Loving kindness - the key to contentment

by Lionel Wijesiri

An American group of researchers took an Elders Home for an experiment and divided the Home into two groups. They gave a plant to every resident and told the first group that the plants were theirs to care for - collectively they had to pay close attention to their plants' needs for water, fertiliser and sunlight, and they had to respond carefully to those needs.

They were also requested to sit quietly first thing in each morning and mentally repeat 5 times, slowly and steadily, the following two phrases: May I be happy, May I be well, May I be safe, May I be peaceful and at ease. May my group be happy, May my group be well, May my group be safe, May my group be peaceful and at ease.

Responsibility

The researchers told the other half of the residents that their plants were theirs to enjoy but that they did not have to take any responsibility for them; the nursing staff would care for the plants. They were not asked to do the meditation.

At the end of 9 months, the researchers compared the two groups of elders. The residents who had been asked to care for their plants and meditate were living considerably higher than the norm, were much healthier, and were more oriented towards and connected to their world.

The other residents, those who had plants but did not have to stay responsive to them, simply reflected the norms for people their age in longevity, health, alertness, and engagement with the world.This study shows, among other things, the enlivening power of connection, of loving kindness, of warm friendship. But when I heard about the study, I also reflected on how often we regard loving kindness as a force between ourselves and something outside ourselves - another person, or even a plant - and how rarely we consider the force of being loving kindness with ourselves, with our own inner experience. How rarely do we lay claim to our own lives and feel connected to ourselves!

Metta

Buddhism has a beautiful meaning for this, and it is encapsulated in five letters - Metta. The Pali word metta is a multi-significant term meaning loving-kindness, friendliness, goodwill, benevolence, fellowship, amity, concord and non-violence. The Pali commentators define metta as the strong wish for the welfare and happiness of others (parahita-parasukha-kamana).

Through metta one refuses to be offensive and renounces bitterness, resentment and animosity of every kind, developing instead a mind of friendliness, accommodativeness and benevolence. True metta is devoid of self-interest.

Lifestyle

As we strive to grow in this fast-paced worldly life, we also need to be aware of our deeper existence. Sometimes, we feel we only have time for our family and close ones. Sometimes we feel we are already too swamped with our domestic duties like house chores, workplace issues, children at school, social obligations etc. Sometimes it seems that these are the only things that matter to us.

But if we reflect a little more, we can actually see that our children are not solely influenced by us, but by so many external elements as TV,internet, shopping malls, his/her peer influence etc. And we adults, as well, are subtlety moulded by our office culture and neighbourhood and modern social value systems.

We may not know it immediately, but day-by-day we are influenced and shaped by very refined social forces. The language we speak, the lingo we use to communicate and the choice of township to start our families, are all nudges and innuendoes of change facilitated by a benign sub-culture which we have adopted as our code for living.

Sometimes such a sub-culture makes us seem to be less caring, and less friendly, as showcased by self-effacing neighbours who only seem to care about themselves. Or regarding our workplace as just a place to make money; and the darker side of office politics such as mistrust and jealousy is sowed.

Radiate metta

What do all these convey to us? It tells us that as we toil along the days and nights of our lives, we need to touch the base and truly see the true worth of our beings. All too often we do this only after they encounter a health or personal breakdown, such as heart or kidney failure, cancer or the passing of a loved one.

It seems we only learn to live when tragedy strikes. But honestly, we should take some time off a day - even for a few minutes - and delve a little deeper on things that really matter. For example, feel the beat of the heart and the flow of air moving in and out of our nostril, or look at the face of your peaceful looking child while asleep. Those are wonderful experiences which make us realise that practicing loving kindness or metta is all about truly caring for our inter-being with others.

Metta means kindling the love and kindness of our own being so that we are able see the love and kindness in others.

Trying to perfect the world is ultimately a futile effort, for the only thing to perfect and the only perfecting to do is to perfect ourselves. With that everything else will fall nicely in place.

Mood

Wesak is a season of peace, calm and serenity. And so, through this mood of the season, where tranquillity is in the air, let us radiate our metta in ways we can encourage a kinder, gentler way of life, both for ourselves as well as for others. If most of us can do this sincerely then perhaps we can say that we have a healthy sub-culture.

And perhaps, this would be our own voice which we can use to guide ourselves and all those whom we love to more peaceful planes of existence-in our homes, our office and on the road.