Saying 'NO' to a male acquaintance!

by Panchamee Hewavissenti

Greatest danger of rape or sexual harassment comes not from strangers but from close acquaintances. It doesn't necessarily have to be a rape, it can be aversive physical harassment which a woman dislikes and doesn't expect from a man she gets on with.

If a stranger indulges in such unpermissiable behaviour, a woman can easily enough say 'No' firmly. But, what if it's from a close acquaintance or a person she gets on with? Can a woman say 'No' firmly to that person? It's bit difficult. But, it doesn't mean that a woman has to comply with the man's suggestions. She should evade the issue in a wiser way.

If the woman is unable to solve the problem by herself she can always get help from one of her close friends or an elderly person. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

As I said earlier, when a woman has to face sexual harassment, how big or little the embarrassment is, she should try to avoid circumstances which may recur as much as possible without encouraging a man to do it further.

Sexual harassment may come in the form of verbal and physical harassment. At work place women may have to face dirty jokes. When someone cracks a dirty joke which may cause a woman to feel unhappy or upset that is also a form of sexual harassment. A woman can avoid such situations by getting away from the place of the discussion.

A woman should be aware of her rights regarding sexual harassment. Harassing a woman verbally or physically can be offensible. A woman has the right to set limits and communicate those limits with men clearly, firmly and promptly. A woman should say 'NO', when they mean 'NO', it can never be 'yes'.

When someone tries to persuade a woman to engage in activity that she doesn't like at all, a woman should be assertive. If the woman tries to avoid it by keeping quiet, they should also know that men may interpret her passivity or silence as permission. It's always better to say 'No' strictly, without giving equivocal meanings to the man. He will pursue his interest in the woman further.

Women have to be really careful and mindful at times when they feel insecure or at risk. When a woman dresses provocatively perhaps men may interpret the dress code as sexually provocative and think that those who wear these kinds of dresses are "easily available women". Some men tend to think that certain dress codes even convey flirtatious behaviour, an invitation to sex.

The word should be understood as a firm 'No' and not an invitation to continue. When a close acquaintance suggest an unpleasant behaviour with a woman he gets on with, as I said it's hard for the woman to say 'No' directly.

When a woman says 'No' directly, a men thinks that she doesn't like the person at all. Men should know that a woman who says 'No' is not rejecting them but rejecting a 'specific act with the person'.

I recently met a fifteen year old girl who is attending one of the leading Convent schools in Colombo. She said that she met a guy at a party who is thirty years old and married.

They have become very good friends and the guy has come to pick her up from her class several times. She said, he tried to persuade her in a different way in the car which she disliked, and she has shown her dissatisfaction to the particular act. She said that she doesn't like his behaviour, but still she needs him as a good friend, and doesn't want to lose him.

She raised a question to me at the end of our discussion that why can't a man get on with a girl as friend, why do all the men always need to go beyond 'friendship' and make women unhappy.

Women shouldn't be hesitant to refuse such suggestions or behaviour. If a woman lets the person do whatever the man wants to do, women must realise that it will harm their reputation.

If a woman wants to comply with man's suggestions, lest she would lose the touch with him, later the woman will be regarded as a disreputable woman. What is most important for a woman is not social status, financial stability or the number of rich friends she has, but a good character as a woman. Above all, she should think of womanhood more seriously.

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