Beat that bad mood

by Lionel Wijesiri

They used to say that Sanath and Udeni symbolised the perfect couple. They were married four years ago and seem to be having a good time.

They loved each other because everything around them willed it. Now that they have two cute children, they are just starting to build up their adorable family unit.

But something happens a few weeks before. Apathetic, even aggressive feelings between them start spoiling the positive aspects of their relationship.

The couple’s fighting leads nowhere, because their problem - the wife’s sad, lethargic mood - is not what they are talking about. Until they understand why she feels this way, their discussion will remain futile.

One Saturday morning, after some soul-searching, Udeni realises why she is unhappy. She has not received a hoped-for secretary’s nomination to the PTA of her daughter’s school. But she acknowledges, too, that she never really wanted the post.

“I just wanted the honour of being chosen,” she tells her husband. Further self-examination leads Udeni to a realisation that she sought the nomination mainly a compensation for the attention she thought she isn’t getting from her spouse.

By trying to understand her feelings, by admitting to herself where they came from, Udeni has just taken her first step toward managing her moods.

And she has learned two important things: that there was a reason for the way she felt (moods don’t occur out of the blue),and that unless she got control of her mood, it would control her.

Probe

Udeni is no different from the rest of us. We all have moods. And it is essential to our success and happiness that we learn to manage them. Indeed, nothing influences our lives as much as our moods - as the way we feel.

Whenever possible, then, try to identify your moods. Being absorbed in your work, for example, or taking pleasure in physical exertion - these are positive feelings. Most people don’t pay much attention to such feelings. They should!

Negative feelings are a different matter. When you’re in a bad mood, try to characterise it. Sit down in a quiet room, close your eyes, and let your mind go blank for a few minutes.

Then concentrate on your feelings. Ask yourself, “What is it that I am feeling? Am I snippy or short-tempered, weepy, dissatisfied with myself?” Write down the adjectives that best describe the way you feel, and try to group them under one general mood, such as angry, hurt, and guilt.

Now probe. What is going on inside you? Have you felt like this before? What caused similar bad feelings? What could you do now that would make you feel better with yourself?

No matter what we call them, most of our bad moods are merely manifestations of certain basic feelings, particularly, hurt, anger and guilt.

Hurt

People feel hurt when they lose something - friendship, a loved one, self-esteem. When you feel hurt, try to understand what it is that you have lost. What did the loss mean to you? What needs did it fill? Where can you now have those needs taken care of?

What should you do when you feel hurt and know who hurt you? If possible, approach the person face-to-face and tell him that he hurt you, how he hurt you, and exactly why you feel this way. If they are not directed at the person who caused them - as they should be - they will find expression wherever they can. Often this happens in the wrong place at the wrong time, as when a wife breaks dishes in the kitchen instead of telling her husband what she really thinks at the dinner table.

Anxiety

People get anxious when they are afraid of being hurt or of losing something. If you feel anxious, try to pinpoint what it is you are afraid of losing - whether it is the love or attention of other people, your control over a situation or yourself, or your self- esteem and worth as a person. See what help you can get to prevent the loss or to prepare for it.

Don’t push it aside because it is too frightening to think about; avoiding things you fear only makes them more entrenched and difficult to manage.

Anger

People generally get angry when they are hurt. When you are angry, ask yourself, “Who hurt me? How? What did I say to the person? What did I want to say? Why didn’t I say it?”

Anger, like hurt, should be handled immediately and directly. If someone makes you angry, tell him so right away. Most people will be apologetic and will want to remain friends. If anger is long submerged, it is difficult to express appropriately, because its sources have been buried for so long they are all but impossible to recognise.

Guilt

When a person feels anger toward himself, he feels guilty and generally to blame for everything that’s wrong. For example, he may think he has disappointed others by falling short of their expectations.

He may even be secretly angry at others for expecting so much of him, even if he feels too worthless to speak out on his own behalf.

How do you deal with guilt? If you remember that most guilt comes from suppressed anger and that anger comes from being hurt, the solution should be found in understanding the hurt and what caused it, and permitting the anger to be.

All feelings, especially unpleasant ones, have to run their natural course. This takes big amount of emotional energy - something we do not have an unlimited supply of. If we use this emotional energy to vigorously push away unpleasant feelings, we will have more than enough energy left for life itself.