Do you need an emotional Detox?

Just as too much alcohol, nicotine and rich or processed foods make our bones sluggish, our minds get clogged up over the years with limiting - and often - unjustified beliefs.

As a result, we end up stuck in a so-so relationship because we're too scared to be alone, or we stay in a job we don't enjoy because it's safe and convenient. This is known as emotional baggage and we start collecting it early in life. Sometimes, an unhappy experience or a chance comment from an influential figure when we're young leaves a lasting memory that causes emotional damage - similar to a scar.

Don't hold back

It's not that our parents and teachers are sadists who want to spoil our fun. Rather, because they're afraid children will appear weak, they teach them to hide their feelings instead of crying. Often, the problem isn't about the issues, but the ideas surrounding them.

For instance, showing anger is often seen as rude although the real problem isn't expressing it but the way

it's done. Shouting is aggressive and antisocial, but explaining to someone why you're not happy with something they did is helpful, as it allows you to find a solution.

Repression stops the natural flow of grief, pushing feelings deep into the subconscious. But unfortunately, unresolved sentiments don't just vanish. Hiding emotions makes you develop coping tactics, such as addictive behaviour, which are designed to mask uncomfortable feelings.

This ties up your mental energy and stops you giving your best to anything, leading to feelings of poor self-worth. This prevents you from moving to a more successful phase.

Sometimes this is manifested as subconscious self-sabotage - for instance, turning up late for a job interview or allowing yourself to be treated badly by others, further confirming your negative beliefs.

But changing your outlook isn't easy. People tend to think in circles. They stick to what's safe and find even small changes difficult.

This is where emotional detox comes in. Rather than looking at specific issues as with counselling, detoxing can help you recognise damaging patterns and help you to change.

There are many difficulties people face when they need an emotional detox. Therapist, encourages patients to keep an emotional diary that they read through together to help spot and understand certain patterns. "I try to work out how the block came about, then teach people how to nurture themselves, so they can master their feelings," she says.

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A Patient's Experience

I was 33 when I was propelled into a crisis that forced me to rethink my life. I got married in June and in October, my husband told me that he didn't love me anymore and didn't want us to have children.

I was horrified. My doctor suggested, I keep a diary of my emotions, which helped me understand why I'd made particular choices in my life. I had a successful job as a marketing manager for a dotcom company, and the "right" sort of man in my life and it just seemed a good time to get married.

However, I began to realise I'd been living my life with a view to making my parents proud, rather than thinking about what I wanted for myself. After the detox I gave up my job to travel. When I returned, I started an interior design course, which I feel really comfortable with. I'm now happier and more self-aware than I've ever been in my life.

As for relationships, I only want to be in one where the other person genuinely adds to my happiness. I'd rather be alone and fulfilled than in a damaging relationship with a partner who tries to undermine me.

Five Steps to Dump That Emotional Baggage

* Acknowledge emotional black spots: There are certain feelings we often push to the back of our minds - especially fear, whether it's of spiders or commitment. If it stops you doing things you would otherwise like to do, you need to take control. Acknowledging it is the first step.

However painful your feelings are, it's better to get them out in the open rather than hide them away. Then you need to workout ways of overcoming this fear, perhaps with the help of a therapist.

* Break the pattern: If something feels comfortable, it's natural to do it again and again, but sometimes, the reason it feels pleasant is because it's familiar, not because it's right or best for you.

Think about why you've made certain choices and whether they were good ones. Relationship mistakes are made when you choose the sort of partner you think you ought (rather than want) to be with.

* Like yourself: Don't try to be perfect. Learning to accept yourself as you are sets you free. It also lets others be themselves in your presence and that makes you good company.

* Open your mind: If you get your sense of achievement through being right all the time, you risk alienating others because you're not listening to them. There are very few absolute rights and wrongs in life and a rigid outlook will deny you the opportunity to appreciate other viewpoints.

* Stamp on guilt: Accept that everyone has caused someone distress at some time. What's important is that you've learnt something from the experience. Don't beat yourself up about things you can't change - learn lessons for the future.