Others influence our life

Each of us has our own personal idea of ourselves. We call this self-concept. It simply means that it is an idea about who we are or what we are like. It also suggests what we are good or bad at doing. Most of us believe that we should develop that knowledge of ourselves to lead a happy and successful life. However, psychologists who have studied self-concept say that one of the most important factors in how we see ourselves is how other people see us.

If we delve deep into the subject of self-concept, aka self-construction, self-identity or self-perspective, we find that it is a multi-dimensional construct that refers to an individual's perception of 'self' in relation to many of his characteristics such as academic excellence, gender, sexuality and racial identity. In layman's language, self-concept is a collection of beliefs about ourselves.

Self-concept is different from self-awareness or self-esteem. Self-concept is an internal model which comprises self-assessments. The features assessed may include personality, skills and abilities, occupations, hobbies and other physical characteristics. If you think you are lazy, you contribute to the self-concept. However, if you say you are tired, that will not be a part of your self-concept. On the other hand, your self-concept is subject to change from time to time. Such changes, as we shall see later, can lead to an identity crisis.

Development

According to some researchers, self-concept development begins at the age of three. Others say that it begins at the age of seven or eight. At whatever age the development occurs, children begin to change their own feelings and abilities when they come under the influence of parents, teachers and peers. In addition, children come under the influence of television as well. When children see how other people behave, they begin to imitate their heroes.

Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow who paved the way for self-concept say that every human being tries to become an ideal person. At this stage he expects unconditional positive regard, known as 'UPR', from others. To get it he will behave sometimes in strange ways claiming to be someone else from what he is. People who expect UPR have lived in many parts of the world including Sri Lanka.

Some of them boldly claim that they have achieved certain mental states which are of a dubious nature. In one instance, a man in robes who lived in the 1950s claimed that he was 'Prince Diyasena' who had come to redeem the world. Unfortunately, he died in indigent circumstances without realising his dream. In recent times, another person claimed that he had attained Arahanthood and started promoting himself. Such people who demand UPR are never short of admirers and followers. People flock around them seeking quick solutions to their mundane problems.

If you study such people, you will note that their self-concept operates at two levels: a personal identity and a social identity. They identify themselves as super human beings above reproach. Surrounded by a coterie of followers, they develop their social identity. When they realise that they are respected wherever they go, they derive a sense of social superiority.

Academic self-concept

Academic self-concept, known in psychology as 'ASC', is another personal belief that makes a person proud of his academic achievements. It begins in one's childhood. The student who gets the highest marks in a classroom test begins to think that he is above his peers. As adults some of them begin to flaunt their degrees to tell the world that they are great academics. Those who do not succeed in getting a university degree will be tempted to buy a degree certificate from a diploma mill.

Gender also plays an important role in the formation of self-concept. Psychological research suggests that men are more independent while women tend to be more interdependent. In other words, men define themselves within the context of larger groups while women identify themselves more with one-on-one relationships. This perhaps may be one reason why we see more men than women in politics and sports.

Self-concept can be tested in our social dealings with others. If we decide that Mr X is an unpleasant and rude person, we begin to treat him that way. What happens then is something strange. He begins to behave in an unpleasant and rude manner. The danger is that when others pass judgements on us, they can come true. This is quite visible in a typical classroom. The teacher identifies a bright student and pays more attention to him. The student also resolves to do hard work. On the other hand, when the teacher ignores a not-so-bright student, the latter becomes bored with learning. He will end up as a failure.

Personal relationships

Carl Rogers, the Father of Counselling Psychology, said that our level of self-esteem depends on the type of personal relationships that we have developed. According to him, people have two psychological needs. They need UPR from others. They also need self-actualisation. In other words, they want to develop their ideas, abilities and talents. When these two needs are unfulfilled they become unhappy and morose. Self-actualisation takes place in many different ways. We have many hobbies. Some doctors turn to music. Some lawyers learn how to dance. In fact,there was a police inspector who was good at devil dancing! You need not be surprised if you see a law professor or an opthalmologist fiddling with a violin. People enjoy doing things different from what they do as a profession. Such hobbies help them to feel good about themselves.

Unfortunately, some of us do not fit into this picture. Sometimes, our need for UPR runs counter to self-actualisation. Rogers' solution to this problem seems sensible. He said relationships should give people UPR. In other words, if you love someone, do it unconditionally.

Finally, nobody can expect unconditional positive regard from everybody they meet. Therefore, other people's criticisms and reactions matter to us. They influence our life. After all, everyone is different. But that does not mean we are totally independent of others.