Living by principles, a wonderful choice

By Lionel Wijesiri

Recently, I received an email message which contained an interesting paragraph. “Laid side-by-side, a stick and a rope of the same length share a similar appearance. Likewise, rules and principles look alike even though they have virtually nothing in common. Rules are like sticks. You can prod people with them.

“You can threaten people with them. You can beat people with them. But you cannot lead people with them. When a rule doesn’t fit the circumstance, your only choice is to break it. Principles are like ropes, able to conform to the shape of any problem. They are less brittle than rules, and stronger. Principles whisper valuable advice and people are happily led by them.”

The paragraph had good common sense. Many of us grew up with rules – both in our parents’ or grandparents’ homes and in the schools that we attended. After leaving our homes, we then followed the rules that our careers expected us to follow; and we added more rules when we chose our partners and had our own children.

At some point, we start considering a better way - a better way to parent, a better way to help our children learn, a better way to live. When we decide for that better way, some of us forget that the rules we’d grown up with and had learned to live with are still there, lurking in the background like an old burden, yet to be faced. When confronted with an unfamiliar situation or one we hadn’t seen for some time, we automatically opt for what is familiar - the rules that we’d grown up with.

First method

When we learned how to ride a bicycle, we thought the first method through which we learned to cycle was the only way that a bike could be ridden. There was just no other way. As with cycling, we should realise that there is more than one way to live our lives.

Living life based on principles is better than living by rules. It’s more honest, respectful, truthful, and makes much more sense. Principles will allow us to figure out that music is a journey and not a destination that ends when we reach a certain age. Principles will allow us to realise that riding a bicycle is a means and not an end. Principles will allow us to think further about better ways to parent than using someone else’s rules. Principles, in short, do not limit us the way rules once did.

Living by principles rather than rules is a wonderful choice, but one that is somewhat tricky. I think it’s really easy to transform “rules” into something we call “principles” and then stop there. Rules do, often, have their basis in a broader principle, and tracing our rules back to our own principles is the first step in the journey. However, if we then enforce those principles in the same authoritarian way we tried to enforce rules, then we haven’t really gone very far in our journey.

True, we’ve done some difficult mental gymnastics, trying to get to the principled source of our rules, and true, we’ve made that principle visible to our children, which can enable them more easily to see the truth of it in the world. However, what we’re stopping short of is realising that principles are internal rather than external and that we can’t make children adopt principles in some authoritarian kind of way or we jump right back to the starting point.

Parenting

There are days that parenting a teenager seems like an endless series of confrontations over enforcing the rules. Our focus is often on maintaining some control. When we feel as if we are losing control, we may add another rule, and then another. We end up with a list of rules, and unhappy, uncooperative children. Knowing what your principles are can make it easier to parent and decide on more effective rules. So what are rules and principles, and how are they different?

Rules are all about how we want things done, or not done, in the course of our day. They help establish order, and make things predictable. For example, you may have a rule that says: “Don’t leave dishes on the table or homework must be finished before you put updates on Facebook”.

Principles are your values. They guide how you live your life. What is on your list of values to live by: respect, cleanliness, positive attitude, honesty, compassion, persistence? The biggest difference between rules and principles is this: Rules change, principles don’t.

If we are having a bad day, or if our children are having a bad day, we may change a rule or two. However, our principles, our values, do not change: They are the underpinning of our life.

So, the first step is to determine what your values are. What are the guiding principles of your life? This is a great opportunity to have a discussion with your children about what is important to you and to them.

You can make separate lists and then see where your principles match, or brainstorm the list together. You may be pleasantly surprised to find out how much you have in common, and to see that they really do understand some of the things you’ve tried to teach them. As teens, they are often in a state of confusion; however, underneath all that angst, they have taken in more than you realise... you just may not see it for a while!

Foundation

The next step (not necessarily in the same sitting) is to make a list of the rules you believe are necessary to keep your family and home running smoothly. Ask yourself, Why have I chosen these particular rules? Here is the part that will take some thought - What are the principles or values behind those rules? If it’s about not leaving dishes around the house, that may be because you value cleanliness and don’t want bugs feasting in your living room. If it is about doing homework first, it might be that education is a priority, or that we act responsibly by completing required work first.

Once you are clear about your rules-principles equation, your foundation is determined. But No! Your children will not necessarily buy into it. They are children, after all. There are other things they’d rather do, and they want instant gratification; however, it will make parenting, decision-making, and sticking to your decisions easier on you.

When you are clear about your principles, you can opt out of the discussions that teens are so good at drawing you into, discussions that go nowhere and leave you frustrated. Or maybe you find yourself giving in, because children are so good at outlasting you when they really want something. Keep coming back to your principles and end the discussion. When you are clear about your principles, decision-making is clear, too. You don’t have to wonder if your decision or rule is right for the occasion. If it is aligned with your principles, you’re set!