Mehrunnisa:

A love story from Lahore

By Zeenat Mahal

[Chapter 18]

Mehru sat down at her writing table, her emotions churning inside her. Jamal…the man she’d married for revenge; the man she’d been goading; the man she’d thought she was using; the man, she was in love with apparently…had been in love with, even when she’d been pretending, she realised. Bibi was right.

Mehru gave a half-smile. When was she ever not?

She stared at the blank paper before her for a long time and then she began to write. Her bangles tinkled. The nib of her pen scratched on the thick paper. The ink glistened and dried in thick strokes as she inscribed her emotions in words. She wrote till her arm ached and her hand stiffened. When she rose from her desk she felt both relieved and infinitely more alone than ever before.

Jamal would follow his family. He had stayed only to make sure that they didn’t suspect the state of affairs between the two of them. Would he want her to stay on here still, even though now he knew there was no baby? If he didn’t, would anything change between them even after he read this letter?

Mehru’s heart skittered. What if he was unable to ever forget what she’d done? He’d made that very clear earlier. Then how was she ever going to make him believe that she was in love with him? What if all her letters were insufficient?

Mehru put her head down on her arms and wept.

Growling noise

She was woken up by the coughing growling noise of an engine starting. She awoke with the thought of impending doom. Jamal was leaving. She jumped out of the chair and out of the main door…

She was too late. She stood on the wide verandah that led to the sweeping steps of the entrance, and saw the tail-lights of the car vanish in the thinning fog of early morning as he turned, and the chowkidar closed the gates behind his vanishing car.

Mehru couldn’t stop the shuddering cold sigh that escaped from the depths of her being, nor the tears that flowed. He’d left. He hadn’t even said goodbye. She sobbed uncontrollably, making small choked sounds that wrenched her body and stood staring towards the wrought iron gate that had shut out all her newly found dreams.

‘I don’t think anyone can appreciate your drama all the over here.’

She whirled around and…there he was, skimming the newspaper he held in his hands and without looking up he added, ‘Unless now you’ve included superannuated domestic help as your audiences.’

He looked up with a faintly irritated expression that changed to concern when he saw her face.

‘Why are you…?’
‘You didn’t leave!’
Velvety eyes

They spoke simultaneously. He watched her for a moment, and his velvety eyes held the glimmerings of a smile and his voice was soft when he said, ‘You’re crying because you thought I’d left?’

Mehru concentrated on the marble floor and didn’t say anything out of sheer embarrassment. He sounded distant when he spoke.

‘You’re safe here. Bibi’s here.’
Slowly she raised those sleepy grey eyes to his, ‘I wasn’t scared.’
Shooting an exasperated look she went indoors.

Jamal stood staring after her. Did she mean she’d been crying because she thought he’d left? He stood in the September morning now rapidly getting warmer, trying to figure out what this strange new beat was in his heart that he was listening to.

It was faint but it was there, and still listening to the sweet music he followed her inside…

And was accosted by Bibi. She launched into a long tirade and he couldn’t make head or tail of the story which she was trying to tell.

Emergency

‘Jamal Mian, so sorry about this…really I am. If Gulaabo wasn’t in trouble, I’d never go but I just ignore her need. Beta, I have to go it’s an emergency…hai, hai, I’m really sorry.’

Jamal still hadn’t found his voice when Mehru said, ‘What’s going on, Bibi?’

Bibi turned towards her and started all over again. Mehru listened with an understanding smile on her face, and then she looked at him over their shoulders and gave him a strange look that he didn’t quite decipher.

Mehru was thinking fast. Bibi obviously had this planned out. She wanted to give her time with Jamal. If Bibi wasn’t here Jamal couldn’t go.

‘Really Bibi, that’s not a problem at all. You should go. We’ll manage, I’m sure.’

Bibi thanked her profusely and were out of the door as fast her legs could carry her. Karim chacha announced, ‘Breakfast is ready.’

Silence

They ate in companionable silence. Despite himself Jamal found that he couldn’t help talking to her and looking at her and he liked looking at her a great deal.

The ache in his heart was his constant companion--had been ever since that fateful evening, when all his dreams had been so ruthlessly and deliberately shattered by this woman he loved.

And he’d loved almost naively. Yet, here he was again watching and wanting with that same intensity. Only now there was a taint of darkness to the wanting. He finished his tea quickly to get out of the range of this embodiment of all temptation.

Mehru was toying with her food. He wouldn’t go now that Bibi had left. He couldn’t leave her on her own without a chaperone. She had to tell him how she felt. But how?

‘What are you plans for the day?’ she asked as he put his teacup down and prepared to leave.

