Dear Erica
Dear Erica,
 I am a 24 year-old working girl in a relationship whom I got to know
each other through A/L classes and we were friends before starting a
relationship. Almost all my friends think I’m in the perfect
relationship. He treats me well in front of friends and recently my
parents, after initial disapproval due to religious differences, also
gave us their blessings. My problem is that whenever we have a
disagreement or a fight, he verbally abuses me using inappropriate and
hurtful words and makes me feels ashamed of myself. He is also very
controlling.
He does not want me to wear sleeveless tops, remove all ties with
male colleagues and friends he doesn’t know or approve of and commands
me to stop from visiting friends and family. I have tried to speak to
him about this but he says I’m just being selfish and ungrateful and
that I should show him more gratitude.
I also feel he doesn’t respect my opinion. He expects me to
automatically approve everything he does and says and whenever I don’t
it results in a huge fight until I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I
feel depressed and hurt, and confused. I have no one to talk to. My
sister who told me it was probably my fault as since a woman I should
learn to give in. I want to be treated well, is that too much to ask
for? I feel like I’m living a lie for the entire world to see, while I’m
suffering inside. Please help!
-Mistreated
Dear Mistreated,
It’s sad that your partner is trying to be too possessive of you and
leading this relationship into a bad experience for you. One of the
foremost attributes that a woman expects from a man in a relationship is
respect. Through respect he shows that he love, cares and trusts you. A
relationship is not a prison term where one person dominates and
controls the other. It should be a mutual partnership where both parties
adjust, respect each other’s space and share their feelings without
hurting each other. No relationship is perfect.
There comes an instance that you have to tolerate even the worst of
each other. But if one person is expected to give in all the time then
you will soon grow weary of pulling in the pressure. There are some
issues you need to sort out before taking a decision, maybe he’s a very
insecure person and thinks that by giving your freedom he might lose
you.
 Or maybe believes that he has the right to dominate you. And why does
he think that by doing all what he orders you to do, it’s an exchange
for showing gratitude? If he thinks that you do all these things in
return for the love he has for you then I believe that’s very immature
of him. You have every right to have a social life and associate with
your family and friends unless he believes for some reason that you
might not pay attention to him or get attached to someone else.
For whatever reasons, don’t suppress your true feelings and
sufferings which in return will lead into more serious problems. You, as
an adult have your own right to decide what is best in your life. You
need not live your life according to how the world would see it but live
it for yourself. I’m not advising you to just give up on your partner,
but on the other hand it’s your life as well and you have every right to
be treated in a proper manner.
Take some time before stepping into a serious commitment and sort out
your issues. You have to try and convince him that his behaviour can
cause harm to your relationship. If he loves you for real then he should
be able to at least make an effort to change his behaviour and attitude.
Give him a chance to change himself and support him. I hope things work
out and your boyfriend will be a lot more understanding towards your
needs in the future.
Dear Erica,
I’m a 42 year-old educated and attractive lady with substantial
assets. I had to put aside marriage in order to look after my sick
mother who passed away recently and now I realise how lonely I feel. I’m
thinking about marriage but feel very insecure and worried over
committing to someone after all these years. I don’t even know how I can
find a person for a serious relationship. My siblings are all married
and finding proposals for me. So far I’ve not found a suitable person.
But then I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. Please help
me.
-Lonely
Dear Lonely,
I appreciate the fact that you’ve been sacrificing your life in order
to look after your sick mother and do your duties as a daughter. I too
believe that you need someone to share your life with at this point of
life. First of all, you should clear out your doubts and insecurities
that you have regarding committing to a person. It’s true that by now
you have comfortably settled into your own way of life and it makes it a
bit more difficult to adjust to a new way of life.
Take one step at a time. Talk to your siblings about what kind of
person you’re interested (in this case you can even get assistance from
a genuine matrimonial service institution or matrimonial
advertisements), so that they too can look for a suitable match. But at
the same time you too should be able to adjust and make yourself
compatible since you won’t find the perfect match.
Meanwhile, you should get out and have some fun yourself. Join a club
or find a new hobby to do. It won’t hurt if you hit the gym once in a
while or get a new haircut or facial done at your favourite beauty spot.
Look good, feel great and above all believe in what you need. Who knows
Mr. Right maybe waiting for you just around the corner!
Erica’s Quote of the Week:
“The best and most beautiful things in the
world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart”.
-Helen Keller
Erica’s Poll:
Would you go back to the past in order to
change some things that you didn’t want to happen?
* Yes, I need to start all over again
* Yes, maybe I need to change a few things
* No, I’m happy with my past
* No, I have moved on from my past errors
|
