Men cry foul over female preference!

By Samange WETTAMUNY

Strangely enough, our men folk do not seem to be quite happy about the entire set up. Some of them are quite puzzled as to why only topics such as 'male dominance and violence against women' always dominate newspaper headlines, when there are so many other issues worthy of discussion. "Do you think that having a day dedicated for women, itself means that women are fragile, less privileged and need help from the rest of society?" retorted one of my male colleagues who demanded that I should take back all what I wrote for the International Women's Day a few months ago!!

Does it mean that we, men folk are privileged and do not need any help from society, just because there is no International day on our calendar?" he asked.

It is human nature to feel 'sympathetic' towards anyone confronted with 'discrimination' of any kind. However, in a society where almost all the families operate under a patriarchal setup, do you think any of us would ever take his words seriously? After all, it is women who bear and raise children who will finally carry their father's surname.

If you ever thought of referring to 'men folk' as 'independent variables', women are sure to be the 'dependant'. Hey, girls, can you ever guess why I came out with this 'seemingly' stupid argument.It is as simple as this. If you marry one Mr. Silva, you'll become Mrs. Silva and If you tie the knot with Mr. Perera, you'll be addressed as Mrs. Perera!

You may find all these arguments stupid on the face of it. But can we ever overlook the hardships encountered by women throughout their lives in their diverse roles as a daughter, a wife, a mother and a grandmother! Above all, it is women who often get sexually harassed, quite often women have to sacrifice their higher education and career after marriage while her husband faces no such barriers, women are subjected to domestic violence and loads of other problems can be added.

Men's dilemma

But believe me, my angry colleague, is by no means the only one who holds similar views. Most of them need a 'shoulder to cry on'! There are enough stories of 'female dominance' and 'male unrest' and their 'grievances' appear to have fallen on deaf ears!

Gone were the days when girls had restrictions to outperform boys."Now the tables have turned" says Duminda. Contrary to the commonly held view that women have to make a lot of sacrifices after marriage, he says that greater responsibilities are always shouldered by the husband. "True that women raise children and look after them. But it is men who give strength and protection to women.

But our dedication go largely unnoticed by most." "Though it is said that women lose their freedom after marriage, it is not always true. A day at home with my wife is like a fate worse than death."

Duminda is well supported by radio journalist, Thiwanka who says that his wife's demanding ways have taken their toll. "She has no respect for me at all, but does not hesitate to spend lavishly what I earn. The worst part of it is that she often compares me with her friend's husband who is said to be more outgoing. I advise her often, but it is just like pouring water on a duck's back."

Glass Ceiling

As Thiwanka says the majority of husbands undergo a similar plight, though they do not reveal it in public. "We hardly get into the streets and protest over these matters," he winks.

Wasantha, a research assistant of a reputed company in Colombo, who had to undergo lots of difficulties due to his female colleagues at office says that there is no 'Glass ceiling' as such which blocks women's upward advancement in their career. His claim is that, in most of the workplaces Heads are too lenient on female staffers.

"They know how to get around bosses and get their promotions done. They would spend hours talking to them, but will sign off at sharp 4.30 p.m. The common 'slogan' is Kellone, Ikmanata Gedara Yanna Epai (Girls should go home early) As a result we, guys have to bear the brunt."

Wasantha says that he does not mind working 'like a bull' if at least his dedication is appreciated with salary increments and promotions.

"When it comes to promotions and salary increments, none of these things istaken into consideration. Girls know how to get away with any wrong they commit. They walk off with promotions and salary increments."

Even the present method of offering scholarships is also disadvantageous for men. "In some international scholarships preference is given for girls. They must have set the rule considering the situation that existed in the past. But now women are on par with men or rather far ahead of men in spheres such as education. So I wonder whether such preferences are needed any longer," he queried.

Let's set aside those issues. "Even when we are on board, we may get caught in embarrassing situations because of women. So I am extra careful when a woman is seated next to me either on a bus or train." said Navaratna, a retired teacher. A regular passenger whom I meet on Colombo bound Inter city bus too supported Navaratna's views.

"I am really scared when a girl sits next to me. Even if you slightly touch her hand by accident she will shout at you." Recalling one of his experiences, he said that once he was shocked to see a girl shouting at a man who was standing next to her on the bus. "Take your hands off me', she yelled at him at the top of her voice. In fact I saw him standing next to her. It was merely by accident that his hand touched her shoulder."

He won't deny that there are perverts on buses or on any public transport who would molest women, "But sometimes innocent men too fall into trouble. Imagine how embarrassing it is when an angry woman suddenly glares at you with an air of accusation or shouts at you when you are on board!

According to a Colombo bound Inter city bus conductor there are certain women who would harass men. "They would approach men on purpose. But if things don't seem to work out properly, they'll put the blame on men."

Two options

One of the main points raised by a reputed tuition master is that women's inability to choose one of the two options available cause problems. Either they should fight for equal rights or remain soft-spoken and fragile. "Today, women are free to make choices unavailable to past generations of women. They have been quite successful in their fight for equal rights. In almost all the spheres they have achieved a lot.Yet when it comes to crucial issues they use their gender to their advantage."

In most of the offices only male officers are assigned for night duty. When on board, most of the time women expect men to offer them a seat or to be given priority when taking a seat. " If not women will throw sarcastic glances at you "Ganu Kiyala Hithan Naha, Puduma Minissu (They don't even consider our gender, what a set of men!)

As Chinthana, who works for a reputed International Airline says media always prefer to dramatise girls' broken heart stories, but not of men who suffer in silence.

" Do you think that only girls suffer due to broken relationships. I know of a friend who remains unmarried to this day still thinking of a girl who deserted him. We rarely stand a chance because we are not used to shed tears in public."

Chinthana dismisses most of the generally held views which "are highly in favour of women." "Being the only son in a family is highly disadvantageous." he says. "Your parents and sisters will send you on errands, you will have to be the 'guardian' of your younger sisters and loads of other work. In short I have to work like a bull. No compliments. "Kollone, Monawa Karanna Barida" (They're boys, what can't they do?) that is the only remark they will make at the end of the day!

However, Chinthana was not aware of the ' latest requirement' for being a 'good husband'. You all may be aware of it. The latest trend is to check whether your husband-to-be has enough culinary skills! "Whether you are a man or woman you should know how to prepare a meal."

What do you think of these stories of 'female dominance' and 'male unrest'? It is high time that the government established a 'Ministry for Men's Affairs" and a "Men's Bureau" to look into their needs. And also sociologists too will have a wider role to play- they'll have to broaden the scope of their 'pet topic' gender issues! The debate is on.

Some names have been changed