Does fear 'haunt' modern marriages?

by Samangie Wettimuny

"I wonder why people always talk only of violence against women. What I witness is the other way round!" said a lady who holds a responsible post in a Government Ministry at a gathering recently.

Though her words uttered in a lighter vein amused the gathering she had 'enough' facts to 'prove' what she said. Also the audience understood the logic behind her words when she became more specific. "I mean husbands who are at my(any) office.

They are in constant fear of their wives. It is not love that binds husband and wife together, instead it is fear that keeps 'modern' marriages going!" Most of the 'husbands' whose wives were not around agreed with her with a 'full' nod, the ones who had their wives seated next to them however proved her words in the seminar hall itself, throwing timid glances at their wives as if seeking their approval even to nod.

Alas! As I left the gathering I realized it is not only them that are being 'molested', but almost every 'modern' man! "The silent suffering of modern husbands" - an ideal topic for a research.

"This type of fear is not always manifest, and it can be actually called latent fear" is the gist of the lamentation of these poor fellows and for a moment I thought that this is the ideal time to put 'marital fear' into two 'categories'- namely 'manifest fear' and 'latent fear' just as famous Sociologist Robert Merton categorised social functions as Manifest and Latent!

"You simply can't rely on what you see outwardly. I mean you do not get the true picture at social gatherings, sometimes even at family gatherings. It is a made-up view" says Prasad who anyway vows that he is not a victim, though he has a very good understanding of the problem'!.

Neighbours, very close family relations and your office staff are the ideal witnesses. They would not wait in office even a minute past their duty hours and would rush home.

Even though they are up to no mischief the fellows fret even at the thought of being found when they are away from the office when their wives call them on the office telephone! "They are always aware of the constant calls they get from the 'police'.

So they go out even on office work, only after making necessary arrangements. They have a reliable colleague with made-up answers so that there won't be any fire work at home in the evening" says newly married Nilantha.

Anyway as Dulini says husbands themselves are responsible for it. "They come home with made-up stories. It is their own bad behaviour that makes them live in constant fear. They know that truth will somehow come out one day. Every morning they think that 'today is the day' and fret in fear. So what can we do about it?"

'But not all men are like that' Prasad who initially vowed that he is not subjected to any kind of 'domestic violence' butts in. Suspicion according to him is the worst of all the ailments.

The moment the husband is away they think that he must be hanging out with another woman. But the poor man has so many problems in his head. Thus 'poor' men come out with their problems and reveal that though it is commonly believed that men can enjoy life as they have less responsibilities and more freedom, the situation is entirely different.

As the guardian and protector of the family they shoulder the entire burden sometimes, though it is not commented on, often. As a well (un) known 'expert' in 'family matters' (self appointed) Shehan says, the wives who keep husbands under their control always show the world otherwise. They are the most faithful wives in public.

Even to go to the temple they'll say "I have to get my husband's permission. "The ones who say "My husband doesn't listen to any sort of advice, he does everything the way he wants" too belongs to the same category, adds Shehan.

They would do everything without even telling their husbands, but the poor husband can't even move an inch without taking his wife's permission. So if you want to know the truth you should never listen to the wife. Her sister-in-law would be an ideal narrator.

"My brother is a scarecrow." she would say without going into detail, but her metaphor says the rest! "You know why some men do not want to marry highly educated girls? It is simply because it is impossible to live with them.

They always think that their husbands are fools. "Oya nam maha gonek" (you are a fool) is their one and only pet line when dealing with their husbands!" says newly married Mr. X (he wants to be called thus, if not a volcano eruption is unavoidable, he says.)

It is also a known fact that men who marry wealthy women considering only their property have to play the role of a submissive husband ultimately! But ironically there are even wives who do not possess any of the above qualifications, and are inferior to their partner in every sense, but try to control their husbands to the extent of instigating him to shift his old mother to a shabby room near the kitchen.

The cruel woman then keeps her mother-in-law's luxury room clean and tidy so that her relatives can come and stay there over night. But she is the most perfect wife in the eyes of the public. She is the most perfect daughter-in-law in the eyes of the public.

This time she could even cheat the ideal eye witnesses-their neighbours as she never forgets to send them a bowl of pudding or a 'huge' portion of chocolate gateau whenever she makes them.

So cannot the constant offerings like chocolate gateau or bowls of pudding from your neighbour the ideal wife - be an implication of the existence of a poor husband living in constant fear, next door.

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