Suffering in silence:

When children abuse parents

By Lionel WIJESIRI

The word ‘abuse’ is so common these days that when you read the title of this story, your mind would prepare you to read an article about the horrors of parents who hurt their children. If so, you would not be alone!

While doing some unrelated research on the newspapers last week, I came across news story after news story about child abuse. I tried a few websites with the appropriate search terms. All the pages documented the truly awful methods of abuse that parents perpetrate on those in their care. I did not find any article or website story that discussed children who abuse their parents. The voices of parents who had been harmed by their children seemed to whisper rather than scream.

The abuse of children is appalling. It really is, and this article is not meant to negate that fact in any way. However, I personally know a number of cases where children have abused parents, which are also appalling. Particularly, because the parents themselves were often blamed for the abuse they experienced at the hands of their children. They are told that they are not effective parents.

No one deserves to be abused. It is called ‘abuse’ for a reason. If it is perpetrated on a child, it is called ‘child abuse’. If it is perpetrated on a spouse or partner, it is referred to as ‘domestic violence’. If it is perpetrated by a co-worker, it is called ‘harassment’. But, what is it called when it is perpetrated by a child upon a parent? Sadly, more often than not, it is called ‘poor parenting’.

What do you do?

Suppose you are one of those affected parents! What do you do when everything you say is criticised, doubted or considered a lie, an example of unjustified victimhood and wrong? What do you do when everything you say is criticised because it was not said in a particular way, or was said at the wrong time, in the wrong tone or because it was said at all?

What do you do when saying nothing at all elicits the same accusations? What do you do when fault after fault is listed, created, found? When past accidents or wrongs are held up as a mirror to justify why such criticism is warranted?

What do you do when you are accused of thinking and doing things that you would never think or do? What do you do when the words, opinions, and perceptions of others are used as a set of laws against which you are judged and condemned?

What do you do when you are shunned, trivialised, ignored, sworn at, threatened, told to go away, yelled at? Hit back? When the only attention you receive now is when you are being attacked yet again?

What do you do when “I love you” means nothing anymore? What do you do when you become scared? When the violence changes from emotional and verbal, and enters the realm of the physical?

What do you do when you cry out for help, only to receive disbelieving comments from your friends, or those who do not understand? If this happened to you at the hands of your spouse, or your partner, would you receive the same responses?

Conflict

Occasional conflicts between people who live together, including parents and their children, is normal. Conflict becomes abusive when one person uses threats, force or manipulation to gain power over the other. Parent abuse is any act of a child that is intended to cause physical, psychological or financial damage to gain power and control over a parent.

Teenagers normally go through a process of trying to establish their sense of separateness from their parents. This is called ‘individuating’ and may at times include some defiance or resistance toward authority. There is a difference, however, between resistance and aggression, between separating from a parent and trying to take control of a parent, between ‘normal’ teenage behaviour and ‘parent abuse’.

Abusive adolescent behaviour ranges from mild to severe violence. The abuse usually begins with verbal abuse. For most parents, the abuse is a daily occurrence that follows a pattern, usually with the child showing no signs of remorse or guilt.

Denial

Many professionals believe that parent abuse is increasing in our society. Few statistics are available to support or contradict this belief. Police records do not specify the relationship between the victim and perpetrator in charges of assault. Hospitals and other institutions such as child welfare and adolescent mental health agencies and schools, where we would expect to hear reports of parent abuse, often do not recognise, record or report the problem.

All abused parents experience a range of emotions, from fear of their teenager and fear for the safety of their teenager, to guilt about pressing police charges for assault. Most parents have difficulty accepting that their child could be abusive towards them and may initially deny the problem.

Shame and blame

Many parents feel depressed and filled with shame that they were not able to produce a happy family. They question their parenting abilities, agonise over where they went wrong, and begin to feel like failures. Women particularly live under the threat of not meeting societal expectations and being condemned as bad mothers.

One mother known to me said: “In this society we do not collectively take responsibility for our children.” While parents certainly play a major role in their child’s development, they are usually blamed for everything that goes wrong. They, along with everyone else, buy into this belief and often take full responsibility for their abusive child’s actions.

In addition to feeling solely responsible, parents often feel unsupported and isolated. They feel hopeless and helpless because they are unable to control the situation, either because of physical danger or their own emotional turmoil. Despair at not having a harmonious family life and feeling isolated in the situation makes change all the more difficult.

Family dynamics

There is a need for clear structure and leadership in families. Parents need to know how to be in charge, to realise they have the right to set limits, and to say, “This is my house and you can’t behave that way in it.” They are sometimes afraid of losing the love of their teen by enforcing rules and standards of behaviour. Sometimes parents are so intimidated they try to avoid confrontation by allowing the adolescent to rule the household.

When teens feel their parents are not in control, they act out because they don’t feel safe. The developmental tasks of adolescents are typically complex and can be difficult. For most teenagers, it is an added burden to cope with power over their parents.

Enforcing the rules

It is normal for adolescents to go through a period of “I hate your rules”, but the parents’ job is to rein the children in tighter and impose the rules. Sometimes parents’ attempts to enforce house rules are successful. However, some children become even more abusive and refuse to obey the rules when their parents make it clear that the teen’s behaviour is not acceptable, and they impose appropriate measures.

Popular culture also exposes children and youth to increasingly violent images. “Attitude” - that is, a stance of being rude, hostile, detached and aggressive - is cool. Without the boundaries, this attitude is sometimes directed at parents.

Most parents and professionals believe that children’s basic rights must be recognised and respected. However, most also believe that a balance must exist between young people’s rights and their responsibilities; teenagers are responsible for their own actions and behaviour and must be held accountable for their conduct.

Although they may strongly resist it, adolescents need leadership from their parents, and the adults in charge of the culture adolescents are living in, must be held accountable for the world we have created for them.