Why no romance in marriage

Volumes have been written on romance. There are romantic novels, short stories and poems. Most of them glorify romance before or outside marriage. Only a very few poets, novelists and short story writers have attempted to write on romance in marriage. This raises the inevitable question whether romance ends with marriage or grows outside it.

We find being in love exhilarating and wish the experience could last a lifetime. Does romantic love fade after marriage? Regrettably, the answer to this question appears to be in the affirmative. A man and a woman fall in love, get married, produce children and settle down to a different kind of relationship. We cannot call it a romantic relationship because romance dissolves over the years into something called ‘compassionate love’. Although devoid of passionate love, it is a deeply satisfying phase in life.

To understand a romantic relationship better, we have to know something about different relationships. Although there are many theories of love, Robert Sternberg’s ‘Triangular theory of Love’ posits that all love relationships have three components. They are intimacy, passion and commitment.

Passion

Young adults very often experience passion. It is an intense feeling experienced in love relationships. It also includes sexual desire. Passion is guided by sexual drive based on physical attraction. Young people who experience passion may not seek sexual gratification, but they will enjoy a close relationship. For them, being in love means self-esteem, dominance, submission and self actualisation. Sometimes, self-esteem is threatened when one partner experiences jealousy.

Robert Sternberg’s ‘Triangular Theory of Love’ posits that all love relationships have three components

The second ingredient in a romantic relationship is intimacy. It means warmth, closeness and sharing in a relationship. Signs of intimacy include giving and receiving emotional support. Very often, a partner wants to look after the welfare of his or her loved one. They also like to share their possessions such as books, food and even clothes. When we are on intimate terms with somebody, we also want to know more about them.

The third component of love is commitment. It is the underlying reason for anyone to maintain a relationship despite opposition and unexpected impediments. Commitment can be short-term or long-term. In the former case, lovers decide to love each other come what may. In the latter case, commitment demands that both parties should try to maintain the relationship, possibly ending with marriage.

Intimacy

When we love somebody, it is pure intimacy. For romantic love to bloom, intimacy should be backed by passion. Before marriage, we experience romantic love to a high degree. However, sometime after marriage, romantic love gives way to ‘companionate love’. In other words, it is intimacy plus commitment. ‘Consummate love’, a rare commodity in the modern world, can be found only when a couple experiences intimacy, passion and commitment.

There are, of course, relationships that fall short of romantic love. For instance, a boy and a girl may be attracted to each other at a casual meeting. They may falsely think that they are in a strong romantic relationship. However, it is nothing but infatuation which embraces only passion. After some time, it fizzles out, causing no major harm to either party.

Sometimes, we experience passion coupled with commitment. Psychologists call it ‘fatuous love’. Such an affair will be devoid of intimacy. These are short-lived romances most of us have experienced in life. It is strange, but true that sometimes we are committed to somebody without passion and intimacy. Psychologist Sternberg calls it ‘empty love’.

According to a number of studies, about 55 percent of married couples are quite comfortable with each other. Usually, the wife is confident that her husband would not abandon her. Such couples have the longest-lasting relationships. Some of them may even celebrate their golden jubilee. The divorce rate among such couples is very low.

‘Avoidant adults’

About 25 percent of married couples are uncomfortable with their partners. They do not trust each other. The divorce rate is high among such ‘avoidant adults’.

The same study found that about 20 percent of married couples are preoccupied with their relationships. As a result, they tend to suffer from jealousy. Such preoccupied adults are unhappy in their marriages.

What we expect in marriage is happiness. No doubt, being in love gives us a load of happiness. But no one can be in a romantic relationship for ever. We fall in love, enjoy romance for some time and get married. Many years after marriage, there may not be any trace of romance in our marriage.

This does not necessarily mean that married couples lead unhappy lives. Most psychologists agree that among both men and women, married couples are happier than those who are single or divorced. That is food for thought for those who keep on postponing their marriage!