How sincere are we to ourselves?

It pays to enrich one’s honesty :

by Lionel Wijesiri

What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!
Sir Walter Scott

Two years ago, I received a cheque for Rs. 87,250.00 as payment of an insurance claim for damages my car suffered in a traffic accident. About 2 weeks later, 1 received another cheque for an identical sum from the same insurance company. When 1 mentioned this blunder to some friends, they asked me what I’d done with the second cheque. “Sent it back, of course, with an explanatory note,” I answered.

They howled in disbelief. Every one of these decent, respectable people said, I should have kept both cheques. I was surprised, and thought to myself, “Are we all dishonest?”

How about you?

Would you perjure yourself for money? If the answer is no, that’s fine! But think again. How about your last income-tax returns. Have you declared the true, correct, and complete information? If it’s yes, you earn the points. Yet, many taxpayers either under-report their income, exaggerate their expenses or make some other error in their favour.

Would you steal a small item when you return from a visit to one of your friends? Of course not. But from a hotel one might. Hotel owners estimate, one third of the guests appropriate some item, from clothes hangers to writing pad to bed linen from their rooms.

These are respectable people who tell themselves they’re just picking up a souvenir.

Would you try to collect money you’re not entitled to, by submitting a false insurance claim? Before you say no, think: Have you ever cajoled a repair shop owner into falsifying your repair estimate to gain a better insurance claim?

Would you pinch cash from your boss’s safe? Certainly not. Consider, though, expense-account padding on your subsistence bill.

Total honesty

If dishonesty stems from a lack of trust, what does it mean when we lie to ourselves? And how much damage does it do us in the long run, to not trust our own feelings or actions? Most times we know when we’re lying to ourselves , we glimpse the truth in our own actions and we excuse or justify that truth away.

Can you be truly honest? Do you have what it takes to approach the world, full of trust? Not stupidly or naively, you don’t have to reveal your income tax details to everyone who asks, although you don’t have to lie about why you won’t disclose it, either.

If you could be totally honest, at least with people who matter most in your life, what would change? Would it be better or worse? Finally, if you could be totally honest with your own self, would you be happier or sadder? These questions are worth examining, honestly.

There are numerous situations that could test our resolve to be completely honest. The tendency seems to start in childhood, when we want to avoid punishment. Fear gets the better of us, and we say something in an effort to avoid the consequences of whatever it was that we did.

If it works, then we just saw proof that lying is less painful and requires less courage than honesty.

Since moving away from pain is the strongest human motivator, we quickly learn to fall back on dishonesty anytime we think it will spare us from the painful consequences.

For some, this tactic is reserved for only the stickiest of situations, while for others, lying becomes their strategy of choice and as long as they don’t get caught they feel no guilt or remorse. Anytime we need to justify our actions, we know we are doing something wrong.

Making excuses may soothe our mind temporarily, but doesn’t do anything for the internal conflict that is created.When we deliberately do something that violates our core ethics, it sets in motion a destructive emotional conflict.

The end result will be the slow erosion of our core values or the manifestation of some self-sabotaging behaviour. Either way, we lose!

Do you want to be honest to yourself?

These four ways will help to become even more honest and tactful.

1. Set the record straight. Are there times when you have been less than honest in the past? Having the courage to review your past offences may cause some discomfort, but recognizing where you have tweaked the truth can help identify patterns and stop them from continuing.

2. Practise honesty in little things. There is a tendency to think it’s permissible to add a little harmless flare to the little things, where nothing is at stake. The problem is, if we are dishonest in little things it will carry over to more meaningful areas. It is better to develop honest habits in areas that require less courage, first, so we can build up our integrity to face the more difficult challenges.

3. Honestly emphasize the positive. Just because we are being honest doesn’t mean it’s our job to point out the faults and shortcomings of others. If we focus on the positive, our honest evaluation of people and situations can be both refreshing and encouraging.

4. Don’t confuse preferences with reality. It is easy to colour our view of reality based on our personal likes and dislikes. In order to be honest with others we need to recognize that our personal preferences don’t change reality. They only change how we feel about certain things. Being honest doesn’t mean we are obliged to express our feelings on every subject.

Honesty has never been easy. The highest morality involves sacrifice, choice and a deep sense of responsibility, to others, as well as oneself, to strangers as well as one’s family, to institutions as well as individuals. It is a small price to pay if we are to live together in trust.