Where are your manners?

Katherine David on impolite society

Bad manners: they are a greater threat to society than bird flu. Rudeness, highly infectious, is spreading like wildfire. The thank-you letter is all but dead. Standing up when a woman comes into the room is a rare occurrence.

Even if the RSVP is ignored unless the guest is ringing up to find out who else is coming to dinner. Arriving at a party with a gaggle of uninvited guests - or not turning up at all-raises no more than a shrug of the shoulders. And, short of installing bouncers on their doorsteps, hosts are powerless to act.

Take the good old-fashioned dinner party. One friend drops out in the morning, citing a forgotten alternative arrangement. Another sends a text message after lunch, claiming she's just exhausted after a morning's shopping. Two more simply don't show. Being branded a flake used to be shameful; now it's a badge of cool.

The demise of the RSVP means that a place must be laid for a handful of guests who may eventually decide to show up after all. Some guests arrive so late that you can't change the placement, but if they don't like who they are seated next to, they will simply choose to ignore them.

Guests well versed in the art of blanking often display particular skill at turning their backs on their neighbours and conversing in an animated fashion with anybody else who will listen. Or they might be spotted sliding out the front door before the main course has even been served, in the hopes that they will be treated more agreeably at the next party.

While the advantage of a lunch or dinner party is that it ends soon after the meal is over, guests who come for the weekend allow no such luxury. They will say they are coming on a Friday evening in time for dinner but they'll actually arrive closer to midnight-with a large number of unexpected children and dogs.

Then they'll tell you they are on some faddy diet, which calls for a major menu rethink. They'll smoke in the guestroom and their puggle (half paug, half beagle) will yap and howl until it is given its own bedroom and a supply of bottled water.

You might assume that you can prevent these weekend-wasters from ever darkening your towels again. But you will discover soon enough that your friends no longer wait for an invitation - they simply invite themselves. And you, as the host, will have no choice but to acquiesce. After all not to do will be rude.