In praise of marriage

Many men and women opt to enjoy married bliss but some people never marry. So we have husbands, wives, confirmed bachelors and ageing spinsters. Society consists of all these segments and we cannot say that marriage is a 100 per cent foolproof organisation or celibacy is equally desirable.

Unlike in the developed countries in the West, marriage in the East is fairly stable. Although the divorce rate in the Maldives is very high, most Sri Lankans prefer to live with their spouses.

The bond of marriage has been recognised by many religions. For instance, practising Catholics cannot resort to divorce and remarry unless the church grants an annulment. In Islam, however, a husband can divorce his wife by repeating a simple formula. Meanwhile, Buddhism does not encourage divorce.

The legal position relating to marriage and divorce seems to be somewhat strict in Sri Lanka. The grounds for divorce include malicious desertion, incurable impotence at the time of marriage and adultery. In fact, our law does not encourage divorce. Instead it tries to reconcile the two parties in a divorce suit without giving them a decree of divorce easily.

Some people object to marriage on various grounds. The celebrated English poet P. B. Shelley says that love dies when it is put under restraint. He also says that human passions cannot be governed by law.

Bernard Shaw in "Man and Superman" contends that marriage is unwillingly endured by men but passionately desired by women.

The main argument of those who oppose marriage is that it is an institution set up to stabilise society. They say permanence of love is not something instinctive. According to another opinion, marriage diminishes man's physical and mental energy. In fact, Romain Roland said, "A married man is no more than half a man." This may be partly true because a man loses his spirit of adventure as soon as he gets married.

With all such arguments against marriage why do men and women get married? Young couples intoxicated with love get married in search of happiness. However, they are soon burdened with life's eternal problems such as children, sickness and financial difficulties. After some time the marriage becomes a monotonous affair. But most husbands and wives cling on to each other for the sake of children or other reasons.

Those who are already married will agree that the institution of marriage has survived political, religious and economic turmoil for several thousands of years. Instead of disappearing from the planet earth, the institution of marriage has gained ground even in the 21st century.

Nobody can deny that marriage provides partners a sense of security. If the husband fails to return home at the usual time the wife will make discreet inquiries. Similarly, the husband will go all out to find out what happens to his wife if she fails to turn up at the normal time. Married couples also develop a need to put up a house and store food and save some money for a rainy day. A bachelor or a spinster may not wish to put up a house because his or her needs are very limited. Then there is the instinct of self-preservation common to both spouses. Even primitive tribes found that they could not defend themselves alone.

With the advancement of civilisation people find it very easy to live alone because food can be bought and accommodation can be found if you have the means. When this happens, especially men tend to think that they can live alone without getting married. As a result, they tend to become egotistic. By getting married these egotistic feelings can be kept under control.

If all men and women remain unmarried the whole structure of society will break down. Marriage makes social cells called families. The marriage contract has assured the defence of women against other men, preservation of children and security in old age.

When you are young you want to enjoy pleasure without restrictions. But with the passage of time you will soon realise that such a freedom is unfavourable to lasting happiness. Although confirmed bachelors and spinsters may not admit openly, most of them lead unhappy lives. The problems common to marriage - quarrels, monotony and jealousy - are applicable to all liaisons. It will not take long to realise that free love is not free.

Even a Don Juan would agree that only marriage can offer a satisfactory human relationship. All other clandestine relationships are short-lived. Even during illness and other disasters most married couples stick to each other. The acid test is old age. When partners grow old, illegitimate relationships break down like sand castles.

However, a stable marriage rarely breaks down simply because one partner is getting old.

A happily married man or woman can be identified easily. They do not lose their temper on frivolous matters. They are better organised than unmarried men and women who are preoccupied with themselves. Friends can offer very limited support to make them happy. When they grow old even their friends will keep away.

There are no 100 per cent happy couples anywhere in the world. There arise differences of opinion, disagreements over children's affairs, and petty jealousies. Most of these problems can be settled among themselves without resorting to divorce. What is needed is a little bit of give and take and compromises. No marriage can be happy unless tastes are mutually respected. No two people have the same thoughts or the same opinions. So, we should have no difficulty in agreeing with Rochefoucauld's classic aphorism: "There are good marriages but no exquisite ones."