Are you listening?

by J.B.V. Fernando, Moratuwa

Yes? Why not? Can't you see? Another Tsunami is coming very soon! Tigers are preparing for a big attack! An election is in the offing! Another huge flood is due to occur! The Apocalypse is going to destroy us completely!.....

Everyone from Berossus to Nostrademus, has predicted the end of the World...! We are already witnessing people claiming that they have seen Jesus, that they have seen aliens, that they have seen the devil himself!

Historically, at times like this, stock markets crash, mass suicide cults become popular and for a time the "madness of people" take over...But a few listen to all this cacophony and stand calmly and prosper-in the middle of this "Madness"....!

If you wish to be included in this select band, let me introduce you to the "Art of Listening" which to many of us seems a very easy thing to do. Of course you are free to call it the "Science of listening"! It doesn't really matter so long as you have the patience to read on!

With the pace of the new millennium and with the ubiquitous mobile phones, 'Listening' has become an important means of communication.

Many of us know how wonderful it is to meet and talk to some one who is a very good listener.

It is the forte of Psychiatrist by the way! As individuals communicating with friends, relatives, customers and public, it is essential to first be aware of the various barriers to listening that prevent proper and supportive listening. Some of the main identified barriers are-

1. On-off listening-

This is an unfortunate listening habit where an individuals thinks about four times faster than an average person can speak. Thus, the listener enjoys a spare thinking time of three fourth of a minute per listening minute.

As a result, this extra time is consumed to think about personal affairs, concerns and other troubles instead of listening and summarizing what the speaker has to say. This weakness is commonly seen among persons who prefer to show that they are intelligent and wiser than others!

This barrier can be overcome by watching non-verbal signs of the speaker like gestures, hesitations etc., to pick up the feeling level.

2. Red flag listening-

To some individuals, certain words are like a "red flag to a bull"! The moment they hear such words, their listening shutter clicks! For e.g. Terms like communists, capitalists, politics, religion, money, modern youth etc., are signals to some people to shoot out their mouth like a duck taking to water!

When this signal comes in, their mind is turned off from the speaker, thereby failing to develop an understanding of that person. This short coming is generally visible among the Politicians!

3. Open ears-closed mind listening

Some times listeners decide quite quickly that either the subject or the speaker is boring and after that, what is being said makes no sense to them. Often they jump to conclusion that they can predict what the speaker will say and they conclude that there is no reason to listen as they will hear nothing new.

This weakness is again common among those pseudo intelligent persons! Isn't it better to find out for sure the speaker's version?

4. 'Glassy-eyed listening'-

Sometimes listeners look at people intently and appear to be listening, although their minds may be miles away! They relegates into comfort of their own thoughts! They get glassy-eyed, and often a dreaming expression appears in their faces.

If we notice many people looking glassy-eyed in seminars, the time is ripe to go for a break or a change of pace. Evidently, this malady is common among students whether school going or not!

'Too-deep-for-me' -listening-

When the subject matter is too complex and complicated, some listeners are virtually forced to follow the discussion and try to understand what is said. Both listening and understanding simultaneously what the speaker is saying, can make the subject and the speaker quite interesting.

The solution here is to seek clarification at the appropriate moment. Students and participants at seminars and discussions please bear in mind!

'Don't rock the boat' -listening-

Generally, people don't like to have their favourite ideas, prejudices and opinions overturned, nor do they like to have them challenged. Therefore, when a speaker says something that clashes either with what the listener thinks or believe, the listener may unconsciously stop listening or become defensive. Such instances are galore at political discussions on the T.V.!

In this situation, it is better to listen and find out what the speaker thinks, in order to get to the flip side of the issue, so that understanding and responding constructively can be achieved better.

What are the qualities of a good listener? Are you listening?

A good listener will encourage people to:

* Talk freely and frankly.

* To raise matters and problems that are important to them.

* To furnish as much information as they can and want to, and

* To get a greater insight into and understanding of their problems as they talk it out.

Some Do's Don'ts of listening

* While listening one should try to,

* Show interest

* Express empathy

* Be understanding towards the other person

* Single out a problem if there is one

* Listen for causes of the problem

* Help the speaker associate the problem with the cause

* Encourage the speaker to develop competence and motivation to solve his or her own problems and to,

* Cultivate the ability to be silent when silence is necessary

While listening one should Not:

* Argue

* Interrupt

* Pass judgement too quickly or in advance

* Give advice unless it is requested by the other person

* Jump to conclusions and

* Let the speaker's emotions affect his own too directly.

Having said so much about 'Listening', please let me caution the reader that as the saying goes, 'Too much of anything is good for nothing'! In other words by listening too much, one may unintentionally encourage the speaker to be over-dominant resulting in the whole exercise becoming meaningless, unproductive and a waste of time!

In today's context, every second counts and time management is critical. The day is not far when even Robots will become talkative and Computers will listen and store what is received in their memory for retrieval and action at any time!

Therefore, let us resolves to start the day with less talk and more listening, followed by action!