What are you afraid of?

by Lionel Wijesiri

"We are largely the playthings of our fears," wrote British novelist Horace Walpole many years ago. "To one, fear of the dark; to another, of physical pain; to a third, of public ridicule; to a fourth, of poverty; to a fifth, of loneliness-for all of us our particular creature waits in ambush." However, fear is often a most useful emotion. When you become frightened, many physical changes occur within your body. Your heartbeat and responses quicken; your pupils dilate and admit more light. Large quantities of energy-producing adrenalin are poured into your bloodstream; confronted with an impending disaster, fear can fuel life-saving flight. Similarly, when the danger is psychological rather than physical, fear can force you to take self-protective measures.

It is only when fear is disproportionate to the danger at hand that it becomes a real problem. Today, psychologists know that our early experiences and relationships strongly shape and determine our later fears. For example, a young man I have known grew up with a father who regarded each adversity as a temporary obstacle to be overcome with imagination and courage. Using his father as a model, Bill came to welcome adventure and to trust in his own ability to solve problems. One of my cousins, however, spent most of his time trying to protect himself and his family. Afraid to risk the insecurity of a job change, he remained unhappily in one position. He avoided long vacations because "the car might break down." Growing up in such a home, he naturally learned to become fearful andtense. Fortunately, even people who are frequently beset by unwarranted fears and anxieties can take steps to reduce most of them to tolerable size. Here are some suggestions:

Respect your body

Every person suffering from excessive fear should have a thorough physical examination. You cannot feel free from fear if you are malnourished, ill or tired. If, however, examination reveals no physical cause for your fear, stop blaming your body and investigate your conflicts or your faulty learnings.

2. Share your feelings

Fears thrive on secrecy and a sense of being 'very special.' Years ago, Prof. Irving Janis, a psychologist at Yale University, studied a group of surgical patients. Some worried out loud before surgery; others expressed little apprehension, indeed seemed to exhibit confidence. Curiously, the first group experienced fewer post-operative complications and had an easier convalescence than those stoic patients who felt they had to bear their fears by themselves. The best people for you to talk to about a fear are those directly involved in your worries. If you can reveal your feelings to them, you have taken an important step. If you cannot, try turning to a trusted person. You'll usually find that such people are not surprised by your fear; it is not as unique as you think it is.

3. Accept brief periods of fear

Fearful concern is the natural companion to most major changes in our lives. Recently, a Staff member came to me who had moved residences three times in the past four years. I soon realised that she was reacting to the natural anxieties that result from so much intensive change. When she began to accept her fears as natural, she gained control.

4. Learn to live in the present

1f you'll honestly examine your worst fears, you almost invariably find them to be of the 'what would happen if' variety. Many are born of imaginings that simply aren't true. They constitute what I call the "suppose syndrome" meaning, suppose I fail a test, fall ill, lose my friends, and make a poor impression...

5. Listen to what you tell yourself

People often make their fears worse by seeing situations as catastrophes. What you tell yourself about a situation is usually the way you will begin to respond to that situation. If, for example, your car breaks down, the healthy reaction is, "Well, it's an inconvenience, but scarcely a tragedy."

If, however, you choose to tell yourself such things as, "It always happens to me - I'm a born loser," you're likely to lead yourself into self-pity and chronic anxiety.

6. Stop being a perfectionist

If you truly want to do a good job, you will usually succeed. If you want to do a perfect job, however, and habitually demand too much from yourself, you may well be defeated before you start. A lady I have known had once whipped herself into a frenzy of worry over giving a dinner party for some of her husband's business associates. As I listened to her, I sensed that her true fear did not arise from her plans to give a simple dinner party, which she was quite capable. What went wrong was she wanted to outdo all of the dinner parties that she had attended that year. By wanting everything to be perfect, she placed a strain onherself that was quite unnecessary.

7. Learn to relax

A person cannot be relaxed and frightened at the same time. But most fearful people doubt that they can ever relax. Relaxation is a skill, which can be learned. For example, when fearful or tense, sit down in a comfortable chair, breathe in slowly, and then gradually exhale. By gaining control of your breathing you can often lessen the symptoms of fear. There are many excellent books or YouTube clips which can, if you'll make the effort, teach you how to relax.

8. Look for a meaning for your life

Without a sense of meaning, people become cynical, then scared. One woman of my acquaintance was almost constantly ridden by anxieties until she discovered that her town needed a library. Soon she was so busy achieving the goal of getting a library built that she had little time to distress herself withher own discomforts. Perhaps that is the best wisdom of all.

(The writer is a retired Corporate Director having four decades' experience in human resource management)