Agni Chakra

(Chapter 19)

(Circles of Fire)

By Kathleen JAYAWARDANE

Translated by Ranga Chandrarathne and Edited

by Indeewara Thilakarathne

I looked around to see whether there was someone around while swallowing the pill. I saw Ratnaweera quickly coming along the corridor as I put stealthily the bottle with the label 'Hair, Skin, Nails Formula' in the briefcase. I, once again, took the glass of water onto the hand as I felt the capsule entangled in the throat.

Since a couple of days, I felt a pain under my nails, fingers and toes. In the night the pain became intensified. This prompted me to carefully examine the toes. Then, I noticed the nails in two or three fingers had been disfigured and propped up. The nails were thickened in the two baby fingers. They were fearfully drawn apart.

My shattered soul was further shaken up. I feared losing myself. A strange sense of defeat engulfed my body and soul. Am I being deprived of myself? I have no idea, inclination or willingness to tell anyone about this. But it causes me pain as a thorn in the eye or as a decayed tooth. Once I thought of getting away from this situation at least for a couple of days. But is it plausible? How important have I become in the university and in society? What a pain and hardship that I endured during the past sixty years to reach this pinnacle? When I entered the fray to reach this target I had a strong will that enabled me even to sacrifice my flesh and blood. Those sacrifices included sacrificing blood and soul. I say so because one becoming a willing sex victim to satisfy one's sexual urges considers a meritorious act. By now, even this situation has changed. If people are ageing completely, this situation would not arise. But when the body decays the mind would also be affected by it. The problem lies there. I think this is the most unfortunate situation that the Almighty God forgot when he created the world.

It was a consolation for me to see Ratnaweera who smiled through the door ajar and walked away. The students had organised a farewell party, tomorrow, for Ratnaweera who retired from the university. I contributed an article for 'Ratnaweera Upahara grantaya', (Ratnaweera's felicitation volume).

Whenever I was reminded of Ratnaweera's departure, I was afraid of myself. By the end of the next year, I should leave the university. I saw this nightmare even in sleep. The shock of the nightmare remained for a long time even after being awoken. Ratnaweera's face betrayed not even a shadow of such a shock or repentance. Perhaps, he would have purposely suppressed it. But Ratnaweera is not pretentious. He says that he is attempting to develop 'Samprajanaya' (Presence of mind). He believed 'tranquility can be brought about by keeping concentration in day-to-day life'. But can he say that I have not been working without concentration? If I have, how could I reach this pinnacle overcoming mountainous obstacles? In an era, when nothing is offered on a plate, how could one reach a strategic position in many fields through sharp observation and activities? But according to Ratnaweera's ideas, one can understand something not by observation but by looking into oneself. I can't understand this riddle at all. For me, his idea that one should be deeply involved in the problem to solve it is incomprehensible. To describe such an understanding he used the Buddhist term 'Advaita' (Non duality).

"Siri, would you blame the tender mango tree when a plant doesn't grow properly after planting a mango seed? ", Ratnaweera asked after learning of Prabuddha's wedding.

"It needs water and light in right proportions and blaming the plant disregarding those factors is of no use! This applies to children as well"

I fixed my gaze on Ratnaweera's face. As usual, I did not strongly resist.

"Did you read a newspaper report about a son who killed his mother?" he asked me.

"It is easy for us to brand him 'a criminal' but no one knows how the mother brought him up?"

A shudder went through my heart. I was in Ratnaweera's large library, looking at the books stacked on the shelves. They were on different philosophies including Buddhism. I was surprised at the academic wealth that Ratnaweera had possessed. I considered him a nihilist who could not earn or possessed.

I, once again, examined my nails after removing the slippers. It seemed that the protein capsules I swallowed throughout the month had little effect. I was afraid that my flesh and blood may become rotten. I was reminded, again, of being deprived of myself. It was Amritha who brought me a new summer when the summer of life was fading away. Had I ever paid attention to some of the areas that she tried to show me?

"I would like to do my dissertation on 'prostitution'', one day she told me. I looked at her through the spectacle as I was reading an academic paper in the library. I thought that the book Amritha held in her hand was an encyclopedia because of its red cover.

"Sir, isn't it good?"

