Guest: Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?

Hotel host: I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from.

* * *

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were. "I'm so tough," said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week." "Well," said the second boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day."

"That's nothing," said the third boy, "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear both of them out in an hour."

* * *

My dad bought my mum a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh," said my dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet," "How come?" I asked. "Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing..."

* * *

One day during a cookery class, Mrs. Fernando, the teacher was telling us her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I thought about the physics behind the use of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Fernando to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked her. "Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."

* * *

Computers are like air-conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

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