Baby-sitting: Grandparents' favourite pastime?

by Samangie Wettimuny

"My hobby is watching birds" said seven year old Himali in a class room 'discussion'. When asked whether it's the favourite of her parents as well, the little girl replied in negative, but soon added "My grandma sometimes joins me" and that makes her teacher happy.

"An excellent hobby for your grandma" she said thinking of today's grandparents whose lives are normally not so 'relaxed'. But the small girl was too quick to correct her teacher. " No, no, teacher, it is not her hobby. She has to look after my little brother. That is why my parents brought her down from her home. When my little brother is fast asleep she sometimes comes out and looks at the sky."

Can you ever impose a hobby on a person? Strange Eh? The teacher thought. But the old lady can't help it as she is a grandparent. She has to embark on a new phase of her life as a baby-sitter.

I remember what Dr. Subhangi Herath, Senior Lecturer of Sociology, University of Colombo once said during a lecture on 'Aging.' "In Sri Lanka the trend is to keep the old parents with children till the old ones are capable enough to work. When they are too feeble they are being neglected.' But this is not a generalisation" she assured.

"Capable" normally means 'till they have enough strength to look after their grandchildren' muttered one of my friends sarcastically, while the lecture is on, thinking of her old neighbour who has now become a full time baby-sitter of her granddaughter.

Looking after a baby is a wonderful experience. No doubt grandparents do love it. Since early days grandparents have been playing a major role as the educators of their grandchildren. But today the sad stories of many a grand parent reveal that the experience is not so pleasant when they have to play the role of baby sitter permanently - when the baby's parents try to rid themselves of the responsibility and try to impose it entirely on their old parents.

Mr. Seneviratna never told me that he was such a victim. But I knew it. As a devout Buddhist he aspired to go on a pilgrimage to India after his retirement, but he had to hold it up as his grandson was too small. His working daughter, though she was fully capable of taking one month leave to let her father fulfil his desire in his old age, was not at all bothered. She implied to the father the danger of leaving the child behind in the custody of servants. But when a sudden illness struck him, the poor father did not even have his daughter at his bed side and during his funeral not a single tear did stroll down her cheek!

A film of sadness glided across Mrs. Siriwardana's eyes when talking of her present life. "Not that I do not like the small baby. I know it is our responsibility as grandparents to look after them". But the poor lady has no time at all to engage in things that she likes. Even on a poya day she is not free to observe sil as her daughter and son-in-law are fully occupied. "On week days they have to go to office. If there's a holiday they would arrange outings." So she has to live up to the their needs. Many grandparents have to sacrifice their needs for the needs of their grandchildren.

"Till they give their children in marriage they have to sacrifice their lives for them. They are being ungrateful if they expect their parents to look after their children as well." said an angry grandmother who is about to fly to London to look after her daughter's child!

Some grandparents have no option other than being a 'full time' baby sitter as they are fully aware of the repercussions of a negative answer. They believe that their children would be 'doubly' grateful to them and would look after them well till they die. But what do you think of 85 year old Mrs. Fernando whose children left the island soon after their 'babies' were big enough to 'survive' without their grandma turned baby-sitter, leaving the old lady in a home for the aged?

Similar is the case of seventy year old Nancy who looked after her grandchildren very well, she did not expect anything in return. Anyway her 'inner mind' knew that her children won't be ungrateful. But she was wrong. Soon after her grandchildren grew up she was sent back to her ancestral place and her children visits her only once a year.

"We look after our grandchildren for the fun of it. Our children have never forced us. In fact we feel lonely without those bundles of joy" Mr. Gunewardana has a different story. In fact in the extended family system it is with grandparents that the grandchildren are closely associated. But in today's nuclear family system such close bonds are rarely seen. He believes that grandparents should be there to make the lives of small ones happy-to narrate stories to them, to go on a stroll with them...he goes on. "It is a major part of informal education".

But he very well understood my point. That is why he added "But we shouldn't take the entire responsibility. Of course during an emergency we should rise to the occasion, there's no doubt about it."

"They should know their responsibilities. We can only help them." He emphasized.

I do totally agree with him. Then only we can see the beauty of an extended family system. Grandparents' necessities should be given the priority, meanwhile if they are willing they could play the role of an occasional baby- sitter- not 'full time'! If Mr. Senevirathna's daughter could think in the same line, she would have definitely 'released' her father to go on his most desired pilgrimage to India before his death!

Names have been hanged.

[email protected]