Unwritten rules of conversation

When you fall into a man’s conversation, the first thing you should consider is, whether he has a greater inclination to hear you, or that you should hear him.

- Sir Richard Steele

Have we ever imagined that there are unwritten rules of conversation? Unlike debates and formal speeches, conversations between friends and colleagues flow freely and nobody would have ever thought that there are unwritten rules they should follow. In a complex world, there seems to be some necessity for such rules even for spontaneous conversations.

A conversation usually takes place between two people. In many instances, one person speaks at a time and the other listens to him. Of course, we can have a conversation among more than two people. But for convenience, let us envisage a conversation between two people.

In a typical conversation, one person talks and the other might say, “um... hmm” and nod his head while listening. Without such signs on the part of the listener, the conversation cannot go on. If the listener does not follow the speaker’s train of thought, he becomes a poor listener and the conversation will end abruptly.

Telephone conversation

The time taken by the speaker can vary. Some people keep on talking without allowing the other person to say anything. This can happen even in a telephone conversation. Sometimes, we have to interrupt the speaker somewhat rudely to tell what we want.

We often open conversations in different ways. For instance, we address somebody, “Hi, Roger. How are you?” Or we can request information by asking, “May I know the time, please?” With some people, we offer information, “Are you looking for somebody?” With these questions, we draw the listener’s attention to start a conversation.

On rare occasions, we may fail to start a conversation with a stranger.

On the express train to Batticaloa, a young man stopped at the seat of a tourist reading a newspaper.

“Can I have a look at your paper?” he asked.

“Can’t you buy a paper?” the tourist answered him with another question.

Not to be outdone, the young man said, “Look here, Sir, I made a polite request to read the paper and to talk to you. I never expected such a rude reply.”

The tourist looked at him, smiled, and said, “Very well, sit down and read the paper. Ask me anything you want.”

Friends

Then they had a long conversation about his country, language, culture and what not. In such a conversation, one thing leads to another. Sometimes, at the end of the conversation, we become life-long friends.

We start a conversation, continue it for some time and close it. However, we cannot close a conversation abruptly because it is rude to do so. Schegloff and Sacks, who did a lot of research on conversations, suggest that one way to end a conversation is to present a pre-closing statement such as “Well... so...okay” which signals a readiness to end the conversation. The listener too may accept the speaker’s willingness to end the conversation.

Sometimes, we find it difficult to put an end to the conversation when the speaker keeps on talking. On such occasions, the listener can say, “Excuse me, I have another meeting.” If it is a telephone conversation, the listener can say, “I have some visitors” or “There’s a call on the other line. Can I call you back?” These are polite ways of ending a conversation.

Implicit rules

Conversations become complicated when there are more than two people present. On such occasions, there are implicit rules that demand that those present should take turns during the conversation. According to one such unwritten rule, the current speaker selects the next speaker.

This is done by directing a question at him. When this rule is not applied, another person will speak up voluntarily.

The unwritten rules help organise the conversation. Non-verbal behaviour between partners will also facilitate orderly transition from one speaker to another. However, we still have a great deal to learn about the unwritten rules of conversation.