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Tongue in cheek:
So you have SHES?
First, do not fret, this is a very common affliction, affecting
millions of people worldwide. Second Hand Embarrassment Syndrome (SHES)
is defined as feeling other people's embarrassment as acutely as your
own. This makes reality television, specifically talent competitions,
extremely hard for you to watch. Whereas many take pleasure in
witnessing people fail and then mocked on a national stage, this eats
away a bit at your soul every time you expose yourself to the spectacle.
It's as though the judges' derision is being aimed directly at you.
Because of this, yes, you have avoided several instances of SHES by
simply not watching. However, you have also missed out on many
heart-warming moments throughout the years, from Susan Boyle on
Britain's Got Talent to that time that fat person lost a lot of weight
on The Biggest Loser.
You feel left out during water cooler chat and experience awkward
moments when you try to join in on the conversation and miserably fail:
"Yeah, now I can't get that song Master of the House out of my head!"
People look at each other and sip their coffee and walk away. You later
realize that Susan Boyle sang 'I Dreamed A Dream'. In addition to this
gaff, you have exposed your far too extensive knowledge of Les
Miserables to your friends and colleagues.
Susan Boyle and now
You also realize that they weren't talking about Susan Boyle in the
first place. Because why would they? Susan Boyle's moment happened a
long time ago. Literally millions of more heart-warming moments by
unlikely figures who have triumphed in the face of crowd and stony-faced
judge adversity have happened between Susan Boyle and now. And you're
not aware of this because you cannot bring yourself to watch reality
television because of your SHES.
The only reason that you sort of know about Boyle is because you
could not escape the press about her, but not enough to get your goddamn
facts right. You are ashamed and now suffer from First Hand
Embarrassment Syndrome (FHES).
This causes your palms to sweat and your face to turn red. Your boss
walks by and chooses to shake your hand because that's what bosses think
that they should do. You shake his hand with your sweaty palm and
apologize that your hand is wet.
You didn't sneeze or anything. In fact, you just washed your hands!
That is why they are wet! They are almost too clean! You washed them for
like fifteen minutes because that's what Oprah tells you to do! Your
boss extricates his hand, subtly wipes it on his pant leg and walks away
with a sidelong glance and a nod. In desperation you yell, "Susan
Boyle!" after him. He quicken his pace. Your FHES is quickly turning
into panic.
Because of your SHES
Everyone knows you are a fraud. Everyone. You should probably quit
before you are fired. You could go live in the wilderness, away from
television, and talk about things like moose and wild salmon. To bears.
You could talk about those things to the bears that you will live
amongst. So that is what you do. You quit your job, move to British
Columbia, and talk to bears. And then one day when you are conversing
about moose with a bear whom you think you have befriended, they up and
kill you. Because it's a wild animal and do you really blame it. Now you
are dead. Because of your SHES.
As you can see, the ripple affects of SHES can have devastating
affects on your life, in that you can die. For just $1,000 a week, I,
Sarah Walker, will sit with you through eight hours of reality
television a day, with my fingers keeping your eyes open, my hands
clamped like a vice around your head, forcing you to watch. After just
three weeks, you will become sufficiently inured to any sort of
embarrassment, or feeling. A blissful smile will grace your relaxed face
and you will be free from worry. Or you could die by the hand of a bear.
It's your choice.
- Funny Woman
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