The lonely crowd

Can one feel lonely when surrounded by friends, relatives or well-wishers? According to sociologists the answer is in the affirmative. If you think over it rationally, you will realise that almost all of us feel lonely at times apparently for no reason. Sociologists and psychologists have probed the causes of loneliness and ways to get over it.

Celebrated sociologist David Riesman and two of his colleagues, Nathan Glazer and Reuel Denney published their masterpiece The Lonely Crowd way back in 1950. Along with White Collar: The American Middle Classes, written by Riesman’s friend C. Wright Mills, The Lonely Crowd is considered a landmark of American character. After six decades of its publication the contents of the book are applicable not only to Americans but also to others living in many parts of the world.

A Sri Lankan top civil servant domiciled in Australia after his retirement said, “We have all the creature comforts, but feel lonely in our adopted country. I have no one to talk to when other family members leave home for various jobs. Some of them do more than one job as the cost of living is very high. We can’t visit a friend or relative without making an appointment. Luckily, Sri Lankans have not fallen into this category yet. They still have the time to crack a joke or smell the flowers.

Solitude

According to psychologists, loneliness occurs when a person has fewer interpersonal relationships than desired or when these relationships are not as satisfying as desired. However, loneliness is not the same as spending time alone. Strangely, most of us feel lonely even when we are with our friends at a party or a concert. Conversely, some people cherish solitude and are content with less social interaction than others. Thus loneliness is a highly subjective and personal feeling.

David Riesman: The author of the landmark study of American character

Psychologist Jeffrey Young has identified three types of loneliness. He says that chronic loneliness affects people who are unable to develop a satisfactory interpersonal relationship. According to him, transitional loneliness occurs when those who have had satisfying social relationships in the past become lonely due to some disruption of their social network. This happens when the death of a family member or a friend occurs or after a divorce.

Jeffrey Young says that transient loneliness involves brief and sporadic feelings of loneliness. For instance, a study in the United States reported that 75 percent of new college students experienced loneliness in their first few weeks on the campus. Sometimes, when we leave the country for higher studies we feel lonely for a short time. It is quite natural and needs no counselling.

Stages

Although most of us have experienced loneliness in various stages of our lives, it may not occur in all the areas of a person’s life. For instance, a person can develop a wide network of friendship using mobile phones and Internet facilities such as the Facebook. However, even such a person may feel lonely if he does not have a steady romantic relationship.

Research suggests that loneliness can be attributed to perceived deficits in four types of relationships. For instance, a partner in a romantic or sexual relationship such as marriage may feel lonely when the other partner gives up the affair or dies. Similarly, when we fall out with a friend, we feel lonely. What is more, loneliness is common in family relationships. Sometimes, when parents are away from home children feel lonely. Similarly, even in community relationships, loneliness can occur when a friendly neighbour leaves the area.

Sometimes, loneliness is a passing phase in our life. However, consequences of persistent loneliness can be overwhelming. If you keep on thinking of a loved one who had died or left for another country, such painful thoughts can dominate your consciousness resulting in psychological and physical consequences.

Social consequences

What is more disturbing is that loneliness can have social consequences when somebody is socially isolated. Such a person finds it difficult to adjust himself to an accepted form of community life. In other words, he will be considered an abnormal person by others. On the other hand, very few people want to develop a friendship with a lonely person because of his passive attitudes and aloofness.

Usually, any rupture in the social fabric of a person’s life may lead to loneliness. In the complex modern society there are many triggers that can cause loneliness. Those who keep themselves busy all the time will find that their social interactions are drastically reduced due to lack of time. Today family members do not meet at meal times as in the past. Sometimes they have their meals while watching the idiot box.

Modern technology has made our lives easier. We no longer have to wash clothes manually. There are machines for various household tasks. But people have no time for conversation. People are glued to the small screen or they spend more time alone at computer terminals in their offices and homes. Even children keep themselves busy browsing the Internet. These are some of the major causes that have led to increasing loneliness in our society.

Self-esteem

The key factor, according to sociologists, that promotes loneliness is low self-esteem and negative attitude to life. It is well known that lonely people often develop a cynical and pessimistic attitude and they tend to believe that they have no control over their lives. They also feel that they are not worthy of others’ attention. Such negative feelings can have a spiralling effect on life. While low self-esteem begets loneliness, loneliness begets still lower levels of self-esteem.

To keep loneliness at bay, interpersonal skills need to be acquired keeping negative self-talk to a minimum. Lonely people should avoid the temptation to withdraw from society. According to psychologists, proximity is a powerful factor in the development of close relationships. We should be close to people if we want to make friends and avoid loneliness.