 A way to comfort someone in trouble
by Amal Hewavissenti
The English playwright William
Shakespeare voiced a fine idea through the mouth of Portia, “I can
easier teach twenty what were good to be done than to be one of the
twenty to follow mine own teaching”. This dramatic statement carries the
idea that it is always far too easier to tell others what should be done
or how they should behave in challenging situations.
Yet the preacher of the same advice will be in an embarrassing
situation instantly once he is asked to practise what he has just said
because he knows that it is always ‘easier said than done’! So,
suggesting impractical moral advice in an annoying and boring way might
embarrass the person in trouble, and make him sink deeper into more
trouble. But who are these special people in trouble who need
consolation and help?
Anybody can have shockingly bad experiences when he/or she falls
victim to a natural disaster for example, and have everything destroyed
or at least damaged by it. On the other hand, a person can also have a
deeply distressing experience of bereavement of a loved one or of having
firmly set targets or expectations that have already miscarried.
Disappointment, alone, that springs from such experiences can be
life-threatening if it is allowed to grow unnoticed into its ugly point.
As a sure outgrowth, he/she may be an emotional wreck who is numb with
grief and therefore, have trouble unleashing the tension within.
If ever you hope to console or give advice to someone like that, take
special care not to overplay the seriousness of the loss or bereavement.
 You may labour under the delusion that you are successfully
comforting him/her and bringing him/her back to normalcy by just telling
“forget it - these things may happen to all of us”.
These words alone are not enough to heal a wounded mentality. It will
only aggravate his/her strong miasma of disappointment or grief hovering
round him/her. Words are perhaps the best tool that could be used to
relieve a distressed mind but special care has to be taken when using
them in a way that really answers your purpose. If you, for better
results, harp on the nature of the disaster or disappointment he/she is
in, there is really more chance that he/she would take offence at your
“counselling” and reject you forever.
Dissolve winter depression
How to comfort a victim of disappointment to have the intended result
in practice? You can allow him/her to let out as much of strong emotion
as possible and listen attentively with a facial expression that betrays
your empathetic sharing of the victim’s feelings. We should convince
him/her that we too are “in the tragedy”. We can ask him/her cry out
his/her pain in the first place. This is probably the great start
towards relieving the mind and making the feelings of unhappiness and
hopelessness grow less. We can take them on an enjoyable walk or a trip
and gradually prepare their mind to forget the loss. Exposing such
people to as many fresh experiences as possible may make them oblivious
to the particular shocking experience.
Bring yourself down before him/her and explain to him/her that you
too have suffered too much with even bigger tragedy but you are living a
life with more courage and confidence. Tell him/her that those unlucky
events only sharpened your power to make yourself well hardened to cope
with life’s trials and tribulations.
 You can secretly find out what songs he/she personally likes and play
them without giving the impression that you are doing it purposely to
dispel the blues. Listening to good music is powerful against unpleasant
emotions. I know a mother who saw her 10-year-old son being mangled by a
vehicle while crossing the road. Recently, I saw her busy in a flower
sale with no mark of feelings of depression on her face.
Is she insensitive (as we mindlessly conclude)? No, her broken
mentality has probably been rebuilt with a practical and down-to-earth
approach. That is precisely why we should study before comforting
somebody in trouble. |