‘I’m not sure.’
Smiling vaguely at her he got up. She followed.
‘Jamal?’

‘Yes?’ He half-turned and waited.
‘I…I have a confession.’
He didn’t respond, just watched and waited.
‘I…wanted to say…I wanted to tell you something.’
Pride

She got up and came towards him. He stood motionless. Mehru realised that she’d have to put her pride on the line and give him all because he wouldn’t accept anything less.

‘Can we sit down?’
‘Sure.’
Her heart fluttered.

‘Jamal…I wanted to say, I wanted to tell you that…don’t go. Stay here with me for a while?’

‘Why?’ he asked.
Mehru wrung her hands.

‘I know you don’t trust me after what happened but you have to believe in us again.’

Slowly, she raised her eyes to his and held her breath. ‘You have to believe,’ she insisted.

He looked at her with that same blank expression. It nearly broke her heart to see him look at her like that.

‘I wish I could…but I can’t, Mehrunissa. I don’t think I’ll ever truly believe you or in you.’

‘How can you say that?’
‘You lied to me.’
His voice was dark with unarticulated emotion.

Mehru whispered, ‘I never said...anything to make you believe that I…that I…’

‘That’s true. But you made me believe it, even though you knew it wasn’t true. You were very clever. You made me believe it.’

Despair

She looked at him with despair. He was unmoved.
‘What do you want me to say, Jamal? You know I’m sorry about what happened.’
‘So am I.’

They stared at each other for some time, both of them hurting and afraid to get even more so.

At last she said, ‘Is this how it’s going to be? For the rest of our lives?’
‘Probabaly.’
A sob escaped Mehru.

‘Don’t do this Jamal. You deserve better. You should marry someone you can love. You should…’

‘So that’s what this is all about then?’ he shot at her.

His eyes shot fire. ‘You want me to let you go? Are you so naïve, you don’t know what will happen to you as a divorced woman? Just because we have the British ruling over us, doesn’t make us goras Mehrunissa.

You’ll be shunned. No one will entertain you in their home. You will be a pariah. Your own family won’t support you.’

‘None of it will be new to me, Jamal.’
Trust

She knocked the wind out of his sails with that quiet sentence. They stood staring at each other. Mehru saw the doubt in his eyes. He’d never trust her. He felt sorry for her maybe.

‘I’m sorry I hurt you but I didn’t think I’d be able to hurt you all that much. I didn’t realise, honest.

At the time, I just wanted to get even with my grandmother.’
‘Well, you succeeded in doing both, whether you wanted or not.’
Mehru opened her mouth to say something but Jamal shook his head.

‘Mehru…Mehrunissa, I cannot. I have to stay here till Bibi returns and I don’t know what to think. You’re so unpredictable.

I never know who you’ll turn into next time I look at you.’
‘I’m not all that bad.’

‘Really? From the sad abandoned daughter to damsel in distress, to vengeful heartless woman, to pregnant with another man’s child…’

‘I think I get the picture,’ she said in a wobbly voice.
‘Is this funny? You think this is funny?’
She couldn’t hold the laughter in and it bubbled out. She gasped, ‘I’m sorry.’
Laughter

But she couldn’t stop the laughter. Jamal shook his head with a smile on his face and then he gave a reluctant little laugh, as he said, ‘Well, I suppose it is a little. And the outrageous songs you sang without batting an eyelid…my poor brother in law’s been scarred for life.’

And then they were both laughing.
‘That song,’ Jamal said catching his breath.
‘Yes?’
‘Where did you learn it? Wait. I don’t want to know.’
At Mehru’s eruption of another bout of mirth, he added with mock gravity, ‘I mean it.’

‘I promise I won’t tell.’

‘I’ll never forget that dinner you arranged…’

Gradually as their laughter faded, she caught Jamal looking at her with such longing, Mehru felt her heart flutter.

‘Jamal…’

He searched her face as he confessed, ‘I want nothing more than to believe in us but there’s a barrier I cannot cross.’

Faith

‘I’ll cross it this time, Jamal. I trust you. I’ll put my faith in you this time. You don’t have to say anything. I can wait for you.’

He stared into her eyes and smiling sadly he said, ‘I’m sorry, Mehru.

I cannot trust myself with you. I don’t recognize myself with you. You make me into this weak unprincipled man I don’t like and I don’t want to be.

Just…just know that you are my wife and I am your husband and it is a curse we both must endure.’

He turned on his heels and left the room. Mehru stood trying not to notice the flood of tears that erupted in quiet mutiny.

Glossary of terms

Chowkidaar: Gate keeper
Mian: Mister
Beta: son
Hai, hai: an exclamation of distress
Goras: British
Chacha: honorary title for older man

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