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 I wish with all my heart to be
gone from this world. What would it be like to soar through the clouds,
with birds, I wonder. No one will be able to see me, but I’d see what
they are up to. I’d be just a weightless soul without any feelings to
trouble me. I’d feel as light as a feather.... Pain! Contrasting!! If
I’m dead and floating, how can I feel pain? Then I slowly opened my
eyes, fearing that I’d see exactly what I think I’d see - a room in a
hospital.
 If I just saw a room in a hospital, when I opened my eyes, it would
not have startled me this much. But what I saw made me want to be dead
and gone immediately. What I saw, was my father sitting on a chair by my
bed. You might be wondering what’s wrong in seeing your father by your
side when you are sick. But let me assure you, had your father told you
that you were not wanted himself, you would have had the same feeling.
My father and I never had a good relationship.
When I thought I had him figured out, he would do something that
would hurt me, immensely. He never cared about my happiness, or about
what I wanted. He never made me lack anything except love and warmth
only parents could bring. I, being a motherless child, suffered a lot
when I saw others with their parents.
Then the doctor came and checked me. Add to my disappointment, she
said that the surgery was successful and now I would live to be a ninety
year old. I just stared into nothingness with dismay.
For all the years that I’d been living with my father, I was the one
who tried to make conversation. Almost all the time, he just tried to
ignore me. But when the doctor left the room, for the first time in my
life he talked to me, that too, holding my hand. “Duwa, I never wanted a
daughter. And when I was left with you, I didn’t know what to do with
you. I was afraid of you. I thought I would not be able to raise you
properly if I showed you my true colours. So, I bottled up my feelings.
Until now, I never thought it important for me to tell you how much I
love you,” he said, wiping a tear from his eyes.
“How can you suddenly change to this caring fathers’ role? Where was
your warmth and kindness when I wept myself to sleep after a cold
exchange of words with you? Where were you when I lay awake thinking
about Amma in the darkness of my room? Where was this caring touch of
yours,
when I needed it most? Where were you when I prayed for death to come
and take me to Amma! Did you ever care whether I lived or not?” I
couldn’t help exploding right then and there.
“This surgery, opened up my eyes to the possibility of losing you,
without you knowing how much I loved you, that’s true. But even then, I
had no fear about you. Because, in this universe, the strongest prayers
are being answered. And I know, my prayers about your well-being are
much more stronger than your prayers to die.”
“Looking me in the eye, my father calmly replied.”
- Ravindi Silva
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