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| Sunday, 7 September 2003 |
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by Umangi de Mel They say too much of anything is bad..there are two sides to every story and two sides to being close to your kids. Call it love and affection but how healthy is excessive love and care invested on your kids? Find out. "Children need to know that they are loved and wanted by parents at all times. Such feelings last through a life time building self esteem," says Ranil Abeysinghe, Consultant Psychiatrist, University of Peradeniya.
Sharing a close relationship with children makes life easier for both parents and children. Children in the first place, don't like to be `lectured' the whole time, "Once parents start bossing, children are not likely to take it aboard. On the other hand when parents create an atmosphere where the children can come to them with all their problems, children actually open up and confide in them," says our shrink adding the fact that it prevents abuse since children might not want to go to a total stranger who for advice. "Like anything else, too much of a close bond could be bad," says Dr.Abeysinghe. Pointing out the pros and cons of being close with the children, he says that both parties suffer at the end. Parents get hurt and anxious and children find it frustrating to be on their own in the society. According to Dr.Abeysinghe, when there's too much of love and allowance to depend, it becomes a terrible problem especially for the child. "Children need to be independent. It's through independence that they grow up and learn," he says. He says that parents need to realize that as children grow up, they've got to let them go their own way. "It's like flying a kite, once they gain strength to fly on its own, you've got to let it go because if you hang on to the cord and try to manipulate, the kite might not go so far," he believes that freedom to move around with other people and see things is a must as children grow up. "Parents are reluctant to let go out of a sense of insecurity. When they were younger they belonged to large families that had five to six children. But today, a large amount of love is invested on just one or two kids," he points out. As a result, he says, even after the children grow up, parents find it difficult to understand the fact that they need to be on their own. "Lots of houses these days, don't have the crib as the babies too sleep with the parents in the same bed. People who have big houses with a number of rooms still struggle to sleep in one room. As a result, children grow up to be totally confused and often fail to cope up with day to day life," he says. "They have difficulties at the work place and with friends. They often run home when faced with the slightest problem," he continues, "Disadvantages of feeling insecure is when parents feel insecure about children, the latter feels the same way about parents," Our shrink says that bringing up kids is like running a train, "It needs the two rails; love and guidance, without which the train could be de-railed." Children grow up with constant trust, confidence, love and control from the parents. "It's a must to stop breast feeding a child at the correct time, letting him sleep alone, play and do other things alone. No matter what's said and done, ultimately he/she has to leave home," he points out. Dr. Abeysinghe says that parents are confused which is why they treat their 20-year-old, the way they did when he was five. "Such behaviour leads to a lot of problems and children could become phobics. They even refuse to go to school. They become very anxious and timid, later on as grown ups they find it difficult to have relationships with others," he reveals that these kids might even have sexual problems as they are too close to the mother. Explaining reasons he says, that boys might find it difficult to be sexually attracted to somebody who reminds them of the mother. Excessive closeness and lax control leads to behavioral problems such as Conduct Disorder. "As a whole, as a social phenomenon, the society changes because of the younger generations. If we have a younger generation that thinks just like the parents, there won't be a change. There won't be any creativity or innovation," he says adding that parents should allow the children to have a life of their own as they mature. |
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Parents
being close to their children may be the best way to eliminate and evade a
lot of problems and it may be the best way for parents to give their
values and attitudes to kids. "Parents are better able to guide the
children and make sure they share the values," says Dr. Abeysinghe.
