Unduvap Full Moon Poya day falls on Saturday:

The ideal family, envisaged in Buddhism

By Lionel Wijesisi

The idea of a perfect family fascinates us, even if at some level we know there’s no such thing. But by imagining that there are those who seem to have everything right, we are setting ourselves up for perpetual disappointment. Especially if we strive to mimic them.

In that family we have located idealised templates for what is expected and what should be preserved. And in that ideal social space, our norms have already allocated an ideal place for each one of us.

Unfortunately, many of us seem to have held form to privilege over substance. We have given priority to completeness and the fulfilment of ideal roles, instead of what the family is supposed to be - that of love and respect.

I remember when I was a child, I had as my image of a perfect family this picture of a happy complete group of a father wearing working clothes (it is assumed he is the only one working), a mother wearing an apron (it is assumed that she is not working, and stays at home taking care of the house and of the children), of an older son (it had to be a boy to be older) playing with toy cars and water pistol, his younger sister (it had to be a girl to be younger) playing with a doll, a happy dog and an equally happy cat living in a house with a nice happy garden full of flowering plants and vegetables.

I am sure I am not alone in having these childhood fantasies. I’m also sure we’ve kept them deep in our consciousness even in our adult years.

At some point of our teenage lives, all of us have identified a family on TV or at the neighbourhood playground that we consider the “lucky family.” They’re gorgeous and seemingly well mannered, intelligent, socially adept and comfortably affluent.

Whether this outwardly ideal family is truly happy, however, may be the real question. In fact, luck has very little to do with “lucky” families - for all the right reasons.

Buddhist teaching

“Family” according to Buddhist social philosophy refers to the grouping of people living under the same roof. Typically a family, in this context, will consist of a married couple and their children and sometimes one or more grandparents. These people are tied by the same genetic material. We are all members of a family from the time of our birth till we die.

Concept

From this central meaning the concept is extended to include wider relatives, neighbours, friends, neighbours, community, society and ultimately to all humanity and all sentient beings.

Traditionally Buddhists regard the family unit as the core of the community and society and without a solid core made up of moral and ethical values, the community and society will suffer. If, at the family level, there is adherence to the Buddhist beliefs and teachings, then the community and society also adhere to them.

What does Buddhism teach us about the perfect family? Although the primary models for the most effective religious lifestyle in Buddhism are the celibate monastic or the committed Bodhisattva, members of the laity have always constituted the great majority of Buddhist practitioners. As such, the interpersonal familial social relationships of the laity are especially important, and were occasionally the focus of Buddha’s most pointed and specific instructions.

The duties of children to their parents were stressed in India from a very early date. The Rukkhadhamma Jåtaka expressed the value of the solidarity of a family, using the simile of the trees of a forest”; these are “able to withstand the force of the wind whereas a solitary tree, however large, is not.”

Sermons

Perhaps the most famous and important of Buddha’s family-oriented sermons is the Sigalovada Sutta of the Digha Nikåya, in which Buddha provides explicit instructions to the layman Sigala, who is trying to honour his father’s dying wish that he honour the six directions.

Buddha compared worshipping the six directions to proper actions towards six categories of persons. The six directions - east, south, west, north, nadir and zenith - correspond to parents, teachers, wife and children, friends and companions, servants and workpeople, and religious teachers.

Before expounding on the specific requirements of proper social and familial relating, the Buddha encourages Sigala, generally, to keep the precepts, and to avoid acting from impulse (chanda), hatred (dosa), fear (bhaya), or delusion (moha).

The first relationship addressed by Buddha is that of parents and children. On the relationship between parents and children, the Buddha’s instructions are straightforward and explicit. As the Sigalovada Sutta proclaims: In five ways a child should minister to his parents as the eastern quarter: “once supported by them, I will now be their support; I will perform duties incumbent on them;

I will keep up the lineage and tradition of my family; I will make myself worthy of my heritage; I will make alms offerings on their behalf after they are dead.In five ways parents thus ministered to, as the eastern quarter by their child, show their love for him: they restrain him from vice; they exhort him to virtue; they train him to a profession; they contract a suitable marriage for him; and in due time they hand over his inheritance.

Expectations

The Sigaloaada Sutta also offers a similar paired pattern of husband-wife relational expectations:

In five ways should a wife as western quarter be ministered to by her husband: by respect, by courtesy, by faithfulness, by handing over authority to her, by providing her with adornment.

In these five ways does the wife, ministered to by her husband as the western quarter, love him: her duties are well performed, by hospitality to the kin of both, by faithfulness, by watching over the goods he brings, and by skill and industry in discharging all her business.

Because, as noted here, most marriages in early Buddhism were arranged, the Buddha occasionally offered advice to a man’s daughters on how to conduct themselves in marriage.

“(1) Regarding her husband she gets up before him, retires after him, willingly does what he asks, is lovely in her ways and gentle in speech,’ not being one to anger him; (2) she honours all whom her husband respects, whether relative, monk; (3) she is deft and nimble in her husband’s home-crafts, such as weaving; (4) she watches over servants and workpeople with care and kindness; and (5) she looks after the wealth her husband brings home.” It should also be noted that divorce, although generally infrequent in early Buddhism, was permitted.

Relationships

In other words, all familial relationships, such as interpersonal relationships throughout Buddhism, are steeped in the ethical values and standards typified by the four “divine abodes” (brahmaviharas) of loving-kindness (metta), compassion (karuna), joy (mudita), and equanimity (upekkha).

These qualities remain a powerful benchmark against which Buddhist family life throughout the world, including modern Sri Lanka, is invariably measured.

The fact is, luck actually has very little to do with building a great family. It doesn’t just happen, you’re not just born with it. A great family, like any great relationship, needs effort.

A great family is more likely to succeed if everyone is on-board playing the same game by the same rules. This is where Buddhist teachings play a key role.