"Not bad", I said but with hesitation.

"This Encyclopedia describes Prostitution from four points of view. But Freud's analysis is that any girl would become a prostitute if she could not satisfy sexual urges in childhood!" she said again.

"Then..."

"Sir, is it true?"

I fixed my gaze on this stubborn girl who tried to challenge even Freud. At the same time, I thought this girl had entered the university due to clerical blunder. I felt I could neither accept it nor reject it.

"Sir, I think that Freudian psycho-analysis is not valid for Sri Lankan prostitutes. ", Amritha said without hesitation.

"Sir, do you know that I have met girls who had entered prostitution while being virgins?"

"What?"

"I said so because of their mentality. Sir, do you know how many of them have I interviewed. I am in a room in Gunasinghepura"

"Is it true?"

"Yes, Sir"

"There is a reference to 'The Sacred Prostitute' which is also associated with what I said", I said smiling to show my memory and erudition.

"In Sumerian the word 'nun' can be translated as The Sacred Prostitute", I said again.

"Sacred Prostitution is considered a part of marriage. In Indian Hindu temples, prostitutes are called- 'Devadassi', Sacred Prostitutes who had totally dedicated themselves to the service of God and this practice was in existence even in Western Asia and Greece. Those days, women joined prostitution on behalf of the goddess Venus in Mailita.

"Sir, I don't know", Amritha said while reading a book.

"Someone should examine whether the Freud's three stages of sexual gratification would be applicable to the prostitutes in Sri Lanka?"

"Yes, an experienced sociologist can do it...."

"I take issue with the words 'Scientist' and 'Science", Amritha said looking straight into my face. "

"An issue?"

"Yes, isn't what we call 'Science' entirely Western?"

A smile appeared on my face as I took a while to think of an answer. But I could not come out with an answer.

"Sir, I have a lot of issues on everything",

I suddenly sensed how close Amritha was to me. Now I could feel her breathing on my fingers that turned on the pages of the book. I remained like a statue of stone. I felt she slowly turned on the pages of the book 'Relativism' that I was reading. But as usual, I had no inclination to grab Amritha's hand.

"This book describes how the family life in Greece had helped foster prostitution at an early stage..." I said as the silence was so oppressive.

"No prominent place had been given either to marriage, love or sexual relationships in that country. Even Aristotle has described the relationship between husband and wife and not love or intimacies"

The depressive silence spread on. I felt a strange sense that could be hardly turned into words. A beautiful girl almost touching me; we spoke on sex; but I still remained a stone statue!

"Sir, do you respect Einstein a lot?" Amritha asked, after a while with a smile. I looked into her face to find out whether there was a mystery in her smile.

"Sir, haven't you delivered a lecture without Einstein and Freud?"

"Amritha, why have you come out with that?"

"No, I just thought of it."

"It cannot be just thinking!"

For a moment, Amritha was engaged in deep thoughts. Then she raised her voice with a challenging tone: Sir, have you also committed to memory what Einstein said on the Buddha and his many other remarks? "

A shock ran through me. I thought anger was also mixed with to some extent. Holding the tenth volume of the Sinhalese Encyclopedia, she turned the page in which intellectuals spoke on the Buddha and read out the passage under the heading 'Universal Religion', a statement Einstein made:

"The religion of the future will be a cosmic religion. It should transcend personal God and avoid dogma and theology. Covering both the natural and the spiritual, it should be based on a religious sense arising from the experience of all things natural and spiritual as a meaningful unity. Buddhism answers this description. If there is any religion that could cope with modern scientific needs it would be Buddhism."

"I have read this..." I said with reluctance. Amritha, once again, looked straight into my eyes.

"But Sir, you have not memorised it...!"

My anger came out in the form of a smile.

"Amritha is a good Sinhalese Buddhist woman, that's why you notice all these ", I said smiling.

"How far has Buddhism integrated into Theravada Buddhist's life? How many crimes are being committed in this country where Buddhist sermons are delivered from morn to evening?" later, I asked to defeat her argument. After such a long time, was I prompted to think about what Amritha came out with after looking straight into my eyes?

"Sir, listening to sermons is of no use. There is a saying that dog doesn't wear garments even if they are very cheap. "