|
|
|
| Sunday, 18 December 2005 |
 |
|
 |
Magazine |  |
| News Business Features Editorial
|
Fading light I sat there fidgeting nervously. I was wondering about the times to come. I looked out of the window and saw a storm building up. I was called in by him. His face looked forlorn. He handed me the papers with a solemn expression on his face. As I read the papers I felt confused.
"Doctor, what is myelofibrosis? what will happen to me?" "Myelofibrosis is a disease in which your bone marrow cannot release new cells because it is blocked by fibrous tissues. It will result in certain death." I felt as if my whole world was falling apart. "Are you sure this is my report?" Deep down I was hoping it was wrong. I was dreading for an answer. "There is no mistakes." "What if the result are wrong? what if your diagnosis is wrong?" "We have carried out all the investigations, including a bone marrow biopsy, to make sure that the results are right. It all shows that you have myelofibrosis." Isn't there any cure for this, doctor?" "No, not really. We could take such measures like blood transfusions and even chemotherapy and radiotherapy. These won't cure you perfectly." I am sorry. It's just that I have had so many dreams that have to be fulfilled. It feels as if the whole world is on my shoulders." The doctor released a long sigh. "Doctor, how long have I got?" "Well, I can't guarantee you anything but there are patients who have survived for more than ten years. If you're lucky, you will be able to live for about ten years. Let us hope so." Face What could I tell my children? How could I make myself ready to face this? How? a tear rolled down my cheek. "Thank you." "Get well soon" "How could you say that? You know very well that I will die and you say 'get well soon?' How ridiculous is that?" "Oh doctor. You don't understand. This is so frustrating. I apologize for my sudden outburst." "I understand." I was helpless. And I reached home. "Hi, I am back!" I put on a fake smile and greeted my children. They stared at me for I was soaked to the bone. "What's up, mom?" "I didn't have an umbrella." They didn't see my tear-stained face because my face was wet. As I looked at their innocent faces, I pondered. Should I tell my children, Dilini and Ishara, about this? They have a right to know. But after I tell them, their smiles will vanish from their faces. Treat "Ishara, Dilini, I'll be in my room-ok? Don't make a mess, please. If you are hungry just call me. I'll prepare your snack at that time. Would you like a treat today like home-made chips, sausages and a salad?" "Yeah, definitely." "Fine then, your wish is my command." Will it be right to tell about this to Sachin, my husband? Shouldn't I share my burden with someone? Then wouldn't I be selfish? How could I give pain to him? What could I do? Sooner or later he'll find out. If he asks me why I didn't tell him, how would I answer him? Yet, how could I bring myself together to tell him a dark secret? I won't. I have ten more years. I want to see my family happy and smiling. I want to be with them in their moments of happiness and sadness, surprise and humility. I don't want them to be sad because of me. I have to be there for all of them. I have to guide my two daughters in every step they take and I have to give Sachin hope in helpless times at least for ten years. If only I could see one of my daughters becoming twenty one years old. If only. If only I could live longer. I cried with anger and agony. I heard a knock on the door. I went to the mirror, wiped my tears, put on a fake smile and opened the door. "Mom, we are hungry." "Dinner will be ready soon," and I went to the kitchen. While I was doing all chores I looked at my two daughters. So much was in store for them. Was I ruining their life by not telling them about me? Their life seemed to be like a world of fantasy. My life was a hassle. This night was an unforgettable night to me. Pain I spent all of my time on my children and husband. I did my best. One day, I had a severe pain in my stomach. I decided to go and meet the doctor once again and that was after five months. "So you are back, Mrs. Perera? Do you feel better now?" "Actually doctor, I have been having a terrible ache in my stomach." "Where exactly does it hurt?" "Um... mostly in the upper abdomen." After examining me, the doctor's face had a grave expression. "I believe we will have to do an abdominal scan." "Why?" I asked confused. "I can't say yet, but I think your spleen has enlarged." "I am willing to do anything as long as I am able to live for ten years. Doctor, if chemotherapy doesn't work, for how long can I live?" "Maybe for three years or less." "You mean ten years of my life is reduced to three?" I screamed out. "If that is the choice available, then, yes I want to undergo chemotherapy." "I have already warned you that you will have to suffer the consequences in doing so." "Yes, you have, just don't give me any details. I'm scared that it might discourage me." "No problem." I can't hide this from my family any more. Now is the right time to tell them about the matter. I took in a deep breathe, made up my mind that I will face