Learn the art of self-disclosure

All of us have parents, brothers, sisters, relatives, friends and well-wishers. At one time or another, we feel the need of unburdening our minds by revealing our secrets or sharing our thoughts. The information we want to convey does not have to be a deeply hidden secret but it may be so. Over the years psychologists have paid close attention to this subject technically known as 'self-disclosure'. It simply means the voluntary act of verbally communicating about yourself to another person.

We self-disclose at different levels with different people. For instance, most children do not tell everything to their parents. They confide their little secrets in trustworthy friends.

All sensible people like to share their private information with those they trust. Psychologists believe that self-disclosure is important to adjust and streamline our lives. Most of us have fears and problems related to employment, marriage and health. When we share them with others our level of stress comes down. What is more, sharing of emotional problems leads to feelings of closeness. However, everything depends on close relationships built with those with some degree of understanding and empathy.

Risk of disclosure

Young people in love tend to self-disclose at the early stages of courtship. This helps both individuals to understand each other.

However, there is a great risk of disclosing private information to others. Once you disclose your intimate secrets to another person, you become vulnerable to him. As a result, it is possible that the other person may reject you or divulge your secrets to another person.

Psychologists advise us to follow the strategy of gradual self-disclosure. It is always safer to wade into deep water rather than plunging right in. Intelligent people disclose their secrets gradually while observing the reaction of the other. Although there are exceptions, most relationships develop on these lines.

Most of us are quite capable of distinguishing between superficial and intimate relationships. For instance, we maintain a superficial relationship with our colleagues. However, we build an intimate relationship with trustworthy friends. Even among your friends there may be people with 'loose lips'. If you disclose your intimate secrets to one of them, you run the risk of becoming a laughing stock. Therefore, it is advisable to pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues before you come out with intimate secrets. When you reveal a secret, see whether the other person too does something similar. If he does so, you can go ahead. Some crafty people will listen to your secrets without divulging theirs.

Body language

Body language plays a major role in interpersonal communication. Therefore, be aware of non-verbal messages including 'stop' cues. If your listener is not interested in your disclosure, he will reduce eye contact and display a puzzled look on his face. If both of you are seated, your listener will turn his body away from you. In case both of you are standing, he may increase the distance between you and him.

A listener who is genuinely interested in your disclosure can be identified easily. According to body language experts, a keen listener will lean his body forward and maintain eye contact. He will also communicate his interest in the speaker by using non-verbal cues. He will not cross his hands and legs signalling defensiveness. A good listener will also nod his head in agreement with what you say.

A high level of mutual self-disclosure occurs usually at the beginning of a romantic relationship. During the courtship the couple will have a load of information to exchange. However, when the relationship is well established through engagement or marriage, the level of self-disclosure begins to taper off. Weakness

Research shows that females tend to disclose their secrets more than males. Sometimes, two female friends tend to exchange their intimate secrets more than two male friends. Normally, men think that self-disclosure is a form of weakness. It is strange but true that most males tend to self-disclose with strangers. However, females are cautious in dealing with strangers. In fact, there is a traditional belief that males should initiate a relationship with a female. It is the female's role to encourage the male to talk.

If you wish to unburden yourself emotionally, you need a listener. But in this hurly-burly world, good listeners are hard to come by. Most of the people you meet are in a hurry to go somewhere or do something. Even the few listeners you find get bored easily and become inattentive. If you find an attentive listener, you can make a clean breast of yourself and lead a harmonious life.