Assert yourself!

Most Sri Lankans find it difficult to say 'no' when somebody asks them for an unreasonable favour. Some customers are so timid that they do not return damaged goods or consumables which are no longer suitable for consumption. Then there are others who hesitate to express their opinion on a debatable issue. How many of us have become suckers when hard-boiled salesmen try to palm off their wares?

All these situations are related to the lack of assertiveness on our part. This is not something peculiar to Sri Lankans. Even in other countries, there are people who try to be 'nice' without asserting themselves. Most females, more than males, show a reluctance to protest or say 'no' to unreasonable demands or requests. As a result, they become the unfortunate victims of crafty people.

Assertiveness, psychologists say, is acting in your own best interests by expressing your views directly and honestly. The number of human rights cases shows that there are people who stand up for their rights when the police or some other authority tries to infringe on their rights. However, assertive communication is quite different from submissive and aggressive communication.

In submissive communication people accept anything and everything without protest. When others know that you are a submissive person, they will try to take advantage of you. Submissive people can be identified easily because they will not say 'no' to any request made by others. This is very much evident during the ragtime in universities. Freshers are so submissive that they will do anything the seniors ask them to do. There are, of course, a few hard nuts among the freshers who will not tolerate such nonsense. On such occasions even the seniors will get cold feet.

The Government in a wise move has decided to train freshers in Army camps before they step into the portals of higher education. Freshers are taught how to be assertive when others infringe on their rights.

If the seniors try to rag the fresh batch of undergraduates, they will learn a bitter lesson. Despite protests from some disgruntled political parties the Government went ahead with the 'military training' which is a misnomer. It was really a training to get rid of timidity and submissiveness.

At the other end of the spectrum we find people who are always out to hurt the feelings of others or harm them physically. Those who assert themselves do not have any intention to harm others physically or mentally. But assertive people are all out to defend their rights.

One problem we sometimes encounter is that assertiveness and aggressiveness may overlap. When our rights are infringed and if we lash out, that is aggression. If we simply defend our rights, that is assertiveness.

To understand assertiveness, we have to remember three points. Submissive people sacrifice their own rights. Aggressive people ignore the rights of others. Assertive people think of their own rights and the rights of others . When you assert yourself, look for non-verbal cues in the other person. This is necessary because it is very difficult to convince others of your needs. If your listener is not cooperating you have to adopt a different approach.

Our assertiveness may vary from one situation to another. For instance, you may assert yourself when you are denied of your due promotion. However, when somebody tries to sell you something you do not need, you may not assert yourself. Therefore, you have to understand the nature of assertive communication. By doing so, you will start learning what assertiveness means and how it can be cultivated.

If you look around your workplace, you will find a few people who assert themselves. You will have to take care in differentiating between assertive and aggressive people. Never take an aggressive person to be your role model. As society is full of aggressive people, only a trained person can identify someone who is really assertive.

There are many assertive people among professionals such as school principals, bank managers, accountants, lawyers and lecturers.

Like many other good habits you have to practise assertiveness whenever possible. If you rest assured that you are assertive enough to lead a normal life, you are simply fooling yourself. To get the maximum results from assertiveness, you have to practise it and work towards improvement. There are two ways of practising assertiveness.

One way is to imagine a hypothetical situation and think how you would assert yourself. The second method is to engage in a role play with a friend and test your assertiveness.

From our young days, we have been conditioned to obey authority. As a result, children cannot or do not practise assertiveness even if they find their parents and teachers are wrong. However, in our adult life, we cannot obey authority blindly because unthinking obedience can lead to disastrous situations. Therefore, sometimes disobedience is the only right course of action in certain situations. For this we have to understand the psychology of rebellion as well as obedience.

If people had not been assertive in the past, no social reforms would have taken place. For instance, slavery was widely accepted in Europe in the 18th century. But those who saw the wickedness of slavery stood up against it and made it illegal in the 19th century. So, we have to think twice before condemning whistleblowers who 'leak' important documents. They are simply asserting themselves against social injustice.