Guilt! Guilt! Guilt!:

Forget it once to remember forever

by Aditha Dissanayake

"It takes so little to make a woman happy. Just think about it. A simple gesture like remembering her birthday can bring a lump to her throat and touch a chord. If only most men would understand this instead of joking about it with jibes like "the only way to remember a woman's birthday is to forget it once," leaving the rest to one's imagination about what might have followed, a cold war perhaps or a free-for-all slanging match."writes Sudha Umashanker in "Birthday Blues".

Many women would agree with her because most men keep forgetting their wife's or girlfriend's birthdays even after they keep dropping hints about the special day ahead. They feel fuel is added to the fire when the man asks what's the big deal about forgetting a birthday? What men don't seem to understand is that even though no woman is ever happy with her weight, her hair and her age, she does wish to be treated like a goddess or a queen on her birthday.

" I like it when my family and friends buy me presents on my birthday" says Indrani, the Director of an IT company. "Who doesn't? I'm showered with attention, and I feel that at least on one day of the year I get the warship I deserve". She also likes the fact that on her birthday she is not required to make kiribath in the morning (her husband does it on her birthday) plan a party, shop for gifts and post birthday cards.

"Having someone else do it for me is exhilarating, and having someone else do it for me because they want to make me happy is incredible".

Yet, for every Indrani, there is also someone out there who would rather forget her birthday. To Kamalika, (name changed) with only two years to go before retirement, its just another notch on her bedpost and no big deal. " I'd be happy if my birthday came and went and no one noticed it".

Women, who do mind about celebrating their birthdays, nevertheless say they are willing to forgive their husbands even when they forget, (because to err is human, to forgive is divine). "If he is really mad about you - you don't have to punish him" says Dilshani "he will feel so bad himself".

What do men have to say on this issue? "I have never forgotten my wife's birthday" says Prasanna. "You have only one wife, so how can you forget her birthday" he asks. Others say birthdays are not important because you should not confine yourself to a single day of the year to show you care or to do something extra for them. "If you think someone is special why wait till its their birthday?" asks Sandeepa.

According to Umashanker, Dr. Prithika Chary, consultant neurosurgeon and neurologist, Apollo Hospitals, says "Men forgetting birthdays is not intentional. Women get more emotional about these things. Men are also less demonstrative and in all fairness to them a bit shy.

Men's brains work differently; they are not sensitive to facial expressions and other cues. It all boils down to certain physiological and psychological aspects translating into traits." She offers one tip to women "If you want something from a man, you have to ask for it."

To quote Umashanker, with the advent of Internet, it's not uncommon to have friends sending requests for Plaxo cards to be updated and birthdays to be punched in to help them remember. Why, there has even been a recent survey in Canada by Decima Research Inc on the subject and the results show that `men were more likely to forget a loved one's birthday (40 per cent men and 27 per cent women) and then make excuses for having done so.'

Could this also have something to do with the differences between one generation and another? Everything seems to be more open with the liberal minded present generation, while the older generation is much more conservative when it comes to showing affection and celebrating special days. Sixty five year old Joyce says she never remembered her husband's birthday and he never remembered hers. "In our time no one celebrated their birthdays. Most people of my youth often didn't remember their own birthdays much less someone else's".

But when it comes to men and forgetting birthdays Umashanker has the last word "Men forget everything unlike women who remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports.

They have already forgotten what has happened!"