How to make small talk-naturally

by Marion Winik

Have you ever lingered in your car or lurked in the ladies' room or stared intently at your plate - anything rather than (scary music here) talk to people you don't know at a party? Sparkling repartee doesn't come easily to all of us, and the fear of seeming fake or being labeled a bore makes it even harder to click into banter mode.

Or maybe you hate the thought of getting stuck with some blowhard whose conversational agenda boils down to "Hi! Are you as interesting as I am? Nah, I didn't think so." But the thing is, making chitchat lets us create connections of all kinds - it's how we open doors that change our lives. And it's a way to give and receive a little dose of human warmth. Read on for the smart (and angst-free) way to get the words flowing.

STEP 1: Make the first move.
"Initiating the conversation gets your adrenaline pumping, which helps erase your anxiety," explains Debra Fine, author of The Fine Art of Small Talk. Choose a person who seems approachable; someone standing by themselves is a good bet, Fine says. Then just look her in the eye, smile, and say, "Hi, I'm Kathy. What's your name?" (That very slight emphasis on "your" will engage her.)

As soon as she gives her name, repeat it: "Nice to meet you, Jill." This helps lock her name into your memory - and, just as important, it also creates a bond between you two.

If you later find that you've forgotten what to call her, fess up immediately, as in, "Gosh, I'm sorry, can you remind me of your name?" It won't be nearly as tough as you think, and remember: The longer you pretend to know, the more embarrassing it gets to admit you don't.

STEP 2: Start off with what you share.

Your simplest gambit is to inquire about the person's connection to the event.

"Something as easy as 'How do you know Mike and Beth?' is a great conversation starter because it's an open-ended question - it can't be answered with one word," notes Fine.

Or, try an observation followed by a question: "This restaurant sure does great birthday parties. Ever been here before?" And since flattery usually does get you somewhere, you could give a compliment followed by a question: "The baby carrier you gave Marla is cool.

Where'd you find it?"

STEP 3: Play detective.

Let's say you opened with, "How are you doing with all this rain?" To move from this surface chitchat to a deeper dialogue, listen for any word in the other person's reply that might suggest a conversational direction, advises Leil Lowndes, author of Goodbye to Shy. A few examples:

HER: "Oh, I don't mind the rain. It's good for the plants."

YOU: "Are you a gardener?"

HER: "If I wanted this much rain, I'd live in Seattle!"

YOU: "Have you been to Seattle?"

HER: "I haven't been able to take the dog on a decent walk in a week." YOU: "I have a miniature dachshund named Beau. Tell me about your dog."

STEP 4: Open up ... within limits.

Don't keep firing out questions, says Susan RoAne, author of How to Work a Room; people will feel like they're being interrogated. Rather, reveal some information about yourself while respecting the comfort level of a new acquaintance. "I'm fine - considering that my husband walked out on me last week" is probably a little too much information.

Ditto for "No drink for me. I'm on antibiotics for a yeast infection." Health (yours or theirs), money, religion, and politics are all bad bets.On the other hand, just about anything you find curious or interesting probably will work to keep things rolling.

Fine was on her way to a large dinner when she heard a radio story about a survey that asked people to choose between two superpowers: Would they rather fly or have the power to turn invisible? "I brought it up during the first awkward silence at my table," she recalls, "and just as in the study, men preferred flight, women invisibility. But the main thing was, all my tablemates started chattering like magpies."

STEP 5: Listen out loud.

Visual cues that you're listening, such as eye contact and nodding, are not enough to communicate enthusiasm. Use verbal cues ("Uh-huh, mmm-hmm," or "Oh, you're kidding! She didn't!") to let the person know you're paying attention.

The more positive feedback you give, the more others will enjoy speaking to you. Put your heart into it, and you'll be amazed at how a little "small talk" can quickly lead to a big connection.

4 Ways to Ditch a Windbag

Ever hesitate to begin a conversation because you fear you'll never be able to end it? Fine suggests these graceful ways to get by.

Give Warning

I want to hear about your cruise, but I also want to be sure to talk to Jenna before she leaves." If the conversation shows no sign of winding down, let the person know your time is running out.

Show Appreciation

"I'm so glad to have heard about your trip - you've inspired me to plan my next vacation. Nice talking to you." You'll feel less guilty about closing the conversation if you say something positive. And the chatterbox will be more gracious about letting you go if you pave the way with some flattery.

Explain Your Next Move

"I need to go to the ladies' room/call my babysitter/catch Jenna." Just make sure you do what you say, warns Fine. Don't let the person see you were just making an excuse!

Play Host

"Come with me - I'd like to introduce you to Jenna/hit the bar/meet the guest of honor." Whether your conversational partner agrees to join you or not, this tactic makes her feel included - even as you're giving her the slip.