anything and I left the clinic with determination to tell my family about this. While I was at home I thought about how I was going to tell my family about the matter. When Sachin arrived, I called him, Dilini and Ishara to the hall. "I have something to tell all of you. Please, I beg you, don't ask me why I didn't tell you this before. Please, don't hate me for not telling you this before. Can you promise me that?" "What's wrong, honey?" Sachin asked. First I urged them to promise me and they did. "You know that I've been going to the doctor." I took a deep breath. "I've been diagnosed with myelofibrosis. You would't know what it is and neither do I except that it is a rare blood disease which will kill me. There I said it." "When did you get to know this," Sachin asked." "About five months ago. I was told that I will be able to live for ten years but today, a scan report assured the doctor that I will only be able to live for less than three years," Tears rolled down my face. "No, there isn't. Since my spleen is enlarged." "So what were you saying about the spleen, mom? Please continue." Ishara said. "Yes. Since my spleen is enlarged, the doctor has given me the chance to undergo chemotherapy." "Mom, how could you do this? Are you so selfish? You only thought about you. That is why you didn't tell us about this earlier." "Dilini" You loved us so much that you didn't want us to feel any pain. I love you." "Me too," Ishara said. "Honey, we will be there for you. No matter what happens we will be next to you. I love you so much!" And that night, we huddled up and cried together as one family. Ready One week later, I was ready to face chemotherapy. I went to the hospital. Everything was ready for my treatment. They informed me that I had to get admitted to the hospital as I had to stay overnight. After the treatment, I was thinking about my children. Had they eaten a proper meal? Were they feeling scared? Were they feeling sad and lonely? I thought about Sachin. Was he wondering like me? Did he feel frightened about me? This was the first time I had separated from my family. I felt so lonely and lost in this huge hospital. I was helpless. The next day I was able to go home. Sachin had prepared one of my favourite dishes. But I couldn't eat it. Even as I tried to eat a piece of bread I was disgusted. I had lost my appetite. I was told by the oncologist that I would experience this so I didn't alarm myself. The following day, I kept vomiting repeatedly. These were all side effects of chemotherapy. Yet, I was totally stressed out when my hair started to fall off. If I went to the bathroom, my hair would fall off. If I was on my bed, my hair would be present on the pillows. My hair used to be perfectly healthy but now it kept breaking. Still, I was determined to do anything to live. Treatment I went for my next treatment. Day by day, I lost my appetite. I kept vomiting and losing hair. I became frustrated as I continued going for my treatment. I screamed at my husband for the slightest thing he did. I scolded my children almost everyday. I realised that chemotherapy was not going to be successful as day by day the pain grew intolerable, but chemotherapy was definitely affecting my family life. In my last days I wanted to be happy with my family. I decided to end chemotherapy. Besides the real meaning to my life was to be happy with my family. At the end, I was almost bald. I apologised from my family for screaming at them. Once more we were cheerful. Throughout the days I stayed at home, all my relations came to see me. We had a nice time. We recalled our past memories, how we were mischievous and how we joked together in the old days. I was nice to be with them once again, especially since it was the last time I got to meet them. I was really happy. I guess my last days were the best days of my life. One day I started to vomit blood. Sachin admitted me to the hospital. He held my hand while my daughters clung onto my other hand all the way to the hospital. My bleeding never stopped. I realised I was going to die very soon. I spoke to my daughters and to Sachin. I asked them to tell me of all the nice times we had together. I asked Dilini and Ishara not to trouble their father too much. I told them my wish was to give an alms-giving on their twenty-first birthdays and asked them to try and fulfil it. I told them not to fight over anything and always to share. I said that if they ever wanted someone to talk I will be there, in their hearts forever. All I asked Sachin was to look after our children and for him to be happy. I knew it was a great responsibility but he had to do it. I told them that I loved them so much that no one could deny it. I hid my tears from them. Then I gradually closed by eyelids and the light in front of me faded and faded away. by Maduka Jayasinghe, Lyceum International School, Nugegoda. |
|
| News | Business | Features
| Editorial | Security
| Politics | Produced by Lake House |
"Mrs.
Perera through investigations we've found the reasons for your extreme
exhaustion. You are diagnosed with a rare blood diseases-myelofibrosis.
There is no permanent cure for this disease. I am sorry?." 
