Women sing a different tune

The subject of women is extensive and enthralling. Many scholars, better qualified than me, have dealt with it in a scholarly manner that I thought it better to approach the subject in a lighter vein. Even then, I found the subject so comprehensive that it had to be dealt with in two instalments. I hope my readers will forgive me for having to wait for a week to read the rest.

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honour, I want to divorce my husband."

"But why ?" asked the judge.

She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."

The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

Women argue differently

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time". The wife responded, "Allow me to explain". God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Women battle differently

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means: Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means: With Idiot For Ever

Women contemplate differently

Dear hubby, I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.. I've been a good woman to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Wife

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving to Kandy to live together! Have a great life!

Women do differently

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, Sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Would you please keep your mouth shut?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the man turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP!??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

She replies, "Only when he's been drinking."

Women express differently

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

"The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

A friend asked a woman why she never married? Replied the woman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right man... I guess I've been looking for the perfect man." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one man that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was a man... once. I guess he was the one perfect person; the only perfect person I really ever met. He was just the right everything... I really mean that he was the perfect man for me." "Well, why didn't you marry him?" asked the friend.

"He was looking for the perfect woman."

Women grieve differently

Husband: What will you give me if I climb Mount Everest?

Wife: A lovely Push...!!!

Women hope differently

1. HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do, I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. 2 - HIS DIARY Today Sri Lanka lost the match. Bad Luck...

Woman jest differently

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realising his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer Screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject : I've Reached Date :25 Sept 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

Women know differently

After a quarrel, the husband said to his wife: You know, I was a fool when I married you.

The wife replied: "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.

Women lament differently

An elderly woman in Matara calls her son in New York and says, I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your dad and I are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!'

'Mom, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old lady says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!' Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls Matara immediately, and screams at the old lady: 'You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then , don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??' and she hangs up.

The old lady hangs up her phone and turns to her husband. 'Okay', she says, 'It's all set. They're both coming for our anniversary and paying their own airfare!!'

Women manoeuvre differently

Women: A to Z are different. I love the difference. Who does not?

Note: All the jokes and humour used above are not my creation. Some are from a variety of free web sites on the Internet and does not infringe any copyright. Only the presentation and format is mine.

See you this day next week. Until then, keep thinking, not all the time about women; and, keep laughing, not at women - they are the source of our life. However, life is mostly about these two activities.

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