Get the best out of children through discipline

By Lionel Wijesiri

There are few questions that reside in the minds of every modern parent. How do we appropriately influence our children? How do we transform them and our homes into places of consistent peace? How do we allow them to endure some hardship so they can grow up and “own” their lives?

Research has shown that how things work out for children depends more on their relationship with their parents than anything else. If you are a parent with growing children and want them to grow up with acceptable moral and social standards, you must have a deep emotional bond with them. This is where the modern concept of positive discipline comes into play.

Positive discipline is an innovative and empowering approach to child discipline which was developed by Dr. Joan Durrant for Save the Children Sweden in 2007. It is based on children’s rights to healthy development, protection from violence and participation in their learning. It is relevant to parents of all children from infancy to adolescence.

Conventional wisdom

A lot of the conventional wisdom about how to discipline children - such as punishment and consequences - fall short when it comes to actually changing child behaviour. Parents use words like “no,” “don’t,” and “stop” to get their children to act more “appropriately.” They repeat, they nag, they punish, they give time-outs, but in the end, they just end up feeling frustrated and defeated. Most of them are left wondering whether such discipline really works.

Fortunately, well-conducted studies show that positive discipline leads to positive changes in children’s behaviour on measures ranging from parent and teacher reports, to direct observation of child behaviour at home and at school. If you are a parent with growing children, and wish to enhance their learning abilities to eventually boost their academic and social performance, the positive disciplining concept will help to help them.

The key is to focus on the behaviour you want children to develop rather than the ones you don’t. When you tell your child what to do, you are being clear about exactly what you expect and your child will be more likely to change her behaviour accordingly.

On the other hand, when you tell your child what not to do, as you have probably noticed, you often end up with even more unwanted behaviour. You say “stop yelling at your sister,” only to turn around and see the child hitting or pulling hair instead. A child who is told to “play nicely with your sister and use an inside voice,” is more likely to do so.

A few tips

Learn how to talk to your children. Make sure that you convey caring, not rejection. To the child this difference is fateful, affecting his self-esteem, self-worth and self-image.

Most of the parent’s normal talk drives children crazy - the blaming and shaming, preaching and moralising, ridiculing and belittling, evaluation and labelling. You have to eliminate such critical comments, such as “When will you ever learn? What’s the matter with you? How many times have I told you?”

Deal with the situation, not the person. Do not attack a child, as happened when Dilruwan, 10 years old, broke a glass tumbler. Mother said, “Heaven’s sake, what have you done?” Father added, “He cannot help it. He is born clumsy.”

Such criticism attacks the core of the child’s personality. A child may believe his parents and assume the role assigned to him: “Clumsy.”

What is the solution? “The glass broke, son. It was just an accident. I will bring the broom. Together we will clear it up.”

Learn how to express anger to your children. Describe what you see, what you feel, what you expect. Say nothing to the child about himself. Do not humiliate your child, attack his character or offend his dignity. Protect him against this by using “I” messages: I am annoyed. I feel sad. These are safer than, “You are an idiot. Look what you have done?”

In positive discipline, a gram of prevention outweighs a kilo of punishment.

When Kushi, 10 years, was eating noisily with his mouth open, his father yelled, “You eat like a pig. Do you know what a pig is? “The ensuing verbal battle, finally ending up with father physically punishing the child could have been prevented if his father had said, without insulting him, “Kushi, that munching sound is not pleasant. I know it was not intentional. Shall we try to put it right?”

Learn how to deal with dishonesty. Parents get enraged when a child commits a dishonest act. Out of fear they over-react. There is a better way of dealing with a child’s transgressions. When Gayathri aged nine was caught in a lie, she said that she had lied to save herself embarrassment. Her mother replied, “In our family we trust each other and we help each other. When truth is bent it creates distrust.”

“I won’t do it again, I am sorry,” Gayathri apologised.

“I accept your word,” said her mother. The mother asked questions and demanded no promises. She stated family values.

Learn how to handle school-work. When parents take over the children’s homework, they enter a trap. Homework is the responsibility of the child and his teacher. At the end, homework may become a child’s weapon to punish, exploit and worry his parents.

A parent who reminds and nags about homework cancels its self-explanatory benefit. The best help parent can give is indirect: a suitable desk, good lighting, reference books, and no interruptions. Parents may clarify a point or listen to something memorised. If a child is really stuck and asks for help, let a parent give it. But too much help implies: on your own, you are helpless.

Learn how to react when a child chooses friends you don’t like. Do not hurry to discourage the choices. Study them. Such friends provide an opportunity to examine and get rid of some of your own prejudices. If after a period of self-examination, you find that a friend of your child still disturbs you, let your child know.

One father told his son, “I hear that G. belongs to gang that has problems with school. This is against values of our family. I do not like you associate with him.” The child persisted. The father recommended they find a mutually agreed solution. Often children come up with good ones themselves. In this case, he promised father that he will see him at interval but not after school. Father agreed.

Learn how to communicate love to children. Minor mishaps create golden opportunities for love. Menasha 10-year old girl, lost her lost her watch, a birthday gift from her mother. She almost was in tears, fearing her parents’ reaction. Her mother said, “Watches can be replaced, darling. In our home, people and their feelings are more important.” Her words conveyed to Menasha social values as well as love. To communicate love, parents need a language of acceptance: words that value feelings, responses that change moods, relies that radiate respect.

Learn how to invite cooperation and teach responsibility. Children resist parents less when the requests of parents convey respect and safeguard their autonomy. They respond better to brief statements that are not phrased as orders.

Tharindu,13, is getting ready to attend a social function. “Amma, I will wear casual,” he said. His mother responds, “I suggest you wear a tie. You can remove it there if it is not necessary.” Compromising works!

Positive discipline makes a child feel safe and happy because it teaches what to expect and what is expected. Positive discipline builds a relationship based on respect and love.