Things people have actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________
Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Take a guess.

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Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

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Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

Losing weight

The doctor told Santa Singh that if he ran 8 kilometres a day for 300 days, he would lose 34 kilos.

At the end of 300 days, Santa Singh called the doctor over STD to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.

"What's the problem?"asked the doctor.

"I'm 2400 kms from home."

 - feedproxy.google.com

The blind man and the guide dog

A blind man was walking down the street with his guide dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man's leg. As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket, pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog.

A passerby saw what was happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a disgusting deed.

The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him... I'm just trying to find his head, so I can kick his fringging bottom."

- www.jokespalace.com

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