of human needs. Another unique characteristic of a happy family is that the quantity of appreciation family members expressed to one another is great.

Research shows that the most motivating compliments for children are those that praise hard work, the process they use to reach goals, and traits like perseverance and dedication. But, be sure to give other compliments too, for example, for your teenage child say: "Son, the improvement you're showing at school is commendable. Thanks for trying." Waiting for perfection before we're willing to dish out a compliment is inefficient, may dampen enthusiasm, and does little to help the process of growth.

Why is it that today if some 'stranger' offers you a drink or holds the door for you, you jump to thank them even before their act of kindness is completed, and yet, you show no gratitude to your husband or wife's hard work all day long?

What we fail to realize is that expressing gratitude benefits both partners in the relationship-the recipient and the giver. When you give appreciation, you often receive even more in return.

Communication

Open and honest communication creates an atmosphere that allows family members to express their differences as well as love and admiration for one another. It is through communication that family members are able to resolve the unavoidable problems that arise in all families.

Just as effective communication is almost always found in strong, healthy families, poor communication is usually found in unhealthy family relationships. Marriage and family therapists often report that poor communication is a common complaint of families who are having difficulties.

Poor communication is unclear and indirect. It can lead to numerous family problems, including excessive family conflict, ineffective problem solving, lack of intimacy, and weak emotional bonding.

Researchers have discovered a strong link between communication patterns and satisfaction with family relationships.

In fact, one researcher discovered that the more positively couples rated their communication, the more satisfied they were with their relationship five and a half years later.

Poor communication is also associated with an increased risk of marital separation and more behavioural problems in children.

Coping with crisis

Happy families are not without problems. But they have the ability to surmount life's inevitable challenges when they arise. Many of the tools these families identified as necessary for coping with crisis have been touched on earlier: focusing on the positive; skill in communication. Another significant tool is adaptability.

I know of a friend who had just about everything he wanted in life but he was a committed workaholic. Life was moving quickly. It fell apart even more quickly. His wife packed her bags to leave him. His brother, a heavy smoker, had developed throat cancer and his larynx was removed in the same week. "I looked at his life, and I cried," he said. "And then I looked at my own life and I cried more."

He began to change. He set aside time for his family-time to chat with his young children while they dined; time to hold the baby. Soon his wife agreed to come back. She saw that he was exploring a new way to live.

My friend had learned what all strong families know. Money might buy happiness for some, but for most people having strong family ties is a much bigger predictor of contentment than income.

Tolstoy was right. Happy families do have certain things in common. Today we finally have the knowledge to know what those things are.