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A Tough Golf Shot
 Bill was playing golf one afternoon with his wife, Emma, and hit a
nasty slice off the second tee - landing in an impossible lie in front
of the greenkeeper's shed. Being helpful, his wife suggested "No need to
take a penalty shot darling, just open both the front and back doors and
push the tractor out. Then, you'll can hit hit it straight through the
shed with a 3 iron."
"Brilliant idea darling!" and with that, Bill took a mighty whack at
the ball, which struck the rear of the building - bouncing off and
hitting his wife in the head, killing her stone dead.
A few years later, Bill was plahing the same hole with his new
wife... and by sheer coincidence landed at the exact same place in front
of the shed.
"No need to take a penalty shot," said his new wife, "we can push the
tractor out and open both sets of doors. You can hit straight through
the shed!"
"No way," he said. "Last time I tried that I ended up with a triple
bogey!"
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did
your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness,
and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is
blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was
interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the
lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three
children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had
no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any
money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Coolfunnyjokes
Barack Obama -vs- An Intelligent Little Girl
 Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip
back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard
that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to The Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should
Make To America?" and he smiles.
"OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff
- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?"
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
change America when you don't know shit?"
-funnyandjokes.com
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