It is always better to act than react
by Lionel Wijesiri
I walked with one of my friends, to the small bookshop around the
corner the other night, and he bought ten blank CDs and two felt pens,
politely thanking the young lady who served him. She neither smiled nor
acknowledged the greeting, just handed over the bill and balance with a
glum, hopeless shrug.
 |
Angry Boss - this boss is
no longer in command of his own conduct |
A sullen lady, isn't she?" I asked.
"Oh, she's always that way," shrugged my friend.
"Then why do you continue to be so polite to her?" I asked.
"Why not?" inquired my friend. "Why should I let her decide how I'm
going to act?"
As I thought about this incident later, it occurred to me that the
important word was 'act'. My friend acts towards people; most of us
react toward them. He has a sense of inner balance which is lacking in
most of us - he knows who he is, what he stands for, how he should
behave. He refuses to return incivility, because then he would no longer
be in command of his own conduct.
When all religious leaders advise us to return good for evil, we look
upon this as a moral injunction - which it is. But it is also a
psychological prescription for our emotional health. What really is
going wrong?
Scenario
Let's take another quick example:Your child breaks something.
Scenario 1 - You immediacy get angry, perhaps yelling, upsetting the
child and yourself, worsening your relationship, not making anything
better. This is reaction.
Scenario 2- You notice your anger reaction, but pause, take a breath,
and consider the situation. First response is to see if your child is
hurt or scared. Second, realize that the object that is broken, in the
larger view, is not that important. Let it go, adjust to a world without
it. Third, help her clean up, make a game of it, show her that mistakes
happen and that it's not something to dwell on. Fourth, calmly talk
about how to avoid mistakes like that in the future, and give her a hug.
This is response.
Which one is better? You know the answer.
To react to something means to respond to a behavior someone else is
exhibiting rather than deciding how to act yourself. Sometimes, you have
to react as in ducking out of the way of a basketball that has been
lobbed at your head. But there are people who base their actions on the
actions of others all the time, which could be seen to be a passive
activity.
Allowing others to decide how you are going to feel or behave is not
particularly being in control of yourself, and it must be exhausting to
do on a regular basis. We run across grumpy or rude people all the time.
To respond to them by being grumpy might feel good in the moment, but it
certainly does not reflect well on your own behavior-especially if there
are other people around or you are trying to be professional.
Reward and Frustration
Every time you act positively on something, you are rewarded in some
way. Not every conscious action will be successful. Few may fail at
times. But you still get your reward. When you fail, the reward is in
learning. You made a choice, you acted in a specific way and you learned
something, even if the action was a complete failure
If you react, all you get is frustration. You didn't make a choice,
you just reacted to a stimulus. Maybe you wanted something else, but
instead of choosing an action, you automatically reacted to that
stimulus. There is no way you can get a reward if you're reacting to
something. Even if the initial stimulus was positive.
 |
Cool Mother - this mother
knows if she reacts, all what she gets is frustration |
Most people react without thinking, especially in situations in which
they feel hassled or threatened. We're constantly reacting to stimuli-an
annoying co-worker, a whining child, a grumpy spouse. Instead of
considering what's really going on or the most constructive way to
respond, we often lash out in ways that aren't very helpful.
Of course, this usually results in negative consequences. If another
person is involved, the result is likely to be hurt feelings, angry
responses or out-and-out resistance.
Lesson
Even when people are alone, they often let circumstances control
them, instead of the other way around. For example, when you're caught
in traffic, you feel powerless, so you make yourself miserable with
anger or frustration.But, if you sensible, you will choose to use the
time in a way that builds positive thoughts. Do relaxation exercises,
listen to some stimulating music, plan what you'll do the rest of the
day.
The result - you'll arrive at your destination in a much better frame
of mind.Learn to separate what you can control from what you cannot. You
cannot control another person, and many situations are also beyond your
power. You can only control how you act, so your focus should be on your
contribution.
The main lesson to learn, therefore, is mindfulness and the
pause.Mindfulness means watching ourselves when something happens that
might normally upset us or trigger some kind of emotional reaction. Pay
close attention to how your mind reacts.Then pause. You don't have to
act immediately, just because you have an internal reaction. You can
pause, not act, breathe and breathe deep. You can just feel and watch
the urge to act irrationally arise, then let it go away. Sometimes that
takes a few seconds, other times it means we should remove ourselves
politely from the situation and let ourselves cool down before we
respond.Pause.Watch the reaction go away.
Remember, be mindful, pause,and then consider a thoughtful,
compassionate response. The serenity of spirit cannot be achieved until
we become the masters of our own actions.
To let another determine whether we shall be rude or gracious, elated
or depressed, is to relinquish control over our own personalities, which
is ultimately all we possess. The only true possession is
self-possession.
Pix courtesy Google images.
|